I know I haven't updated in forever. I have wanted to many times, but didn't because no matter how I put it, I would be a downer. So you were warned. I have been down lately. There are a lot of contributing factors.
I miss my gram terribly, I thought I was getting better but I'm not. It hurts right now like it did when I found out that she had cancer. My heart aches everyday. I feel like she is the only one who really knows me. I can't help it. I feel alone without her. I miss her so much, and she is on my mind everyday. I hate that she is not here, I am mad and angry about it. All I can replay in my mind is her being sick, I can't seem to remember when she wasn't. It's like a movie over and over in my mind. It kills me.
I am so not the mother I thought I would be. Ever since I was little I wanted to be a mom. Now I am one, and I feel like a failure. I have no patience with them lately, and I have even yelled at them this week. I mean yelled. I feel like such an asshole of a mother. I feel like I don't do enough with them, and that my gram is looking down and is so disappointed in how I treat my kids. I feel constantly judged about how I raise my children. I feel like no one wants to be around me or my kids because we are just too complicated, etc.
I really hope that I am just stressed because Bart was gone, and that I don't need to go back on Zoloft. I just feel like I can't catch a break. Sigh. Glad I updated?