Friday, September 29, 2006

I know I haven't updated in forever. I have wanted to many times, but didn't because no matter how I put it, I would be a downer. So you were warned. I have been down lately. There are a lot of contributing factors.

I miss my gram terribly, I thought I was getting better but I'm not. It hurts right now like it did when I found out that she had cancer. My heart aches everyday. I feel like she is the only one who really knows me. I can't help it. I feel alone without her. I miss her so much, and she is on my mind everyday. I hate that she is not here, I am mad and angry about it. All I can replay in my mind is her being sick, I can't seem to remember when she wasn't. It's like a movie over and over in my mind. It kills me.

I am so not the mother I thought I would be. Ever since I was little I wanted to be a mom. Now I am one, and I feel like a failure. I have no patience with them lately, and I have even yelled at them this week. I mean yelled. I feel like such an asshole of a mother. I feel like I don't do enough with them, and that my gram is looking down and is so disappointed in how I treat my kids. I feel constantly judged about how I raise my children. I feel like no one wants to be around me or my kids because we are just too complicated, etc.

I really hope that I am just stressed because Bart was gone, and that I don't need to go back on Zoloft. I just feel like I can't catch a break. Sigh. Glad I updated?


Linda said...

You're doing the best you can. Just take it one day at a time. I have my days too. Today is one. Some days I just want to leave. I'm so overwhelmed. But, the next day I get up and things seem a little different. I know you miss your Gram. I bet she wouldn't want to see you sad for so long. You should take joy in the good things and try to take what she gave/taught you in something everyday. You can be her legacy.

yoinkit said...

Sorry to hear about all this Ky. I love to be around you and your kids, I think you are doing a great job. They are only 2, I mean there isn't too much that you can do with them just yet. Once they get a little older you can do all sorts of things. :) You spend every day with them, that is something they won't forget.
Every mom yells, my mom certainly did, my Dad too. I love my parents more than anything, they won't remember the yelling, they'll remember the good stuff. :) I love you.