Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Whew! I am so glad that Christmas is over. I love Christmas actually, but this year I have no Christmas spirit as you might have picked up on. The tree is already out, because we had no room for all of the kids toys. I had a good Christmas overall. But I have realized and (always known) that Christmas is not about the presents. I mean I have always known that of course. But every year has been pretty good. This year was different. The only present I really want and won't receive is for my grandmother not to be dying.
I feel so torn this week. Bart has the week off, so I have been going to my grams. Thing is I want to be there all the time, but when I am there I want to be home because I feel like a neglectful mother. I also feel bad for Bart because this is his week off. Even though he is getting a taste of what I do, day in and day out. Anyways I know my kids are little and that they won't remember, but I feel torn. I have been there a lot lately, so I have decided that tomorrow I will not go over until later like 6. It is hard. I want to be there. But I need to be here with my kids. I could never go to work now. I would miss my kids too much.
My gram still has her sense of humor. She jokes around with me, and I joke around with her. I lay with her on the bed and we talk, or she will hold my hand. I know how to move her, what medicines she has to take, what number her oxygen has to be on. I spent the night with her on Christmas Eve. I am so glad I did. Bart and I did Christmas morning on Dec. 26. so I could see the kids faces when they got up.
Well thanks for all the prayers and good thoughts I appreciate it.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

I haven't written lately, but I get home late. After Bart comes home from work, we put the kids to bed and then I leave to go to my grams. She is in her bed a lot now, and I go in and lay with her. I made her a photo book and she loved it. I finally got what I wanted to say to her in a card and she read it. Of course she almost doesn't believe the things about herself. She said "You say all these nice things about me..." I said "But gram they are true."
She has lost a lot of hair, and that was only from one treatment. She isn't having anymore treatments. I can notice a difference, she is in more pain and doesn't have much energy. It is so hard to watch her like that. So much has changed since this summer. It sucks, it royally sucks.
Here is the letter:
Dear Gram,
I’m so sorry that you have to go through all of this. It’s not fair. No one deserves to be in pain, especially you. I wish there was something that I could do. I feel so helpless.
I have never told you this, but you are my best friend. I can tell you anything and you always intently listen to me. Whenever I feel like no one is listening to me, I know I can call you or go see you and that you will. You have always made me feel so loved, and proud of myself. I hope I can at least be half the mother that you are.
Some of the greatest moments in my life have been spent with you. I loved staying with you on weekends. Bart and I had so much fun. I loved chatting with you at night, even when you wished secretly that I would go to sleep. I also loved going shopping with you. I even loved bringing you to the pool, even though you hated it. I remember the time we almost didn’t turn off the Christmas lights and it’s a good thing we did. I believe that someone was watching out for us that night. I also remember the time and laugh to myself when I think about that night that you woke me up so I would hear that alarm clock singing “You are my sunshine.”
One of my first memories is eating peanut butter on saltines watching Guiding Light with you. My favorite Christmas memory is when I gave you that stocking. I didn’t realize that you had never had one before. You are always so grateful for everything. I never once got tired of doing stuff for you Gram. I loved to do it. You are always so appreciative.
Gram because of you I am a better person. Your strong faith has showed me to always trust in God, and pray. I am lucky because having a strong faith helps me through rough times. I owe that to you.
I still have those glass angels you gave me for Christmas when I was putting them up I was reminded of how you always said that I was your angel, but you are really MY angel, and always will be.
I love you so much Gram.
Love always and forever,

It is kind of choppy, but I am not the greatest writer. It did however come from my heart. Thank you all who actually read my blog and are praying for my Gram. It means a lot to me.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Tonight was hard. I went to visit my gram and I was laying on the bed with her holding her hand while she drifted in and out of sleep. I told her I was going to go home, and she said "I love you so much, so so much. Don't ever forget that." I started crying right there. I don't think she knew though. She was pretty tired. God I love her, and it breaks my heart to see her in pain.
Christmas time is my favorite time of year. But it is so hard to be in the spirit. I'm trying though.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Thanksgiving wasn't all that great. That night we had to go to the E.R. with my Gram. Her meds were screwed up and she was saying weird things. They had to come and get her by ambulance. She ended up coming home that morning. I brought her home. I guess that she had fluid around her lungs..? Anyways they mentioned having a chest tube put in. But that means that she would have to be in the hospital, and most likely in pain. She doesn't want too. Which means, it is all coming too fast for me. I am in denial, I guess. I know that she is going to die but I didn't think it would be this soon. A little part of me still believes that she won't.
Yesterday she gave me her class ring. That meant so much to me. I am wearing it around my neck, because it is too small. I try and go see her every night. I lay on the bed with her, and we just talk. Memories that I will cherish forever.
See we moved up here out in the boonies, away from the city. We had to, so we could buy a house. I live next door to one Gram, and my Gram who has cancer lives a mile from my house. I had a hard time adjusting to living here. I keep saying that I couldn't wait until we could move back. But now, I am so thankful that we did move up here. I am able to go see my gram every day. It wouldn't be possible if I lived in the city. Thank you Lord.
Today my "gramp" has been gone 5 years. It seems like so much longer. He died suddenly of a heart attack. We were so shocked. I remember that day vividly. I was driving home from college listening to Christmas music, and then I noticed my sister pull in right after I got home. I thought she wanted to go shopping. But then I saw her face. I thought it was my dad at first. Then she told me that Gramp had died. I hadn't seen him in 3 weeks. I vowed never to let that happen with any of my grandparents again. And I haven't.
Sorry this has been such a downer blog, but it's my life at the moment. Not that anyone reads it anyways!

Sunday, November 20, 2005

My heart hurts. For the past week I have been trying to block out that my grandmother will be dying. But no matter what I do, it is still there in the back of my mind. Tonight I went to see her. She is in so much pain, and gets sick to her stomach. Why, why, why does she have to be in pain? Why can't she just live the rest of her days feeling half way decent? I really wish I could go back in time for one night...I would pick a night back when she was well and I used to stay with her. If I had one of those nights, this time I would listen, really listen and just take it all in. Unfortunately we can't. I don't want my grandmother to die, but I don't want her to be in pain either. Life royally sucks sometimes.
Tonight when I was talking with Bart, I was asking him why certain things happen, etc. He said "If we didn't experience sorrow, then we wouldn't know happiness" I guess I never thought of it like that.
I want to tell my gram so many things, but I am having a hard time finding the words. I just hope that she knows how I feel. She gave me a bookmark once, and it said "To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world." That is how I truly feel about her.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

This week has been horrible. I found out that my grandmother now has liver cancer. But this time, there is no cure, no surgery. When she told me I felt like my heart was seriously breaking. I just kept thinking, this can't be happening. She can't leave me, not now I need her! She is my best friend. I call her everyday, I see her at least twice a week. If I have a question I call her. She has always believed in me, she never has judged me. She knows me. The best times in my life were spent with her.
My parents divorced when I was three, and my grandparents were always there. They were real, and normal. There was no drama, no divorce, just real people. I spent most of my summers and weekends at my grandparents. When I was a teenager, I still saw them a lot, but not as much as I did when I was a child. Then I went to college and didn't see them as often as I would have liked. On November 28, 2000 my grandfather died suddenly of a heart attack. I hadn't seen him in 3 weeks, which was odd. I still feel guilty about it. After that I made a deal with myself that I would not let that much time go by again with any of my grandparents.

On the weekends I stayed with my gram. I loved it. I got to know my gram, and we talked and talked. I stayed with her on Christmas eve, and Christmas morning I had a stocking ready for her and made breakfast. My gram told me that she had never had a stocking before. I have done it ever since. There are a lot of other stories, and memories that I have.
Anyway I find it hard, I mean I get closer to my grandmothers and then this happens. Now it is going to be like 10 times harder for me. I am trying to be strong for my grandmother, because she needs me to be. But I can't help but be selfish.

I find myself going into denial now. I know that she has cancer, and I know that she is going to die sooner rather than later. But somehow I put on this show, and hold it together. At least to everyone else. I am a private person, I really hate to cry in front of anyone else...even Bart. I would rather cry alone. I am so scared, and angry. How am I going to live without her?

Now I am a Christian and believe in God, but I am so angry at him. Why??? I want to know why...at least I know he is a forgiving God. It just gets really hard to hang on to my faith when something like this happens. But I know I have to. Faith is also what gets me through.


Saturday, October 29, 2005

Four years ago on October 26, 2001 my "papa" passed away. He was 86 years old. That was one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through. He had cancer. I remember we went up for church on Sunday, and then went to visit him. He was still conscious, lying in the bed in the living room. We started the week, and when I look back at it now, I was in complete denial that he was in fact dying. My sister called me and said maybe you should go up after work, he is getting worse. Bart and I drove up after I got out of work. We went in to the living room, and Papa was in and out of it. He did recognize us and smiled and grabbed my hand like he always had. Bart, me and my gram ate dinner. When we were getting ready to leave, we went in to say goodbye to my papa. He didn't wake up. He was on a lot of medication so we thought he was just really tired. Bart and I left.
Tuesday morning I was at work, sitting in the kindergarten classroom on the floor behind my student. I see the secretary for special services out in the hall, she wants me. I go out she puts her hand on my back and tells me I have a phone call. It is my sister. My papa has gone into a coma. Turns out he had Monday night when we tried to say goodbye. I leave work with a million things running through my head. I am numb. That was the longest week of my life. How can it seem to go so fast and so slow at the same time? I stayed at my grams that whole week, watching people bring in food and support. Friday came, and that night we were all in the living room, and his breathing slowed, slowed, and then there was no breathing. At that moment it was like the world stopped. I watched my dad and gram cry. I wish I had been able to tell my papa all the things I wanted to say, the things I wanted him to know.
The people from the funeral home, came that night and took him away. I felt like a part of me died, or a piece of my life.
My papa and gram were a huge part in my upbringing. My parents divorced when I was 2 years old. I visited my dad's every weekend. He would pick me up Friday nights, we would go out to dinner and then drive to his house. I stayed there Friday nights and stayed at papa and grammie's on Saturday nights. We would watch the Golden Girls and eat Tony's pizza. They were so positive in my life. They taught me about God, and brought me to church. I am so grateful for that. I truly believe that if I didn't have my grandparents I would have turned to something bad like drugs or alcohol.
Well thanks for reading if you made it this far. I was just missing my papa.

Friday, October 07, 2005

A very bad day...

This week I have had my worst day as a mother. My friend Nicole came up with her 13 month old dog. We were all outside, Me, Caleb, Meghan, Nicole and Molly (the dog.) Caleb was walking around and I was sitting on the little picnic table with Meggy. Nicole had Molly on a retractable leash. Molly was chasing a ball. Caleb got burned by the leash under his neck and up by his ear. As my brother and husband would call it, he got “clotheslined.” At first I thought he had just gotten knocked down, but I could tell from his cry that it was more than that. I only noticed a little around the ear at first. Later on under his whole neck was a burn. I felt sick to my stomach. It was the worst feeling ever. I felt and still feel like a horrible mother. Wasn’t I supposed to know that this would happen?? I should have been walking around with Caleb instead of sitting my fat lazy ass on the picnic table with Meggy. At one point I was thinking, I can’t take this, I can’t do this…I can’t be a mom. It looks so sore, and must have hurt so bad. My heart hurts for him. Of course you wouldn’t even know it now, he acts normal, but then you see his neck. The night it happened, I just cried and cried.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

I've been tagged....

Ok, this is my second attempt at this, because I lost the first one. UGH!!!!!!
I was tagged, by a sweet and hilarious mom named Natalie. I guess I have to answer some questions so here it goes.

Three random facts about my closet:
1) It has crappy metal doors.
2) It only has my clothes in it
3) We never painted the inside

Three items I’ve never worn but still haven’t tossed.
1) A blue jean dress my Gram gave me.
2) Some pants.
3) One ugly shirt

Three items I’ll never get rid of, no matter how ugly they get:
1) The blue jean dress my Gram gave me
2) My blue denim gap shirt
3) A vest

Three items you wouldn’t expect to find in my closet:
1) My wedding dress (preserved)
2) Honeymoon scrapbook
3) Purses

Three items that made me go, “Oh Lord what was I thinking?”
1) Wool clogs
2) Kathy Ireland blouse
3) LLBean dress

Three things that I have a surprising number of:
1) Purses
2) Concert t-shirts
3) Old Navy shirts

Three dominate colors in my wardrobe:
1) Pink
2) Blue
3) White

Three items that never fail to put me in a good mood whenever I wear them:
1) PJ pants
2) A sexy skirt
3) A red flowy shirt

Three people I will tag:
1) Kristin
2) Mel
3) Cathy

Thursday, September 08, 2005


I haven't written in a long time, for a few reasons. One my family found this, but no big deal I didn't say anything that bad, and two I have been so busy.
I got this in an email and thought I would share.
By Elisa Morgan, President & CEO
We live in a dark world. The events surrounding the tragedy of Hurricane Katrina continue to amaze us all. Families without food or shelter or water. Whole communities devastated. Mothers and children separated by waves of destruction and even death. And the human response of heroism on the one hand and utter depravity on the other.
In the aftermath of Hurricane Andrew, one woman took it upon herself to form a flashlight drive. She sent truckloads of flashlights and batteries to Florida because she didn't want people to be trapped in the darkness of night when there was no electricity in the area.
We all want to do something. To make a difference. To help. We can bring light into the darkness. As Paul writes in Philippians 2:15, we can "...shine like stars in the universe as we hold out the word of life..." We can twinkle.
What does that mean? What would it mean for us to twinkle?
Twinkling means praying and praying and praying for those lives that have been changed beyond recognition.
Twinkling means sending in a donation to a relief organization, doing our part financially.
Twinkling is standing against our very human tendencies toward selfishness and greed in the face of fear or when we feel out of control.
Twinkling is remembering that what we have known to be true in the light is still true in the dark:
-God is present even in the worst moments of life. -As God has been faithful in the past, he will be faithful in the future. -God can bring good out of even the most devastating occurrences.
Yes, we live in a dark world. But take heart and take hope. God is light. And his light is in us. When we shine his light into our world, our light changes the very nature of darkness. Twinkle, twinkle, little star.
I have been at a loss for words, about the devastation of the hurricane. It seems like everything I want to say, I can't put into words. So I received that email from MOPS (Mothers Of Preschoolers). It really summed up what I feel, and wanted to say. Not all of us have the financial means to donate, but we can all pray.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Happy Anniversary to me

Today is my 2nd wedding anniversary. Wow, it really seems a lot longer. When I said that to Bart he got kind of offended. oops! We have been together for 8 years though! So who remembered? My mom, Grandmothers, sister, one of my aunts, in-laws, and a couple of my friends.

One of my friends Jessica, called me today. It meant a lot to me that she remembered and decided to call. She just got back from her 2 week honeymoon (bastards!) She has moved away from me (wahhhhh) She says she will be back though, and I am holding her to it!

About 3 months or so ago, I realized what a TRUE friend is. All this time I had been fooled. How could I be so stupid? A true friend doesn't judge you or anything about you. Like where you live for example. A true friend remembers important dates in your life. Well you get the picture. This all really occurred to me when I went to Jessica's bridal shower. As I sat there in a room full of people I didn't know, she walks in. She sees me from across the room. She ignores everyone else and runs over to me and hugs me and starts crying. (I get teary thinking about this) I felt so honored. Then I realized it BAM! this is what a true friend is!!! Never have I felt with her conscious about my weight, where I live, etc. Some of my other "friends" make me feel like this.

To me, it really is the little things. She remembered my kid's birthday, my birthday, my anniversary. When Caleb and Meghan were born she made them quilts. I thank God that I met her. I hope that everyone can have at least one friend like Jessica. If you do, you certainly are blessed.