Long time no post...whats new

Wow, so I suck at resolutions. Oh well.

So my gram's house is sold, they close on the 30th. This really seems to bother me, I would almost feel better if it had just burned down. I know that sounds awful, but then no one would get to have it. I already know they are going to remodel it. That should be really fun when I have to drive by it all the time. Good times.

I am currently doing Weight Watchers and so far have lost 8.2lbs. It seems to come off so slow. This week I am ravenous, thanks Aunt Flo!! ARGH!

My kids are doing good I guess. Meghan has been throwing fits/tantrums left and right over nothing. I can already tell that 3 is going to be fun. They have been loving the weather lately, our new thing is to go across the road and play in the brook. Usually Gram is with us, and I am really grateful that she helps me out so much. I have learned that every day is a gift. My kids are so lucky to have her around, as am I. I am pretty lucky to have twins, they are in deed a handful but they have a close bond and watching them is so cute. I think things have been a little easier with twins like bedtime. They each have each other, and bedtime usually isn't a battle. The cutest thing ever was when Meghan told Caleb she "wubed (loved) him" so cute.

I have finished 2 books, one was Paula Deen's autobiography. It was really good, and a good read I thought. I want to go to Savannah, GA to go to her restaurant sometime. Yum, it all sounds so good. I don't know how people in the south aren't huge if people cook like that down there! The 2nd book I read was 90 Minutes in Heaven. It was a good short book, and made me think a lot. I cried reading his chapter on Heaven, because it was like I knew that my gram was okay.

I had a birthday on April 7th and it was great (besides friends that forgot, some friends huh?). I got a new purse which I love, and a new lense for my camera, coffee :) some money, and a necklace. I also got a new table with chairs and I LOVE IT! It was a bargain too!

I went dancing last weekend with my cousin, aunts, and new friend Gloria. I had a blast and danced my ass off. Maybe that is why I lost so much weight this week! It was a nice break, and I always have fun with my family.

The reason I haven't blogged lately is because it is such a bitch to sign on the desktop. The laptop is fine but the desktop irritates me.

"To Where You Are"

By Josh Groban

Who can say for certain

Maybe you're still here

I feel you all around me

Your memory's so clear

Deep in the stillness

I can hear you speak

You're still an inspiration

Can it be (?)

That you are mine

Forever love

And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are

Beyond the distant star

I wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for awhile to know you're there

A breath away's not far

To where you are

Are you gently sleeping

Here inside my dream

And isn't faith believing

All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you

Just one beat away

I cherish all you gave me everyday

'Cause you are my

Forever love

Watching me from up above

And I believe

That angels breathe

And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up

To where you are

Beyond the distant star

I wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for awhile

To know you're there

A breath away's not far

To where you are

I know you're there

A breath away's not far

To where you are

So finally Bart is not working so much. It has been so nice to have him home at night. The kids especially love it. So last night we called Dell and finally on our own fixed the cd burner, it only took like 2 hours. I thought today was Thursday. I was a little disappointed when I figured out it was only freakin Wednesday. Tomorrow I might go have dinner & drinks with some friends from High School. I can't freakin wait, I hope it all works out so that I can go. I need a night out.

I rarely go to the grocery store with the kids. I usually go on the weekends. Well this past weekend I couldn't and it screws up my whole week. So gram said why don't we go..so we went yesterday. This is how it started off. We tell the kids we are going to the grocery store, and they are excited because we are actually leaving the house. So they are getting ready, I go out to warm up the car. It doesn't start. I was cursing, seriously WTF. It would turn over but nothing, and I had a full tank of gas. So the benefit of living in a small, minuscule community is that I call the guy who owns the garage and he drives down, has some dry gas, puts that in tries, nothing. Then he freakin floors the gas, all of a sudden POP and it starts. I was like how much do I owe ya? 5.00. Can't beat a small town sometime. So we get the kids loaded, and head on our way. Caleb was so good at the store, and Meghan was having a freakin fit towards the end. Stresses me out, and then I forget stuff, and buy bad things. LOL She was stressing me out, so I decided to get my favorite homemade Cusson's donuts. DAMN they are good. Anyways, we leave there and the kids see McDonald's and immediately start in. As Caleb calls it "Chicken-french fries" so I ask gram, and we go. They are actually pretty good there, and eat. Towards the end they were being goofy and marching and going in circles, but they were okay. Then I got the car washed, not sure why since I have to drive on a freakin dirt road home. Caleb was scared and informed me that "No like it mommy, no like it!" Then we drive home, and the dirt road is mostly mud, it is like driving on ice at some points and my car is all dirty again. What a stressful long day!! I don't think we will be doing that anytime soon. I enjoy my Sunday grocery shopping alone.

Now for some random facts:

• I love Ellen DeGeneres
• I currently like the song "Colorblind" By Counting Crows
• I am breaking out, and I never do! Damn heavy period
• I am dreading grammie leaving for Arizona for a week

Happy Birthday Gram

Happy Birthday Gram. Hope you are celebrating in Heaven with our family. I love & miss you beyond words.

I'm sick of grieving. Does that sound bad? I am though. I think I am doing better and then I have bad days. It sucks. I miss my gram so much. I still can't believe that she is gone. It doesn't help driving past her house either. Still for sale, no one has bought it. I am sort of glad because I am not ready to see it filled with strange people. My other gram that lives next door helps me every day which I have said before. Well all I can think about lately is what if something happens to her? My kids won't understand, I will be living up here without her. I try and not think about it, and enjoy my time left with her. I guess I am just not ready to deal with another death right now. I wish I would dream about my gram or something. I really do miss her. You know what I should have done? This sounds really weird and odd, I'm sure but I should have taped my gram with a mini tape recorder. Her voice. Then I could listen to her whenever I wanted. Her birthday is the 21st of this month. She would have been 77.

I slept for crap last night. I always do when Bart is gone. It sucks. I guess I should be in bed since Bart has to work on a Saturday!! Ugh. Lately Caleb has been crying for him :( I have also had this nagging cough and runny nose for like a month. It's really starting to irritate me.

Tonight I watched Trading Spouses. I could not believe this one mother on there. She was so ignorant. She hated gays, Hispanics, etc etc. It was so annoying, I hate people like that. I hope she learned something from her experience and maybe can be more open minded.

Ok, so I suck at resolutions huh? Well tonight for some reason I could not get into blogger. I am so irritated with this computer. Ok, lets see. We got ourselves for Christmas this brand new HP computer, well we get it, take it of the box, set it up, it doesn't work. RIGHT OUT OF THE DAMN BOX, and it DOESN'T WORK!!!!!!!!! So Bart called HP and talked with tech support for 2.5 hours to accomplish nothing. Then we were going to send it back, well everyone we talked to had no idea it seemed like. We kept getting switched etc, etc. Finally we talk to someone and told them we were sending it back and wanted a refund. We had such a horrible experience with HP customer service we decided to just get a Dell. So we order a Dell, and get it, take it out of the box and it works! YAY! But the speakers don't. Ok, no big deal. Well 3 weeks later, the computer randomly shuts down, and then I get a blue screen. Over and over. I call Dell tech support and talk with the very nice guy for 2 hours. We concluded that they needed to come out here and fix it. The guy comes fixes it, and it is working good, except...now my cd drive does not work. It did before. Sigh. WTH!!! Seriously, I could snap on this thing. I don't mind calling tech support, but I don't have 2-3 hours to devote to talking to them with my kids here. So I need to wait until someone can watch them or something I guess.

Not much else is going on in my boring life. Sigh. Bart is working long hours, and I hardly get to see him. It sucks, cause I could use a break and the kids miss him lots. I hate tax season, for this reason. My mom has offered to watch the kids overnight so Bart and I could get away but everywhere I look they mostly require 2 night minimum. That is so irritating. If we are going to stay somewhere I want it to be nice and not like a regular room at the Holiday Inn.

Enchiladas de Pollo y Queso

Here is the recipe I made:

Enchiladas de Pollo y Queso (Kathy-imajacobs)
5 T butter
1 cup chopped onion
2 cups cooked chicken, chopped or shredded
4 oz chopped green chilies
1/4 cup flour
1 T chili powder
1/2 tsp ground coriander
1/2 tsp. ground cumin
2 1/2 cups chicken broth
1 cup sour cream
1 1/2 cups shredded Monterey Jack
12 tortillas-I prefer flour
Melt 2 T. butter and cook onions until softened. Remove to a bowl. Add chicken and green chilies. Melt remaining butter. Blend in flour and seasonings. Whisk in chicken broth. Cook, stirring until sauce boils. Remove from heat. Stir in sour cream and 1/2 cup cheese. Stir 1/2 cup sauce into chicken mixture. Spoon chicken mixture into tortillas and roll up. Place in 9x13 pan. Top with remaining sauce and cheese. Bake uncovered at 350 for about 25 minutes

I added more chicken and cheese, and it only made enough for 7 big size tortillas. I left out coriander (cause I don't like it) and cumin cause I didn't have any. I added hot sauce also. These were DELICIOUS!

Ok, Ok, I gotta keep up and get in habit with this. That is one of my resolutions and all. Not much to say really, I do the same shit everyday. I pretty much stay in my jammies all day, clean up messes, stop fights, etc etc. Tomorrow is MOPS (Mother of Preschoolers) I dread it. Not because its boring but because I have to peel Meghan off me to go. I love MOPS, and really look forward to the break but I hate drop off. Hate it. But I am going, and Meghan will just have to deal I guess. Maybe it will be better this time? Ahhh probably not. Oh well. How am I ever going to do preschool?
My kids have switched on me once again. Caleb is now the hard one. Meghan is easier. It could change back. Caleb is really testing the limits. He is throwing, screaming (I HATE THAT!), not sharing at all, throws tantrums etc. I hope he is good at MOPS or they probably will be like GREAT she's here with her twins again (insert eye roll).
I made some YUMMY enchalidas tonight. The only thing I didn't like was how long it took. I boiled my chicken and then shredded it. That took forever it seems! It could be because I had to stop fights, in between it all. It was delish though!! I felt somewhat like a wife. LOL
Okay, its late gotta pack the diaper bags, and all that jazz.
Peace out!

I have 3 children...

I have 3 children, my third being Bart. He woke up late today, and then asked me to get up to help him. Start the coffee, etc. He sounds like a herd of elephants running around when he is late. Sigh. At least I got to take a shower before Caleb and Meghan were up. Meghan woke up with a fever. Sigh. It never ends! I am not sure if she has a sinus infection or an ear infection. We all have colds. You can just tell she feels crappy. I was going to call the dr, but decided to wait because right now she is sleeping fine.
I feel like I accomplished something today! I swept and then mopped the kitchen floor, cleaned off the kitchen table, wiped all the chairs down. Now I am taking a break.
I am trying to get the church website up and running. I hope I can, because it would be a good addition to our church. I am just waiting to hear from my pastor.
Now to decide whats for dinner?

Bart and I started dating 10 years ago today. Wow I can't believe it! It has been so long. LOL. He was 15 and I was 17, and the rest is history. We have only been married though for 3.5 years.

I am glad actually that the holidays are over, and things are getting back on schedule. I love Christmas time but this year the kids got sick, and my niece and nephews did too. Also we crammed every ones gatherings in 4 days. It was a bit much, and you don't really get to enjoy the holiday. Now we are all dealing with colds. I can deal with that any day though!!

Today we went to my dads and went sliding and made a snowman. The kids loved it, and really enjoy being outside despite the cold. I actually don't enjoy going outside, but this year I got snow pants and boots, and it hasn't been too bad actually. I think seeing the kids enjoy it so much makes it worth the hassle.

I wanted to stay home today and get some stuff done. My house is a wreck. The kids have WAY too many toys, and we have no space. Not sure where I can give toys away. They don't have any place like goodwill in VT that I know of.

My other gram (Marion) who helps me everyday doing laundry and the kids and the list goes on and on...anyways she doesn't like to drive and feels that she shouldn't. I have told her numerous times that I would love to drive her where ever she wants to go. She is so stubborn! I love to help her and it also feels like I am repaying her for EVERYTHING she does for me. I guess I will have to keep telling her. I think that is what I miss about my other gram. I used to do errands for her and help her. I felt like I had worth. When she died, I felt sort of useless.

Well it is late, but so far so good on keeping my resolution of blogging more!

A New Year!

This time last year, I was laying with my dying grandmother. I didn't even think about the new year at all then. I remember announcing to gram that it was the new year, and then 3 hours later at 3:05 she took her last breath. I can only hope that this new year starts off better. It does seem to be getting a little easier, or you just learn to deal I guess. Now I drive past her house all dark, empty and cold, with a big for sale sign on the front yard. No more warm family gatherings, or the smell of wood smoke. Until some other family moves in and fills it with love again. I go through spurts, where I am really down and sad. Amazingly enough I am doing okay tonight. I did cry earlier thinking about her and this time last year. But you know she was in so much pain, I really am comforted to know that she is in Heaven and not in pain. I know its on most of my family's minds, and I think most of my family is keeping busy trying to think about what day it is.

Gram was like the foundation of our family. When she died, it seemed like we all crumbled a little and family was growing apart. She was like the glue, and is missed SO much. I think tonight I will toast to gram!

I usually make resolutions, but hardly ever keep them. Here are a few I have thought of.

1) Lose weight (original I know)

2) Clean my house and get rid of junk

3) Go to Church more & pray

4) Play with my kids more

5) Blog more

I could go on and on, but I want to try and keep these :)

Happy New Year!

Long time no post. Not much is going on with me, just the same old shit. I have been dealing with sick kids this week, ugh. I have never ever heard so much whining. Bart and I seriously were going to go crazy. Meghan is on antibiotics for a sinus infection and seems to be doing better. Caleb just had a virus so the Dr. said. But he is coughing still and whiney which is really unusual for him. Needless to say our Thanksgiving was not that great.
Today I had to go to church to do nursery. We haven't been to church in 4-5 weeks because it was beginning to become stressful. Church shouldn't be stressful. We hope that we can continue going when the kids are older. I miss it. After church we put up our Christmas decorations outside. I also put up a cross that my grandfather made that has blue lights on the side of our house. It looks good.
I have been down in the dumps lately, and I know it has to do with this time of year, my kids being such a handful, and gram's passing. I really am trying to pull myself out of this slump so that I don't have to go on meds. I think I am doing better now, I finally told Bart everything that was on my mind, crying and all. It felt good to finally let it all out. It's hard because I don't really have a lot of adult time or friends that actually keep in touch. Anyways here's to looking up!
I have a lot of my Christmas shopping done which is actually a miracle in itself. I still have some to do. Can I just say that I LOVE online shopping!
Supposedly we are supposed to be building a room downstairs. My FIL says he will help etc. We'll see. At least we would have a little more space in this little house.

Happy Halloween!

Create Your Own!

Same old, same old

Well, well I haven't written in a long time. Mostly when I feel like writing it is about my gram and how much I miss her and all that stuff. Sigh, it seems to get old I am sure to everyone else. It seems so prominent in my thoughts now because this was around the time of year that my grandmother found out, that she had terminal cancer (actually it was November 13, 2005).

My sister had a great dream about my gram and grandfather. She dreamt that she saw my gram and she hugged us and said "I just want you to know that I love you so very much" Then my sister Nikki talked to my grandfather and asked him what heaven was like. He told her that it was better than life itself. He also said that you know when you get a new car, and it has fresh new paint, it's like that. I have to admit, I was jealous that Nikki got the dream and not me. I have dreamt about my gram, but nothing like that.

Usually on the weekends we make the trip to see the in-laws. We don't mind, and the kids like to get out of the house. But they have Bart's great-grandmother lives with them. She is 98 years old. She is so crotchety! Don't get me wrong I love most elderly people. I used to work in a nursing home. But she is like nothing I have ever seen. She can hardly move lately, but somehow manages to threaten my kids. She antagonizes them, and yells. Last year she spanked Caleb. Today when we were there she picked up this metal tray that the kids just wanted to drum on and said she was going to hit them with it. I don't actually think she would but I said "no you won't grandma!"
Ugh it DRIVES me nuts because Bart, and my MIL do nothing, say nothing. UGHHHHHHHH!!!! And this is really, really awful but I think why does she get to live to be 98, and my gram had to die at 75? I know, I am awful. :(

Getting Better

Well I can say that I am feeling better than when I wrote my last post. When I wrote that entry I was really at a low, and felt like I was at the end of my rope. I think a lot had to do with the fact that Bart was gone for the whole week. It was very overwhelming. I also watched Extreme Makeover Home Edition tonight, and of course besides making me cry it made me realize that I am blessed.

Yesterday I started weight watchers again. sigh. I really hope I can lose more weight. I eventually would like to have one more child, and I want to lose weight before I try to have another baby. Plus I found out that I have an underactive thyroid, and that could have been stalling my weight loss before. Now I am on medication so hopefully that will help.
We went to go apple picking, but the pick your own was closed for the season! What the heck? Already? But since we drove all the way over there we stayed and let the kids play on all the playground stuff. I did get to buy a bag of apples, and some pumpkins. The kids didn't know any different.

Today we didn't do much. It was raining and we just hung out at the house. I went grocery shopping. Yippee! Oh but Bart did put up two shelves I have had for like 5 months. About time!!!

I know I haven't updated in forever. I have wanted to many times, but didn't because no matter how I put it, I would be a downer. So you were warned. I have been down lately. There are a lot of contributing factors.

I miss my gram terribly, I thought I was getting better but I'm not. It hurts right now like it did when I found out that she had cancer. My heart aches everyday. I feel like she is the only one who really knows me. I can't help it. I feel alone without her. I miss her so much, and she is on my mind everyday. I hate that she is not here, I am mad and angry about it. All I can replay in my mind is her being sick, I can't seem to remember when she wasn't. It's like a movie over and over in my mind. It kills me.

I am so not the mother I thought I would be. Ever since I was little I wanted to be a mom. Now I am one, and I feel like a failure. I have no patience with them lately, and I have even yelled at them this week. I mean yelled. I feel like such an asshole of a mother. I feel like I don't do enough with them, and that my gram is looking down and is so disappointed in how I treat my kids. I feel constantly judged about how I raise my children. I feel like no one wants to be around me or my kids because we are just too complicated, etc.

I really hope that I am just stressed because Bart was gone, and that I don't need to go back on Zoloft. I just feel like I can't catch a break. Sigh. Glad I updated?

In Memory Of Daniel F. McGinley

Daniel F. McGinley was a family man, and a man of the Lord. He valued his family and his deep Catholic faith. He was known as the always "working the beads" when his brother last talked to him on September 11, Daniel was saying the Rosary for the people in the other tower. That says a lot about the person he was.

He was proud of his Irish heritage, that every St. Patrick's Day he took the day off work and took his wife Peggy, and their 5 children to a parade on Fifth Avenue. He also loved to sing his favorite, "Danny Boy" his wife even bought him a karoke machine.

Daniel enjoyed playing hockey, and was quite good at it. He played twice a week. He also coached his children's soccer, hockey, and baseball teams. He was also very interested in his Irish Heritage and Catholic religion. He knew his history on both subjects very well.

After reading all about Daniel while researching for this blog what really stood out to me was what an all around great guy he was. He was a great friend, husband, and father. Not everyone is so fortunate to know someone like Daniel. It was hard for me to write this without sounding like an obitutary. I am glad that I got to do this. My thoughts and prayers are with all of Daniel's family on this day, as well as all the other 2,995 that lost their lives.

Prayers Please

Can you please pray for Joseph? He is a 3 year old boy that has had one cord blood transplant and now needs another one. He is currently on a ventilator. I know he and his family would appreciate your prayers. Thanks.

Maine

So this weekend we went to Maine. It was not bad, but the kids sleep horribly in hotels. But they loved being "free" as we let them run around with Elise, Jack, and Seth. They even met a few other friends while staying there. I was very thankful to have help, my grandmother and my great aunt watched Caleb and Meghan, so Bart and I could eat breakfast in peace. LOL My kids aren't really so great at eating out, but I will say they did pretty well in Maine.
There was a Canadian couple that had boy/girl twins that were the same age as Caleb & Meghan. They were born on the 21st of May. But they were 2 months premature. Meghan and the little boy hit it off, they even kissed once. Too cute!
It rained the whole way home, and the DVD player in my car stopped working before we even left for home. I was so fuming mad about that, because it is our lifesaver for long rides, and because I have had to return it like twice before. Good thing we got the warranty.
I am so glad to be home in my own bed though!

Missing Gram

Every year since I can remember we go to the fair with my moms side of the family. Not all of them but some of them. My gram loved to go to the fair. We went on Tuesday August 29, and it was not the same at all. This is the first year without gram there.
One of my favorite stories that my gram told me was how she used to take her 9 kids to the fair every year. They didn't have much money but she would take them, and they would go out and eat in the car with a picnic that gram had prepared. She would buy things that they never had because they were too expensive to buy all the time, like soda and cookies. So even though they didn't have a lot of money to get fair food, she still made it special for them by getting things that they rarely had. She also gave each kid a roll of dimes to use for what they wanted whether it be rides or games.
I love that story because it shows what a great mom my grandmother was. She still made it special for them even though they didn't have much money.