I know I haven't updated in forever. I have wanted to many times, but didn't because no matter how I put it, I would be a downer. So you were warned. I have been down lately. There are a lot of contributing factors.

I miss my gram terribly, I thought I was getting better but I'm not. It hurts right now like it did when I found out that she had cancer. My heart aches everyday. I feel like she is the only one who really knows me. I can't help it. I feel alone without her. I miss her so much, and she is on my mind everyday. I hate that she is not here, I am mad and angry about it. All I can replay in my mind is her being sick, I can't seem to remember when she wasn't. It's like a movie over and over in my mind. It kills me.

I am so not the mother I thought I would be. Ever since I was little I wanted to be a mom. Now I am one, and I feel like a failure. I have no patience with them lately, and I have even yelled at them this week. I mean yelled. I feel like such an asshole of a mother. I feel like I don't do enough with them, and that my gram is looking down and is so disappointed in how I treat my kids. I feel constantly judged about how I raise my children. I feel like no one wants to be around me or my kids because we are just too complicated, etc.

I really hope that I am just stressed because Bart was gone, and that I don't need to go back on Zoloft. I just feel like I can't catch a break. Sigh. Glad I updated?

In Memory Of Daniel F. McGinley

Daniel F. McGinley was a family man, and a man of the Lord. He valued his family and his deep Catholic faith. He was known as the always "working the beads" when his brother last talked to him on September 11, Daniel was saying the Rosary for the people in the other tower. That says a lot about the person he was.

He was proud of his Irish heritage, that every St. Patrick's Day he took the day off work and took his wife Peggy, and their 5 children to a parade on Fifth Avenue. He also loved to sing his favorite, "Danny Boy" his wife even bought him a karoke machine.

Daniel enjoyed playing hockey, and was quite good at it. He played twice a week. He also coached his children's soccer, hockey, and baseball teams. He was also very interested in his Irish Heritage and Catholic religion. He knew his history on both subjects very well.

After reading all about Daniel while researching for this blog what really stood out to me was what an all around great guy he was. He was a great friend, husband, and father. Not everyone is so fortunate to know someone like Daniel. It was hard for me to write this without sounding like an obitutary. I am glad that I got to do this. My thoughts and prayers are with all of Daniel's family on this day, as well as all the other 2,995 that lost their lives.

Prayers Please

Can you please pray for Joseph? He is a 3 year old boy that has had one cord blood transplant and now needs another one. He is currently on a ventilator. I know he and his family would appreciate your prayers. Thanks.

Maine

So this weekend we went to Maine. It was not bad, but the kids sleep horribly in hotels. But they loved being "free" as we let them run around with Elise, Jack, and Seth. They even met a few other friends while staying there. I was very thankful to have help, my grandmother and my great aunt watched Caleb and Meghan, so Bart and I could eat breakfast in peace. LOL My kids aren't really so great at eating out, but I will say they did pretty well in Maine.
There was a Canadian couple that had boy/girl twins that were the same age as Caleb & Meghan. They were born on the 21st of May. But they were 2 months premature. Meghan and the little boy hit it off, they even kissed once. Too cute!
It rained the whole way home, and the DVD player in my car stopped working before we even left for home. I was so fuming mad about that, because it is our lifesaver for long rides, and because I have had to return it like twice before. Good thing we got the warranty.
I am so glad to be home in my own bed though!

Missing Gram

Every year since I can remember we go to the fair with my moms side of the family. Not all of them but some of them. My gram loved to go to the fair. We went on Tuesday August 29, and it was not the same at all. This is the first year without gram there.
One of my favorite stories that my gram told me was how she used to take her 9 kids to the fair every year. They didn't have much money but she would take them, and they would go out and eat in the car with a picnic that gram had prepared. She would buy things that they never had because they were too expensive to buy all the time, like soda and cookies. So even though they didn't have a lot of money to get fair food, she still made it special for them by getting things that they rarely had. She also gave each kid a roll of dimes to use for what they wanted whether it be rides or games.
I love that story because it shows what a great mom my grandmother was. She still made it special for them even though they didn't have much money.