This week has been horrible. I found out that my grandmother now has liver cancer. But this time, there is no cure, no surgery. When she told me I felt like my heart was seriously breaking. I just kept thinking, this can't be happening. She can't leave me, not now I need her! She is my best friend. I call her everyday, I see her at least twice a week. If I have a question I call her. She has always believed in me, she never has judged me. She knows me. The best times in my life were spent with her.
My parents divorced when I was three, and my grandparents were always there. They were real, and normal. There was no drama, no divorce, just real people. I spent most of my summers and weekends at my grandparents. When I was a teenager, I still saw them a lot, but not as much as I did when I was a child. Then I went to college and didn't see them as often as I would have liked. On November 28, 2000 my grandfather died suddenly of a heart attack. I hadn't seen him in 3 weeks, which was odd. I still feel guilty about it. After that I made a deal with myself that I would not let that much time go by again with any of my grandparents.
On the weekends I stayed with my gram. I loved it. I got to know my gram, and we talked and talked. I stayed with her on Christmas eve, and Christmas morning I had a stocking ready for her and made breakfast. My gram told me that she had never had a stocking before. I have done it ever since. There are a lot of other stories, and memories that I have.
Anyway I find it hard, I mean I get closer to my grandmothers and then this happens. Now it is going to be like 10 times harder for me. I am trying to be strong for my grandmother, because she needs me to be. But I can't help but be selfish.
I find myself going into denial now. I know that she has cancer, and I know that she is going to die sooner rather than later. But somehow I put on this show, and hold it together. At least to everyone else. I am a private person, I really hate to cry in front of anyone else...even Bart. I would rather cry alone. I am so scared, and angry. How am I going to live without her?
Now I am a Christian and believe in God, but I am so angry at him. Why??? I want to know why...at least I know he is a forgiving God. It just gets really hard to hang on to my faith when something like this happens. But I know I have to. Faith is also what gets me through.
Cupcakes and Gambling by The Pioneer Woman
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