Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Whew! I am so glad that Christmas is over. I love Christmas actually, but this year I have no Christmas spirit as you might have picked up on. The tree is already out, because we had no room for all of the kids toys. I had a good Christmas overall. But I have realized and (always known) that Christmas is not about the presents. I mean I have always known that of course. But every year has been pretty good. This year was different. The only present I really want and won't receive is for my grandmother not to be dying.
I feel so torn this week. Bart has the week off, so I have been going to my grams. Thing is I want to be there all the time, but when I am there I want to be home because I feel like a neglectful mother. I also feel bad for Bart because this is his week off. Even though he is getting a taste of what I do, day in and day out. Anyways I know my kids are little and that they won't remember, but I feel torn. I have been there a lot lately, so I have decided that tomorrow I will not go over until later like 6. It is hard. I want to be there. But I need to be here with my kids. I could never go to work now. I would miss my kids too much.
My gram still has her sense of humor. She jokes around with me, and I joke around with her. I lay with her on the bed and we talk, or she will hold my hand. I know how to move her, what medicines she has to take, what number her oxygen has to be on. I spent the night with her on Christmas Eve. I am so glad I did. Bart and I did Christmas morning on Dec. 26. so I could see the kids faces when they got up.
Well thanks for all the prayers and good thoughts I appreciate it.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

I haven't written lately, but I get home late. After Bart comes home from work, we put the kids to bed and then I leave to go to my grams. She is in her bed a lot now, and I go in and lay with her. I made her a photo book and she loved it. I finally got what I wanted to say to her in a card and she read it. Of course she almost doesn't believe the things about herself. She said "You say all these nice things about me..." I said "But gram they are true."
She has lost a lot of hair, and that was only from one treatment. She isn't having anymore treatments. I can notice a difference, she is in more pain and doesn't have much energy. It is so hard to watch her like that. So much has changed since this summer. It sucks, it royally sucks.
Here is the letter:
Dear Gram,
I’m so sorry that you have to go through all of this. It’s not fair. No one deserves to be in pain, especially you. I wish there was something that I could do. I feel so helpless.
I have never told you this, but you are my best friend. I can tell you anything and you always intently listen to me. Whenever I feel like no one is listening to me, I know I can call you or go see you and that you will. You have always made me feel so loved, and proud of myself. I hope I can at least be half the mother that you are.
Some of the greatest moments in my life have been spent with you. I loved staying with you on weekends. Bart and I had so much fun. I loved chatting with you at night, even when you wished secretly that I would go to sleep. I also loved going shopping with you. I even loved bringing you to the pool, even though you hated it. I remember the time we almost didn’t turn off the Christmas lights and it’s a good thing we did. I believe that someone was watching out for us that night. I also remember the time and laugh to myself when I think about that night that you woke me up so I would hear that alarm clock singing “You are my sunshine.”
One of my first memories is eating peanut butter on saltines watching Guiding Light with you. My favorite Christmas memory is when I gave you that stocking. I didn’t realize that you had never had one before. You are always so grateful for everything. I never once got tired of doing stuff for you Gram. I loved to do it. You are always so appreciative.
Gram because of you I am a better person. Your strong faith has showed me to always trust in God, and pray. I am lucky because having a strong faith helps me through rough times. I owe that to you.
I still have those glass angels you gave me for Christmas when I was putting them up I was reminded of how you always said that I was your angel, but you are really MY angel, and always will be.
I love you so much Gram.
Love always and forever,

It is kind of choppy, but I am not the greatest writer. It did however come from my heart. Thank you all who actually read my blog and are praying for my Gram. It means a lot to me.