Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Tonight was hard. I went to visit my gram and I was laying on the bed with her holding her hand while she drifted in and out of sleep. I told her I was going to go home, and she said "I love you so much, so so much. Don't ever forget that." I started crying right there. I don't think she knew though. She was pretty tired. God I love her, and it breaks my heart to see her in pain.
Christmas time is my favorite time of year. But it is so hard to be in the spirit. I'm trying though.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Thanksgiving wasn't all that great. That night we had to go to the E.R. with my Gram. Her meds were screwed up and she was saying weird things. They had to come and get her by ambulance. She ended up coming home that morning. I brought her home. I guess that she had fluid around her lungs..? Anyways they mentioned having a chest tube put in. But that means that she would have to be in the hospital, and most likely in pain. She doesn't want too. Which means, it is all coming too fast for me. I am in denial, I guess. I know that she is going to die but I didn't think it would be this soon. A little part of me still believes that she won't.
Yesterday she gave me her class ring. That meant so much to me. I am wearing it around my neck, because it is too small. I try and go see her every night. I lay on the bed with her, and we just talk. Memories that I will cherish forever.
See we moved up here out in the boonies, away from the city. We had to, so we could buy a house. I live next door to one Gram, and my Gram who has cancer lives a mile from my house. I had a hard time adjusting to living here. I keep saying that I couldn't wait until we could move back. But now, I am so thankful that we did move up here. I am able to go see my gram every day. It wouldn't be possible if I lived in the city. Thank you Lord.
Today my "gramp" has been gone 5 years. It seems like so much longer. He died suddenly of a heart attack. We were so shocked. I remember that day vividly. I was driving home from college listening to Christmas music, and then I noticed my sister pull in right after I got home. I thought she wanted to go shopping. But then I saw her face. I thought it was my dad at first. Then she told me that Gramp had died. I hadn't seen him in 3 weeks. I vowed never to let that happen with any of my grandparents again. And I haven't.
Sorry this has been such a downer blog, but it's my life at the moment. Not that anyone reads it anyways!

Sunday, November 20, 2005

My heart hurts. For the past week I have been trying to block out that my grandmother will be dying. But no matter what I do, it is still there in the back of my mind. Tonight I went to see her. She is in so much pain, and gets sick to her stomach. Why, why, why does she have to be in pain? Why can't she just live the rest of her days feeling half way decent? I really wish I could go back in time for one night...I would pick a night back when she was well and I used to stay with her. If I had one of those nights, this time I would listen, really listen and just take it all in. Unfortunately we can't. I don't want my grandmother to die, but I don't want her to be in pain either. Life royally sucks sometimes.
Tonight when I was talking with Bart, I was asking him why certain things happen, etc. He said "If we didn't experience sorrow, then we wouldn't know happiness" I guess I never thought of it like that.
I want to tell my gram so many things, but I am having a hard time finding the words. I just hope that she knows how I feel. She gave me a bookmark once, and it said "To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world." That is how I truly feel about her.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

This week has been horrible. I found out that my grandmother now has liver cancer. But this time, there is no cure, no surgery. When she told me I felt like my heart was seriously breaking. I just kept thinking, this can't be happening. She can't leave me, not now I need her! She is my best friend. I call her everyday, I see her at least twice a week. If I have a question I call her. She has always believed in me, she never has judged me. She knows me. The best times in my life were spent with her.
My parents divorced when I was three, and my grandparents were always there. They were real, and normal. There was no drama, no divorce, just real people. I spent most of my summers and weekends at my grandparents. When I was a teenager, I still saw them a lot, but not as much as I did when I was a child. Then I went to college and didn't see them as often as I would have liked. On November 28, 2000 my grandfather died suddenly of a heart attack. I hadn't seen him in 3 weeks, which was odd. I still feel guilty about it. After that I made a deal with myself that I would not let that much time go by again with any of my grandparents.

On the weekends I stayed with my gram. I loved it. I got to know my gram, and we talked and talked. I stayed with her on Christmas eve, and Christmas morning I had a stocking ready for her and made breakfast. My gram told me that she had never had a stocking before. I have done it ever since. There are a lot of other stories, and memories that I have.
Anyway I find it hard, I mean I get closer to my grandmothers and then this happens. Now it is going to be like 10 times harder for me. I am trying to be strong for my grandmother, because she needs me to be. But I can't help but be selfish.

I find myself going into denial now. I know that she has cancer, and I know that she is going to die sooner rather than later. But somehow I put on this show, and hold it together. At least to everyone else. I am a private person, I really hate to cry in front of anyone else...even Bart. I would rather cry alone. I am so scared, and angry. How am I going to live without her?

Now I am a Christian and believe in God, but I am so angry at him. Why??? I want to know why...at least I know he is a forgiving God. It just gets really hard to hang on to my faith when something like this happens. But I know I have to. Faith is also what gets me through.