Sunday, November 13, 2005

This week has been horrible. I found out that my grandmother now has liver cancer. But this time, there is no cure, no surgery. When she told me I felt like my heart was seriously breaking. I just kept thinking, this can't be happening. She can't leave me, not now I need her! She is my best friend. I call her everyday, I see her at least twice a week. If I have a question I call her. She has always believed in me, she never has judged me. She knows me. The best times in my life were spent with her.
My parents divorced when I was three, and my grandparents were always there. They were real, and normal. There was no drama, no divorce, just real people. I spent most of my summers and weekends at my grandparents. When I was a teenager, I still saw them a lot, but not as much as I did when I was a child. Then I went to college and didn't see them as often as I would have liked. On November 28, 2000 my grandfather died suddenly of a heart attack. I hadn't seen him in 3 weeks, which was odd. I still feel guilty about it. After that I made a deal with myself that I would not let that much time go by again with any of my grandparents.

On the weekends I stayed with my gram. I loved it. I got to know my gram, and we talked and talked. I stayed with her on Christmas eve, and Christmas morning I had a stocking ready for her and made breakfast. My gram told me that she had never had a stocking before. I have done it ever since. There are a lot of other stories, and memories that I have.
Anyway I find it hard, I mean I get closer to my grandmothers and then this happens. Now it is going to be like 10 times harder for me. I am trying to be strong for my grandmother, because she needs me to be. But I can't help but be selfish.

I find myself going into denial now. I know that she has cancer, and I know that she is going to die sooner rather than later. But somehow I put on this show, and hold it together. At least to everyone else. I am a private person, I really hate to cry in front of anyone else...even Bart. I would rather cry alone. I am so scared, and angry. How am I going to live without her?

Now I am a Christian and believe in God, but I am so angry at him. Why??? I want to know least I know he is a forgiving God. It just gets really hard to hang on to my faith when something like this happens. But I know I have to. Faith is also what gets me through.



Shekky said...

I'm sorry to hear sad news about your Grandmother. You still have time to make some memories, and of course you will always cherish the ones you have. Make sure she knows it!


Linda said...

I'm sorry about your Grandmother. I know what if feels like to lose a loved one. My brother, at age 39, died of throat cancer. Its still almost unbelievable. I wish you well. Take solace in your faith.