Four years ago on October 26, 2001 my "papa" passed away. He was 86 years old. That was one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through. He had cancer. I remember we went up for church on Sunday, and then went to visit him. He was still conscious, lying in the bed in the living room. We started the week, and when I look back at it now, I was in complete denial that he was in fact dying. My sister called me and said maybe you should go up after work, he is getting worse. Bart and I drove up after I got out of work. We went in to the living room, and Papa was in and out of it. He did recognize us and smiled and grabbed my hand like he always had. Bart, me and my gram ate dinner. When we were getting ready to leave, we went in to say goodbye to my papa. He didn't wake up. He was on a lot of medication so we thought he was just really tired. Bart and I left.
Tuesday morning I was at work, sitting in the kindergarten classroom on the floor behind my student. I see the secretary for special services out in the hall, she wants me. I go out she puts her hand on my back and tells me I have a phone call. It is my sister. My papa has gone into a coma. Turns out he had Monday night when we tried to say goodbye. I leave work with a million things running through my head. I am numb. That was the longest week of my life. How can it seem to go so fast and so slow at the same time? I stayed at my grams that whole week, watching people bring in food and support. Friday came, and that night we were all in the living room, and his breathing slowed, slowed, and then there was no breathing. At that moment it was like the world stopped. I watched my dad and gram cry. I wish I had been able to tell my papa all the things I wanted to say, the things I wanted him to know.
The people from the funeral home, came that night and took him away. I felt like a part of me died, or a piece of my life.
My papa and gram were a huge part in my upbringing. My parents divorced when I was 2 years old. I visited my dad's every weekend. He would pick me up Friday nights, we would go out to dinner and then drive to his house. I stayed there Friday nights and stayed at papa and grammie's on Saturday nights. We would watch the Golden Girls and eat Tony's pizza. They were so positive in my life. They taught me about God, and brought me to church. I am so grateful for that. I truly believe that if I didn't have my grandparents I would have turned to something bad like drugs or alcohol.
Well thanks for reading if you made it this far. I was just missing my papa.

A very bad day...

This week I have had my worst day as a mother. My friend Nicole came up with her 13 month old dog. We were all outside, Me, Caleb, Meghan, Nicole and Molly (the dog.) Caleb was walking around and I was sitting on the little picnic table with Meggy. Nicole had Molly on a retractable leash. Molly was chasing a ball. Caleb got burned by the leash under his neck and up by his ear. As my brother and husband would call it, he got “clotheslined.” At first I thought he had just gotten knocked down, but I could tell from his cry that it was more than that. I only noticed a little around the ear at first. Later on under his whole neck was a burn. I felt sick to my stomach. It was the worst feeling ever. I felt and still feel like a horrible mother. Wasn’t I supposed to know that this would happen?? I should have been walking around with Caleb instead of sitting my fat lazy ass on the picnic table with Meggy. At one point I was thinking, I can’t take this, I can’t do this…I can’t be a mom. It looks so sore, and must have hurt so bad. My heart hurts for him. Of course you wouldn’t even know it now, he acts normal, but then you see his neck. The night it happened, I just cried and cried.

I've been tagged....

Ok, this is my second attempt at this, because I lost the first one. UGH!!!!!!
I was tagged, by a sweet and hilarious mom named Natalie. I guess I have to answer some questions so here it goes.

Three random facts about my closet:
1) It has crappy metal doors.
2) It only has my clothes in it
3) We never painted the inside

Three items I’ve never worn but still haven’t tossed.
1) A blue jean dress my Gram gave me.
2) Some pants.
3) One ugly shirt

Three items I’ll never get rid of, no matter how ugly they get:
1) The blue jean dress my Gram gave me
2) My blue denim gap shirt
3) A vest

Three items you wouldn’t expect to find in my closet:
1) My wedding dress (preserved)
2) Honeymoon scrapbook
3) Purses

Three items that made me go, “Oh Lord what was I thinking?”
1) Wool clogs
2) Kathy Ireland blouse
3) LLBean dress

Three things that I have a surprising number of:
1) Purses
2) Concert t-shirts
3) Old Navy shirts

Three dominate colors in my wardrobe:
1) Pink
2) Blue
3) White

Three items that never fail to put me in a good mood whenever I wear them:
1) PJ pants
2) A sexy skirt
3) A red flowy shirt

Three people I will tag:
1) Kristin
2) Mel
3) Cathy