Rants

Where do I start? Last week I was on the way to go grocery shopping with Caleb and Meghan. Bart was going to stay home and watch Hayley while working. It was a crappy rainy day, and half way there my car dies. So I call Bart and have him come to pick me up, only to realize 3 kids won't fit in a Honda Civic. So I call my awesome cousin Heidi to come and save my ass. So she came and brought one kid all the way to my house for me. (Thank you so much!!) We have the car towed, thank goodness for Allstate Motor club. We have it fixed, it was the alternator. I was secretly hoping that it would be something not worth fixing so we could get a new (used) van. No such luck. Fine whatever. I decide then to obsessively clean my car. Next morning Bart goes to start it. Nothing. So tack on a new battery to that list. I was just happy to have my van back all in all. Until yesterday.

Should you be worried when your children come in and say "Mommy, window broken on car" I think we all know the answer to that. YES! I said "A window better not be broken!" thinking that they cracked a window. I walked out and saw black tinted glass all over the ground. The whole rear side window was gone. ALL OF IT. There is no way that Caleb and Meghan could have done it. Most of the glass is on the outside of the car, so we have come to the conclusion that it burst because of this obsessive heat lately. Seriously, WTF? Do you think this an omen to get a new van, or am I just imagining it?

Let me also add Wildblue satellite internet to my list of rants. Their customer service, SUCKS. But because I live in the boonies, they have us by the balls and they know it. I signed up for this awesome service, if I could use it called Carbonite. They back up your files and it cost about 50 a year which isn't bad at all considering I have no time and I am really worried about losing my photos. So I signed up for their 2 week trial, and was feeling good about it. Until one day when my internet was slower than dial-up, if that is even possible. So Bart called and then they told us we had exceeded our bandwith. I didn't even know we had a limit. But apparently it is in our fair access policy, listed in our contract that I signed 2 years ago. Do you think I remembered or really even read it? No. They said that they had sent us emails warning us. We didn't get those emails, because they had the wrong one listed. Which is such bullshit because I have had to call there numerous times before and they have sent me emails. Bart asks how long before our service is normal again, after deleting Carbonite. Umm 30 days they say! We mention that we have been a customer for 2.5 years and have never once come close to going over. The only reason we did this time was because Carbonite was backing up our files. We always pay our bill on time etc etc...nope can't help you. Bastards. HOW LONG BEFORE WE CAN GET HIGH SPEED IN THE FREAKIN ASS BOONIES?!!!

There I am done, for today.

Introducing Hayley!!

Hayley Marion was born on April 22, 2008 at 9:14 am weighing 8lbs 14oz and was 21.5 inches long.

Please pray for Tricia!

I know I have posted in a long time, but I do read a lot of blogs. One of my newest ones is about a woman named Tricia who has cystic fibrosis. Her husband writes daily in his blog about her and their preemie Gwyneth. They have amazing faith, and just found out tonight that she has a set of donor lungs that are a match for her. She is currently in the OR right now, and I am asking anyone who even reads this to say lots of prayers for her. This is their blog, please check it out!
http://cfhusband.blogspot.com

Thank you!

Also please remember and pray for the donor's family at this time as they are grieving.

Caleb & Meghan Sliding

Just when I think I might lose it because my kids are driving me crazy, they act sweet. Sigh. All morning Caleb and Meghan have been at it. Throwing things at each other, seeing who can yell louder and so on. Then Caleb and Meghan decide they are going to be "baseball" players and put on matching football jersey's. Then they sit together at lunch and tell each other that they love each other. Then they give each other a "mooch" how sweet is that? Best of friends worst of enemies.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! Wow, long time no post. I remember last year that I said my resolution was to write on this more. So much for that. This year I won't even make a resolution and maybe I will keep it.
In case you hadn't heard I am pregnant! This time we are sure that it is only one, and we *think* it's a girl. We are building an extra room and walk in closet downstairs, which we will use as our office and playroom. The office now will be the new baby's room.
Today it has been 2 years since my gram has died. It seems like A LOT longer to me. I still think about her everyday.
Christmas was good, it went by too fast and again was too hectic. I always say I will do my shopping earlier, and bake earlier but I never get around to doing it. Ahh, maybe 2008 will be different. The kids had a blast on Christmas, of course it lasted for 5 days! We had so many places to go that it was exhausting. You should see my house now, I have no room with all the new toys.
Bart has been off for a week or so, and I got to read some of my new books. Out of the 4 new books I got, I have read 3. My favorite new author is Jodie Picoult. Love her books and it takes me about 2 days to finish them. I recommend if you are looking for something to read.
I dread Bart going back to work, cause he is going to be jumping right into his busy time. By the time his busy season is winding down, I will be ready to have a baby. We still have a lot to do before this little one comes! AHHHH!
I hope you all have a great 2008!

Missing gram

Gosh, I miss you Gram.

You Are An ISFP

The Artist You are a gifted artist or musician (though your talents may be dormant right now). You enjoy spending your free time in nature, and you are good with animals and children. Simply put, you enjoy beauty in all its forms and live for the simple pleasures in life. Gentle, sensitive, and compassionate - you are good at recognizing people's unspoken needs. In love, you are quiet and sweet yet very passionate. You love easily. You have an underlying love for all living things, and it's easy for you to accept someone into your heart. At work, you do best in an unconventional position. You express yourself well and can work with almost anyone. You would make a good veterinarian, pediatrician, or composer. How you see yourself: Sympathetic, kind, and communicative When other people don't get you, they see you as: Incompetent, insecure, and overly sensitive

What's Your Personality Type?

Think that sounds like me?

Meghan broke her arm

Monday night Caleb & Meghan were playing outside. Bart was grilling and I was inside cooking dinner. Meghan fell off the slide, and Bart went to pick her up. I noticed her arm was deformed and panicked. I ran up to my grams, she came down to get Caleb and we got in the car and took her to the ER. Yup, she broke it. It was the worst thing I have ever had to experience as a mother. They had to put her under so they could set it. She has a temporary cast on right now, and we go Friday for more x-rays. I feel so guilty, I wish I had been out there. All I can see is her arm in my mind over and over.
Meghan was such a trooper, she hardly cried on the way there or at the hospital. It was Bart and I who were crying. She is better and acting like herself. Only problem is she wants to run, jump, and be a kid and I am a nervous wreck. Until she has the hard cast on I will worry. I don't want it to move and have to go back in and have them do what they did Monday night. This is going to be a long 4-6 weeks! If you could pray that her arm heals normal, I would appreciate it.

My babies aren't babies anymore!

Caleb & Meghan are 3! I can't believe they are 3 years old already. We started off our day by having breakfast, then we got ready and stopped by "Papa's work" to say hi. Well Caleb was so excited when Papa decided we could go out back and look at all the "big trucks". Meghan was equally as excited. Caleb's huge blue eyes got a big as saucers when he say the "digger" and "bucket loader" oh and don't forget the "roller", that totally made his day. Then we got their favorite "chicken french fries" at McD's and brought it to "Mimi choo-choo's house". They call her that because she lives near a train track and they get to see the trains. Then Caleb and I went to get his haircut. He was so quiet the whole time, the woman asked him questions but he didn't say a word. It's funny because when he is around people he knows, he talks and talks, and Meghan is more quiet. But then they switch when we are out in public. He did sit in the chair all by himself this time. He got a lollipop and got one for Meg too. When we were walking back to my moms house I said "Caleb you're so handsome!" and he said "Caleb cute, Caleb cute" that he is! Tomorrow well actually today since it's so late is their party at Zachary's. I can't wait, they will have so much fun!

Just a few things I don't want to forget...

Last night I made Hamburger stroganoff and Caleb said "mmm, delicious"
Meghan told me I was so cute, and I was wearing my pjs all day.

Rain sucks. Today was a lazy day, the kids watched movies and played with toys. We were supposed to drive and see my mom, but I didn't feel like treking out there to be stressed with my kids. So we stayed home. The kids napped and I promised them that they could go to my grams after nap to see the puppy. They remembered. We got all our stuff on because it is pouring outside. Fun, fun! We go see Juliette (the puppy) she was so excited to see the kids. Until of course the kids were terrorizing her. They just get so excited and don't realize how tiny she is. Usually at my grams the kids are good, especially when I am not there. But man today they were fighting and being mean to the puppy. Ugh I couldn't wait to leave. I was sick of telling them to be nice.

Bart got home at a decent time (shocker) and then I went to Toys R Us to get the rest of their birthday gifts. I picked up Gloria at work and first we went to Costco, and then I decided to run to Ritz Camera to pick up the dvd transfer and my tape. I was so excited that it was done and couldn't wait to watch it. So I decided that maybe I should open it before I leave. Good idea on my part because I take out the dvd and on the cover they have like freeze frames of different parts, well this wasn't my dvd. How did I know? Well they were all African American people on it. Instantly I get pissed because I want to see my tape, and then realize that someone probably has my dvd. This tape that my friend and I made is stupid, but I suppose funny, we were in high school! Anyways, then I check my tape, and they didn't fix it. WTH?! So before I flip I decide maybe this is my dvd and its the wrong cover, after all it does say Kylee & Jen on the cover. I put it in my kids dvd player and start to watch. It's not my tape. It's some other family, cooking on a BBQ with tons of meat on a huge grill. It was sort of funny, or at least Gloria thought so. Then I hear on the DVD the guy say here they are smoking marijuana. I look at the dvd and there they are passing around a joint at the BBQ with tons of people and young children. Gloria by this time is laughing her ass off. I take out the dvd and bring it back in, and tell the guy its not my dvd. He re-fills out all the forms and puts REDO across in big letters. I am bummed! Now I have to wait 3 more weeks!! I swear this ALWAYS happens to me. SIGH.

So anyways I went to TRU and got the kids a water table, Meghan some make-up and a dvd. I already have 2 beach towels with Mickey on them, Mickey Mouse pjs, Minnie pjs, trucks, and cars. That is good, considering I think we own every single toy ever made. Just ask Heidi.

So that was my interesting day.

4 days until Caleb and Meghan are 3!!

You know what annoys me? People at the grocery store. When I shop at night there is a guy who uses this really LOUD machine to polish the floors. I swear that he follows me and tries to piss me off. It is SO not relaxing when that loud machine is on my ass in the store. Then I get to the checkout, and am putting my stuff on the belt. Fine, great, good. Someone walks up behind me and put her stuff on. UMM HELLO?! I am not done putting my stuff on, and in case you didn't notice the belt, it moves. Ugh.

Today was an alright day until, Meghan and Caleb woke up from nap. I went in and Meghan had an explosive poop. It was on her sheets, up her back. Sigh. So I strip her and put her in bath. Strip her bed, disinfect her crib, change the changing table pad and throw in a load of wash. That was tons of fun.

After we were de-pooped we went to Jack's tee ball game. The kids had a blast and it was fun to watch Jack play. I can't wait until we are at Caleb & Meghan's events. After we went to McDonald's for "chicken french fries" as Caleb calls it. It was actually a decent day!!

TGIF

It has been so hot here lately. This is Vermont people!! What the heck? Anyways I enjoy nice weather but I could do a little more without the humidity. The kids love being outside, and the poor kids couldn't nap it was so hot in their room. Yesterday was the mother and daughter banquet, a long time tradition here. I went with my gram, Meggy, my MIL, and sister Nikki and Elise. I don't mind these type of events, I know they mean a lot to my grandmother. The only bad part of the night was that I sat next to someone who had REALLY bad BO. My sister could smell it across the table. Gag. If I had to smell that all the time I could really stick to weight watchers. Maybe I should just fore-go the deodorant.......

Speaking of WW, I have for the most part stayed on. I walked 3 times this week 1.5 miles. We are talking a big hill and dirt roads. My ass burns walking up the hill. But have I lost? Not according to my scale. Yeah, yeah, I hear the whole muscle weighs more than fat deal..but I don't want to be a muscular fat person!! Argh.

Some days I feel like such an old lady. I know that sounds weird, but ever since I had kids its like my friends treat me different, as do some of my family in a way. I guess it's hard to explain. I don't get thought of to do things, cause I have kids. Hello people, I can still go out. I guess its too hard to explain. I feel like I don't fit in many places. I always feel out of my element, whether its at church, mops, or out with friends. I feel like I don't fit in. Like people are always judging me. Even though I am sure that's not always the case.

I stayed pretty well on my diet today, even when my gram brought good homemade cookies down! Yum. The kids did not nap, and they were so cranky! But Gloria came over and we chatted, had a little coffee and then took the kids outside. We did all the normal routine things we usually do. We went across the road and played in the brook, walked around the baseball field, then went through the covered bridge, and down the dirt road to throw rocks in the river.
Bart met us, and we walked back to our house, put the kids in the stroller, and we walked around the block. My legs are so tired!! When I walk with Gloria it goes by pretty fast, cause we chat. The more and more we hang out, the more I realize we have a lot in common. This sounds really sappy, but I am so thankful to have met her.

Tonight the kids were so cute. They had a great bath, and then got their pj's on. I opened the window and they listened for the frogs. They were so cute listening, and we even called mi-mi to tell her.

I have 2 jewelry parties to go to this week! I am going to be broke! I really need to get Meghan's and Caleb's birthday invites done too, I was going to make them myself but I need some cardstock paper.

Did I mention I got some gorgeous presents for my bday? I got a notebook and address book from an online friend who remembered my birthday! She made them, aren't they beautiful. It was so thoughtful.

Monday, Monday

Well today was a busy day. I found out that my mom was going to be in town, so I packed up the kids and went to my moms. She watched them and I ran to Kinney's, Hallmark, the post office, then Gloria called and met up with me. We went in my car, stopped by Ritz Camera to send a video tape to get fixed. Which by the way I can't WAIT to watch, its a stupid silly video from high school with a good friend. Then we went to Walmart I got some exercise pants, which are so comfy! I also got some tubs because I am trying to organize. Then I dropped Gloria off, and went to my moms. Bart met me there and then I went to exercise with Gloria and then went grocery shopping. WHEW!!

I didn't do much this weekend, the weather really sucked. I wanted to go to the maple fest but it rained all weekend pretty much. On Saturday Gloria and I went shopping and then went to dinner at Nicco's an italian restaurant. Then we had a small Ben & Jerry's ice cream. Yum. On Sunday we went to Costco and then watched Elise play softball. She did really well! She was so proud and the kids had a blast there.

In a few weeks, Caleb and Meghan will be 3 years old! I can't believe it. As someone said the days are long, but the years are short. So true.

Long time no post...whats new

Wow, so I suck at resolutions. Oh well.

So my gram's house is sold, they close on the 30th. This really seems to bother me, I would almost feel better if it had just burned down. I know that sounds awful, but then no one would get to have it. I already know they are going to remodel it. That should be really fun when I have to drive by it all the time. Good times.

I am currently doing Weight Watchers and so far have lost 8.2lbs. It seems to come off so slow. This week I am ravenous, thanks Aunt Flo!! ARGH!

My kids are doing good I guess. Meghan has been throwing fits/tantrums left and right over nothing. I can already tell that 3 is going to be fun. They have been loving the weather lately, our new thing is to go across the road and play in the brook. Usually Gram is with us, and I am really grateful that she helps me out so much. I have learned that every day is a gift. My kids are so lucky to have her around, as am I. I am pretty lucky to have twins, they are in deed a handful but they have a close bond and watching them is so cute. I think things have been a little easier with twins like bedtime. They each have each other, and bedtime usually isn't a battle. The cutest thing ever was when Meghan told Caleb she "wubed (loved) him" so cute.

I have finished 2 books, one was Paula Deen's autobiography. It was really good, and a good read I thought. I want to go to Savannah, GA to go to her restaurant sometime. Yum, it all sounds so good. I don't know how people in the south aren't huge if people cook like that down there! The 2nd book I read was 90 Minutes in Heaven. It was a good short book, and made me think a lot. I cried reading his chapter on Heaven, because it was like I knew that my gram was okay.

I had a birthday on April 7th and it was great (besides friends that forgot, some friends huh?). I got a new purse which I love, and a new lense for my camera, coffee :) some money, and a necklace. I also got a new table with chairs and I LOVE IT! It was a bargain too!

I went dancing last weekend with my cousin, aunts, and new friend Gloria. I had a blast and danced my ass off. Maybe that is why I lost so much weight this week! It was a nice break, and I always have fun with my family.

The reason I haven't blogged lately is because it is such a bitch to sign on the desktop. The laptop is fine but the desktop irritates me.

"To Where You Are"

By Josh Groban

Who can say for certain

Maybe you're still here

I feel you all around me

Your memory's so clear

Deep in the stillness

I can hear you speak

You're still an inspiration

Can it be (?)

That you are mine

Forever love

And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are

Beyond the distant star

I wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for awhile to know you're there

A breath away's not far

To where you are

Are you gently sleeping

Here inside my dream

And isn't faith believing

All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you

Just one beat away

I cherish all you gave me everyday

'Cause you are my

Forever love

Watching me from up above

And I believe

That angels breathe

And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up

To where you are

Beyond the distant star

I wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for awhile

To know you're there

A breath away's not far

To where you are

I know you're there

A breath away's not far

To where you are

So finally Bart is not working so much. It has been so nice to have him home at night. The kids especially love it. So last night we called Dell and finally on our own fixed the cd burner, it only took like 2 hours. I thought today was Thursday. I was a little disappointed when I figured out it was only freakin Wednesday. Tomorrow I might go have dinner & drinks with some friends from High School. I can't freakin wait, I hope it all works out so that I can go. I need a night out.

I rarely go to the grocery store with the kids. I usually go on the weekends. Well this past weekend I couldn't and it screws up my whole week. So gram said why don't we go..so we went yesterday. This is how it started off. We tell the kids we are going to the grocery store, and they are excited because we are actually leaving the house. So they are getting ready, I go out to warm up the car. It doesn't start. I was cursing, seriously WTF. It would turn over but nothing, and I had a full tank of gas. So the benefit of living in a small, minuscule community is that I call the guy who owns the garage and he drives down, has some dry gas, puts that in tries, nothing. Then he freakin floors the gas, all of a sudden POP and it starts. I was like how much do I owe ya? 5.00. Can't beat a small town sometime. So we get the kids loaded, and head on our way. Caleb was so good at the store, and Meghan was having a freakin fit towards the end. Stresses me out, and then I forget stuff, and buy bad things. LOL She was stressing me out, so I decided to get my favorite homemade Cusson's donuts. DAMN they are good. Anyways, we leave there and the kids see McDonald's and immediately start in. As Caleb calls it "Chicken-french fries" so I ask gram, and we go. They are actually pretty good there, and eat. Towards the end they were being goofy and marching and going in circles, but they were okay. Then I got the car washed, not sure why since I have to drive on a freakin dirt road home. Caleb was scared and informed me that "No like it mommy, no like it!" Then we drive home, and the dirt road is mostly mud, it is like driving on ice at some points and my car is all dirty again. What a stressful long day!! I don't think we will be doing that anytime soon. I enjoy my Sunday grocery shopping alone.

Now for some random facts:

• I love Ellen DeGeneres
• I currently like the song "Colorblind" By Counting Crows
• I am breaking out, and I never do! Damn heavy period
• I am dreading grammie leaving for Arizona for a week

Happy Birthday Gram

Happy Birthday Gram. Hope you are celebrating in Heaven with our family. I love & miss you beyond words.

I'm sick of grieving. Does that sound bad? I am though. I think I am doing better and then I have bad days. It sucks. I miss my gram so much. I still can't believe that she is gone. It doesn't help driving past her house either. Still for sale, no one has bought it. I am sort of glad because I am not ready to see it filled with strange people. My other gram that lives next door helps me every day which I have said before. Well all I can think about lately is what if something happens to her? My kids won't understand, I will be living up here without her. I try and not think about it, and enjoy my time left with her. I guess I am just not ready to deal with another death right now. I wish I would dream about my gram or something. I really do miss her. You know what I should have done? This sounds really weird and odd, I'm sure but I should have taped my gram with a mini tape recorder. Her voice. Then I could listen to her whenever I wanted. Her birthday is the 21st of this month. She would have been 77.

I slept for crap last night. I always do when Bart is gone. It sucks. I guess I should be in bed since Bart has to work on a Saturday!! Ugh. Lately Caleb has been crying for him :( I have also had this nagging cough and runny nose for like a month. It's really starting to irritate me.

Tonight I watched Trading Spouses. I could not believe this one mother on there. She was so ignorant. She hated gays, Hispanics, etc etc. It was so annoying, I hate people like that. I hope she learned something from her experience and maybe can be more open minded.

Ok, so I suck at resolutions huh? Well tonight for some reason I could not get into blogger. I am so irritated with this computer. Ok, lets see. We got ourselves for Christmas this brand new HP computer, well we get it, take it of the box, set it up, it doesn't work. RIGHT OUT OF THE DAMN BOX, and it DOESN'T WORK!!!!!!!!! So Bart called HP and talked with tech support for 2.5 hours to accomplish nothing. Then we were going to send it back, well everyone we talked to had no idea it seemed like. We kept getting switched etc, etc. Finally we talk to someone and told them we were sending it back and wanted a refund. We had such a horrible experience with HP customer service we decided to just get a Dell. So we order a Dell, and get it, take it out of the box and it works! YAY! But the speakers don't. Ok, no big deal. Well 3 weeks later, the computer randomly shuts down, and then I get a blue screen. Over and over. I call Dell tech support and talk with the very nice guy for 2 hours. We concluded that they needed to come out here and fix it. The guy comes fixes it, and it is working good, except...now my cd drive does not work. It did before. Sigh. WTH!!! Seriously, I could snap on this thing. I don't mind calling tech support, but I don't have 2-3 hours to devote to talking to them with my kids here. So I need to wait until someone can watch them or something I guess.

Not much else is going on in my boring life. Sigh. Bart is working long hours, and I hardly get to see him. It sucks, cause I could use a break and the kids miss him lots. I hate tax season, for this reason. My mom has offered to watch the kids overnight so Bart and I could get away but everywhere I look they mostly require 2 night minimum. That is so irritating. If we are going to stay somewhere I want it to be nice and not like a regular room at the Holiday Inn.

Enchiladas de Pollo y Queso

Here is the recipe I made:

Enchiladas de Pollo y Queso (Kathy-imajacobs)
5 T butter
1 cup chopped onion
2 cups cooked chicken, chopped or shredded
4 oz chopped green chilies
1/4 cup flour
1 T chili powder
1/2 tsp ground coriander
1/2 tsp. ground cumin
2 1/2 cups chicken broth
1 cup sour cream
1 1/2 cups shredded Monterey Jack
12 tortillas-I prefer flour
Melt 2 T. butter and cook onions until softened. Remove to a bowl. Add chicken and green chilies. Melt remaining butter. Blend in flour and seasonings. Whisk in chicken broth. Cook, stirring until sauce boils. Remove from heat. Stir in sour cream and 1/2 cup cheese. Stir 1/2 cup sauce into chicken mixture. Spoon chicken mixture into tortillas and roll up. Place in 9x13 pan. Top with remaining sauce and cheese. Bake uncovered at 350 for about 25 minutes

I added more chicken and cheese, and it only made enough for 7 big size tortillas. I left out coriander (cause I don't like it) and cumin cause I didn't have any. I added hot sauce also. These were DELICIOUS!

Ok, Ok, I gotta keep up and get in habit with this. That is one of my resolutions and all. Not much to say really, I do the same shit everyday. I pretty much stay in my jammies all day, clean up messes, stop fights, etc etc. Tomorrow is MOPS (Mother of Preschoolers) I dread it. Not because its boring but because I have to peel Meghan off me to go. I love MOPS, and really look forward to the break but I hate drop off. Hate it. But I am going, and Meghan will just have to deal I guess. Maybe it will be better this time? Ahhh probably not. Oh well. How am I ever going to do preschool?
My kids have switched on me once again. Caleb is now the hard one. Meghan is easier. It could change back. Caleb is really testing the limits. He is throwing, screaming (I HATE THAT!), not sharing at all, throws tantrums etc. I hope he is good at MOPS or they probably will be like GREAT she's here with her twins again (insert eye roll).
I made some YUMMY enchalidas tonight. The only thing I didn't like was how long it took. I boiled my chicken and then shredded it. That took forever it seems! It could be because I had to stop fights, in between it all. It was delish though!! I felt somewhat like a wife. LOL
Okay, its late gotta pack the diaper bags, and all that jazz.
Peace out!

I have 3 children...

I have 3 children, my third being Bart. He woke up late today, and then asked me to get up to help him. Start the coffee, etc. He sounds like a herd of elephants running around when he is late. Sigh. At least I got to take a shower before Caleb and Meghan were up. Meghan woke up with a fever. Sigh. It never ends! I am not sure if she has a sinus infection or an ear infection. We all have colds. You can just tell she feels crappy. I was going to call the dr, but decided to wait because right now she is sleeping fine.
I feel like I accomplished something today! I swept and then mopped the kitchen floor, cleaned off the kitchen table, wiped all the chairs down. Now I am taking a break.
I am trying to get the church website up and running. I hope I can, because it would be a good addition to our church. I am just waiting to hear from my pastor.
Now to decide whats for dinner?

Bart and I started dating 10 years ago today. Wow I can't believe it! It has been so long. LOL. He was 15 and I was 17, and the rest is history. We have only been married though for 3.5 years.

I am glad actually that the holidays are over, and things are getting back on schedule. I love Christmas time but this year the kids got sick, and my niece and nephews did too. Also we crammed every ones gatherings in 4 days. It was a bit much, and you don't really get to enjoy the holiday. Now we are all dealing with colds. I can deal with that any day though!!

Today we went to my dads and went sliding and made a snowman. The kids loved it, and really enjoy being outside despite the cold. I actually don't enjoy going outside, but this year I got snow pants and boots, and it hasn't been too bad actually. I think seeing the kids enjoy it so much makes it worth the hassle.

I wanted to stay home today and get some stuff done. My house is a wreck. The kids have WAY too many toys, and we have no space. Not sure where I can give toys away. They don't have any place like goodwill in VT that I know of.

My other gram (Marion) who helps me everyday doing laundry and the kids and the list goes on and on...anyways she doesn't like to drive and feels that she shouldn't. I have told her numerous times that I would love to drive her where ever she wants to go. She is so stubborn! I love to help her and it also feels like I am repaying her for EVERYTHING she does for me. I guess I will have to keep telling her. I think that is what I miss about my other gram. I used to do errands for her and help her. I felt like I had worth. When she died, I felt sort of useless.

Well it is late, but so far so good on keeping my resolution of blogging more!

A New Year!

This time last year, I was laying with my dying grandmother. I didn't even think about the new year at all then. I remember announcing to gram that it was the new year, and then 3 hours later at 3:05 she took her last breath. I can only hope that this new year starts off better. It does seem to be getting a little easier, or you just learn to deal I guess. Now I drive past her house all dark, empty and cold, with a big for sale sign on the front yard. No more warm family gatherings, or the smell of wood smoke. Until some other family moves in and fills it with love again. I go through spurts, where I am really down and sad. Amazingly enough I am doing okay tonight. I did cry earlier thinking about her and this time last year. But you know she was in so much pain, I really am comforted to know that she is in Heaven and not in pain. I know its on most of my family's minds, and I think most of my family is keeping busy trying to think about what day it is.

Gram was like the foundation of our family. When she died, it seemed like we all crumbled a little and family was growing apart. She was like the glue, and is missed SO much. I think tonight I will toast to gram!

I usually make resolutions, but hardly ever keep them. Here are a few I have thought of.

1) Lose weight (original I know)

2) Clean my house and get rid of junk

3) Go to Church more & pray

4) Play with my kids more

5) Blog more

I could go on and on, but I want to try and keep these :)

Happy New Year!

Long time no post. Not much is going on with me, just the same old shit. I have been dealing with sick kids this week, ugh. I have never ever heard so much whining. Bart and I seriously were going to go crazy. Meghan is on antibiotics for a sinus infection and seems to be doing better. Caleb just had a virus so the Dr. said. But he is coughing still and whiney which is really unusual for him. Needless to say our Thanksgiving was not that great.
Today I had to go to church to do nursery. We haven't been to church in 4-5 weeks because it was beginning to become stressful. Church shouldn't be stressful. We hope that we can continue going when the kids are older. I miss it. After church we put up our Christmas decorations outside. I also put up a cross that my grandfather made that has blue lights on the side of our house. It looks good.
I have been down in the dumps lately, and I know it has to do with this time of year, my kids being such a handful, and gram's passing. I really am trying to pull myself out of this slump so that I don't have to go on meds. I think I am doing better now, I finally told Bart everything that was on my mind, crying and all. It felt good to finally let it all out. It's hard because I don't really have a lot of adult time or friends that actually keep in touch. Anyways here's to looking up!
I have a lot of my Christmas shopping done which is actually a miracle in itself. I still have some to do. Can I just say that I LOVE online shopping!
Supposedly we are supposed to be building a room downstairs. My FIL says he will help etc. We'll see. At least we would have a little more space in this little house.

Happy Halloween!

Create Your Own!

Same old, same old

Well, well I haven't written in a long time. Mostly when I feel like writing it is about my gram and how much I miss her and all that stuff. Sigh, it seems to get old I am sure to everyone else. It seems so prominent in my thoughts now because this was around the time of year that my grandmother found out, that she had terminal cancer (actually it was November 13, 2005).

My sister had a great dream about my gram and grandfather. She dreamt that she saw my gram and she hugged us and said "I just want you to know that I love you so very much" Then my sister Nikki talked to my grandfather and asked him what heaven was like. He told her that it was better than life itself. He also said that you know when you get a new car, and it has fresh new paint, it's like that. I have to admit, I was jealous that Nikki got the dream and not me. I have dreamt about my gram, but nothing like that.

Usually on the weekends we make the trip to see the in-laws. We don't mind, and the kids like to get out of the house. But they have Bart's great-grandmother lives with them. She is 98 years old. She is so crotchety! Don't get me wrong I love most elderly people. I used to work in a nursing home. But she is like nothing I have ever seen. She can hardly move lately, but somehow manages to threaten my kids. She antagonizes them, and yells. Last year she spanked Caleb. Today when we were there she picked up this metal tray that the kids just wanted to drum on and said she was going to hit them with it. I don't actually think she would but I said "no you won't grandma!"
Ugh it DRIVES me nuts because Bart, and my MIL do nothing, say nothing. UGHHHHHHHH!!!! And this is really, really awful but I think why does she get to live to be 98, and my gram had to die at 75? I know, I am awful. :(

Getting Better

Well I can say that I am feeling better than when I wrote my last post. When I wrote that entry I was really at a low, and felt like I was at the end of my rope. I think a lot had to do with the fact that Bart was gone for the whole week. It was very overwhelming. I also watched Extreme Makeover Home Edition tonight, and of course besides making me cry it made me realize that I am blessed.

Yesterday I started weight watchers again. sigh. I really hope I can lose more weight. I eventually would like to have one more child, and I want to lose weight before I try to have another baby. Plus I found out that I have an underactive thyroid, and that could have been stalling my weight loss before. Now I am on medication so hopefully that will help.
We went to go apple picking, but the pick your own was closed for the season! What the heck? Already? But since we drove all the way over there we stayed and let the kids play on all the playground stuff. I did get to buy a bag of apples, and some pumpkins. The kids didn't know any different.

Today we didn't do much. It was raining and we just hung out at the house. I went grocery shopping. Yippee! Oh but Bart did put up two shelves I have had for like 5 months. About time!!!

I know I haven't updated in forever. I have wanted to many times, but didn't because no matter how I put it, I would be a downer. So you were warned. I have been down lately. There are a lot of contributing factors.

I miss my gram terribly, I thought I was getting better but I'm not. It hurts right now like it did when I found out that she had cancer. My heart aches everyday. I feel like she is the only one who really knows me. I can't help it. I feel alone without her. I miss her so much, and she is on my mind everyday. I hate that she is not here, I am mad and angry about it. All I can replay in my mind is her being sick, I can't seem to remember when she wasn't. It's like a movie over and over in my mind. It kills me.

I am so not the mother I thought I would be. Ever since I was little I wanted to be a mom. Now I am one, and I feel like a failure. I have no patience with them lately, and I have even yelled at them this week. I mean yelled. I feel like such an asshole of a mother. I feel like I don't do enough with them, and that my gram is looking down and is so disappointed in how I treat my kids. I feel constantly judged about how I raise my children. I feel like no one wants to be around me or my kids because we are just too complicated, etc.

I really hope that I am just stressed because Bart was gone, and that I don't need to go back on Zoloft. I just feel like I can't catch a break. Sigh. Glad I updated?

In Memory Of Daniel F. McGinley

Daniel F. McGinley was a family man, and a man of the Lord. He valued his family and his deep Catholic faith. He was known as the always "working the beads" when his brother last talked to him on September 11, Daniel was saying the Rosary for the people in the other tower. That says a lot about the person he was.

He was proud of his Irish heritage, that every St. Patrick's Day he took the day off work and took his wife Peggy, and their 5 children to a parade on Fifth Avenue. He also loved to sing his favorite, "Danny Boy" his wife even bought him a karoke machine.

Daniel enjoyed playing hockey, and was quite good at it. He played twice a week. He also coached his children's soccer, hockey, and baseball teams. He was also very interested in his Irish Heritage and Catholic religion. He knew his history on both subjects very well.

After reading all about Daniel while researching for this blog what really stood out to me was what an all around great guy he was. He was a great friend, husband, and father. Not everyone is so fortunate to know someone like Daniel. It was hard for me to write this without sounding like an obitutary. I am glad that I got to do this. My thoughts and prayers are with all of Daniel's family on this day, as well as all the other 2,995 that lost their lives.

Prayers Please

Can you please pray for Joseph? He is a 3 year old boy that has had one cord blood transplant and now needs another one. He is currently on a ventilator. I know he and his family would appreciate your prayers. Thanks.

Maine

So this weekend we went to Maine. It was not bad, but the kids sleep horribly in hotels. But they loved being "free" as we let them run around with Elise, Jack, and Seth. They even met a few other friends while staying there. I was very thankful to have help, my grandmother and my great aunt watched Caleb and Meghan, so Bart and I could eat breakfast in peace. LOL My kids aren't really so great at eating out, but I will say they did pretty well in Maine.
There was a Canadian couple that had boy/girl twins that were the same age as Caleb & Meghan. They were born on the 21st of May. But they were 2 months premature. Meghan and the little boy hit it off, they even kissed once. Too cute!
It rained the whole way home, and the DVD player in my car stopped working before we even left for home. I was so fuming mad about that, because it is our lifesaver for long rides, and because I have had to return it like twice before. Good thing we got the warranty.
I am so glad to be home in my own bed though!

Missing Gram

Every year since I can remember we go to the fair with my moms side of the family. Not all of them but some of them. My gram loved to go to the fair. We went on Tuesday August 29, and it was not the same at all. This is the first year without gram there.
One of my favorite stories that my gram told me was how she used to take her 9 kids to the fair every year. They didn't have much money but she would take them, and they would go out and eat in the car with a picnic that gram had prepared. She would buy things that they never had because they were too expensive to buy all the time, like soda and cookies. So even though they didn't have a lot of money to get fair food, she still made it special for them by getting things that they rarely had. She also gave each kid a roll of dimes to use for what they wanted whether it be rides or games.
I love that story because it shows what a great mom my grandmother was. She still made it special for them even though they didn't have much money.

Random

Ok, a few random tidbits.....

I watch Young & the Restless and Guiding Light. On both shows they are having people die. I can't deal! It all brings me back to when my gram passed away. Sigh can't they go back to cheating on each other?

I need sneakers. I went to 4 stores today. Did I find shoes? No. Why? Cause I have wide feet. Apparently wider than anyone else. I tried on some cute woman sneakers, but nope NONE of them fit even the ones that said wide. So I tried mens, and I did find a couple pairs but nothing that fit great.

I did however get the Church newsletter done. Finally. I had to take it to Staples because the church copier is on the skits. I had to make 90 copies. It cost me 40.00!! But it works out because we haven't been to church in a while to give any money. Bart and I have a goal to start to go to church every Sunday like we used to. The kids need to get used to it, and I think the more we go, the more they will get used to it. That is the hope anyway.

Pictures from The Wiggles!!

Picture 1: Giving the Wiggly dancer the bone we brought for Wags the dog!
Picture 2: Watching the show.
Picture 3: Fruit salad, yummy, yummy!!
Picture 4: Watching the show, Meghan is holding a rose to give to Dorothy the dinosaur!
Picture 5: Toot, toot, chugga, chugga, big red car....
Picture 6: Henry the Octopus, Captain Feathersword, Dorothy the dinosaur, and Wags the dog!!
Picture 7: Giving the Wiggly dancer roses for Dorothy the dinosaur!

I want to snap on my freakin internet. I had to call them this morning because last night I was off and on, off and on. SO irritating. Then this morning it was out. FUN FUN! At least I talked with a woman and she had kids so she wasn't annoyed with Caleb playing the trumpet. *sigh*

I took Caleb to the Dr yesterday. He is now on oral antibotics for staph and I have to alternate between Hydrocortizone cream with desitin and Lotrimin and desitin. He HATES medicine. I have been trying to sneak it in his bottle (yes you heard right *gasp*), he doesn't like it very well...I also talked to my Ped. about Meghan and her constipation he gave her a stool softener which is tasteless and I can put it in juice or her bottle, now why can't they make Calebs medicine like that? He said it was a stool softener but on the bottle it says prescription laxative. I think I might call tomorrow. I don't want her to be dependent on it to go, plus I hate putting it in her little body. I just want to make sure I am doing the right thing. I do trust my Ped, but I just worry like that.

Bart finally took the van in to get looked at because the stupid ABS light comes on randomly. But it was nothing! Thank God, we just shelled out 500.00 for Barts car. It never ends. We are going to see the Wiggles on Friday!! WHOO HOOO!! Rock on! LOL I am looking forward to it because I know my kids will love it and be so excited. I am however not looking forward to sleeping in a hotel cause the kids will do horrible. Oh and driving for like 4-5 hours. Yeah not looking forward to that.

Tomorrow night my gram and I are going to Ladies Night Out with women from our church. I am looking forward to that, because I have adult conversation, & I get to hang with my gram. Today she watched them for what I thought would be like 20 minutes. I had to go talk to the pastor about the newsletter. I was gone for like an hour and a half and my 84 year old gram watched Caleb and Meghan. She took them outside even!! I don't even do that unless we are inside the fence! SO thankful for her.

Nothing New

Not much new on the home front. Same old same old. I still miss my gram like crazy, something reminds me of her everyday. Still waiting for it to get easier...

Caleb has a rash on his private area, and we went to the Dr. They said it was a yeast rash and gave us nystatin. Well it still hasn't gone away so I called on Sunday. They told me to do all this other stuff. Well I have, and it is still there. So I am calling tomorrow and I want to go in. Poor little guy.

Tonight Caleb and Meghan were so cute. Earlier today I cut up an apple and had some peanut butter to dip it in. I tried to give Meg some, and she didn't want it. Well later she saw that I was eating and so she decided to try it. She did and then she said "that good" LOL She cracks me up! I made Cheeseburger Macaroni for dinner (I know, I rock right?) Meghan loves it. So I gave her a plate and she took a bite and said "mmm yummy" then took another bite and said "that good."
Caleb likes it too, he said "mmm yummy mommy"
Poor Caleb's bum was so sore and he did not want to get into the bath. So he looked at me and then said "mommy bath?" So I got in the bath with them. Poor kids, with my fat ass in there, there was no room! LOL Oh well, at least Caleb got in the bath.

My house is a wreck, nothing new there. Caleb and Meghan have been so energized lately!! They go from fighting to kissing and hugging. My gram comes home tomorrow! YAY!! We can not wait. I have been lonely and the kids ask everyday "Mi-mi go??, mi-mi go??"
Our weekend was nothing exciting really. Bart mowed the lawn, and we went to one of my friends son's birthday. The kids had a blast! On Sunday the kids took a 4 hour nap! But it is because they went to bed late the night before! I went grocery shopping and then my dad came down for dinner. The kids loved having Papa here.
We are going to meet my gram at the airport tomorrow. She doesn't know it though! Then I have to find an anniversary present for Bart. This summer is just flying by!

Please Join Me!

Please join me and sign up for blogging about a person that was a victim in the 9-11 attacks. You sign up here and you are assigned a victim and then on September 11, 2006 you write a tribute to your assigned person! I think it's a great idea! Please think about joining and honoring all the people who lost their lives.

Grateful

Now I seem to come off as ungrateful lately. That isn't the case at all. I have lots to be grateful for. I am grateful for my children, family, the list goes on and on. As you know I am grateful for my grandmothers. I have talked a lot about my gram that recently passed, Shirley but have not mentioned my other gram, Marion. She lives right next door to me. We actually bought this house from her. I don't know how I would have survived these first few years with Caleb and Meghan without her. I mean that. Since the day they were born, my grandmother has come down every weekday. She does my laundry, helps with the kids, etc. Most of all she has been my friend, and companion.
She is 84 years old and I wish I had the energy that she does. Now that the kids are getting older they love going to see "Mi-mi." She has even taken them to her house by herself a couple of times. She bought them baby ducks and has raised them so that Caleb and Meghan could see them. She has done it for all of her grandkids. I am so grateful to have her near. She is amazing. I am certainly blessed when it comes to my grandparents. I have faith because of my grandparents. They were the ones who brought me to Church and have brought me up in that faith. I am so thankful for that.
"Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

My mood lately has been not so great. Just ask anyone. There are a lot of contributing factors, mostly PMS. But I have decided that I am sick of doing stuff for people and getting nothing in return. I feel like I try too hard with people. So I am officially DONE!

Lately I just feel really alone. I can't help it. I know some of it is missing my grandmother. I can honestly say she was my best friend. Now I have hardly anyone to go to. At least that is the way I feel. My heart feels empty, and everyday something reminds me of her. I thought it was getting easier but it's not. I know and hope that in time it will get easier. Right now it's just still even hard to look at her picture.
My mom did come by today, and helped me. It made a world of difference for my mood. I think it helps to have someone to talk to, and have a little adult interaction. My mom thinks I should get a part-time job. I don't agree. I would then have to find daycare. Nope, my kids hate leaving me and I would be paying to put them in daycare, despite how much adult interaction I may crave/need.
I keep thinking Caleb and Meghan will get easier, but it doesn't seem that way. I hope its soon! They are in a way getting easier, or different I guess. But still, whew!!
Bart has Friday off, all I can say is TGIF!!!! I am so glad he is home, cause I can sleep in and have help.
Thanks for reading, if you made it this far!!

I haven't felt like blogging lately. Mostly because all I feel like writing about is my gram. Tonight though I saw this website on a board that I read. So I decided to blog about it! Before I had Caleb and Meghan I was not skinny by any means but I was comfortable with my weight. I gained about 50-55lbs with Caleb and Meghan. For some reason I thought my body would recover and I would be back where I was before, like my sister. Nope. I got within 10lbs of where I was before I had the twins, but I was nursing and depressed. I went on Zoloft, stopped nursing and gained back like 25lbs.
I am still having a hard time losing weight. I am on weight watchers, have been since October. I have lost 20lbs and am trying just to stay there during these rough summer times!! Even when and if I lose the weight it won't be the same. My stomach is disfigured and I will always have a "belly." I don't mind that much I just really want to lose AT LEAST another 30lbs. Caleb and Meghan were well worth it!
Here is a website that makes you feel better about it. I will warn there are some nude pics of women showing their belly's. http://shapeofamother.blogspot.com/

Heidi--I posted now lets see some pics!!!!!!!!!

Happy 4th of July! Today we went to the parade like I always have since I can remember. This time was different though. It was the first fourth without my grandmother. She crossed my mind a couple of times today. It made me miss her and my heart aches. I know eventually and hope that it will get easier with time. I have a hard time dealing with change. It's weird not having her house to go to, and most importantly not having my gram to go to.

Bart is on vacation. I am happy about that. It means I get a little break. For some reason today was a hard day for me. I thought about gram a lot. Plus the kids were really "trying" today. It doesn't help that our weather is pretty much raining 24/7. Our house is small, and after a couple days of rain, it gets old.
Bart's grandfather is in the hospital. He has triple bypass surgery, and now I guess his organs are shutting down. Bart isn't all that close to his grandfather, but I told him he should go to see him, and be there for his mom. His family deals with stuff differently.
I don't have much to say, hope everyone has a great 4th of July.

Goodbye Bad week!!!

What a week! To say the least. Bart was gone for 2 days, and my mom helped some of the time. The kids have been really "trying" lately. They fight, and throw things and have such attitude. I know that a lot has to do with their age. But man, oh, man!!
Today I went to vacuum my car, and then washed it. Then I decided to stop by my Aunt's house. I was excited that my cousins were there. It is weird not seeing them like we used to occasionally at Grams. I hope my aunt doesn't mind I stopped by. Then I went grocery shopping, we needed it desperately. Can I just say nothing like washing your car and then driving on a dry, dusty, dirt road. Makes the car wash almost worth it. *Sigh*

Things that have annoyed me recently.
-Hannafords out of everything! (my grocery store)
-People who call right during bath or bed time. So frustrating.
-When you let people out while driving, and they don't wave or anything.
-That I cannot find my contact solution ANYWHERE!!!

Well tomorrow is the dreaded weigh in. I know I have gained, but oh well. I have been emotional eating this week for sure. I hope to be back on track soon. Have a good weekend!

Make a wish

This past weekend I went to a Make-a-Wish celebration. I used to work with a little boy who has a brain tumor. He is raised by his grandmother now, his grandfather passed away not to long ago. They were supposed to go to Disney for his Make-a-Wish, wish. But after his grandfather died they decided they couldn't. So instead they re-did "P's" bedroom. They had a day to reveal it to him and it was an open house. It was going to be a surprise for "P". I was thankful that an old co-worker of mine emailed me about it. I was excited to go because I wanted to see "P" and see if he remembered me.
I went and he did remember me! I was happy about that. I could not believe how far he has come since the last time I saw him. He can read quite well and is talking so much more! I am so proud of him. It made me miss working. Don't get me wrong I love staying at home, but I felt I made a difference ya know?
Anyways the re-did his bedroom. It looked great. They painted it a light blue, he has a new TV, bed, dresser, chair etc. He was really excited about it. I was so happy for him. I also asked him if I could take a picture. We did. It is a really good one too. But I don't think that I should show it unless I have permission.
Make-A-Wish is a great organization. If you are ever thinking of donating please consider them. What a great thing for families and especially the children!

Rest in peace, Gram.

Well we had the burial Friday. It was raining. Overall it was a nice service. I really enjoyed the scriptures that were read. It gave me hope and healing in a way. There were two songs sang, and the guy was really good. You could feel the tension there, which is really sad. I do hope that people can move on, forget and forgive. That is what Gram would want. She deserves to rest in peace.
I miss her so much. It's hard to put into words what she means to me. I do feel some sense of closure now. I just have to keep reminding myself, that she is no longer in pain.

"Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever." Psalm 23:6

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
1 Corinthians 13:13

Dreading it

Gram's burial is Friday. I do dread it. I don't really want to re-live it again. I already do that. But I guess she will finally be put to rest. Now I get to hang with the family that has 2 faces. Peachy.
This past Sunday was the dedication of the funds that were given in memory of my Gram. She would be happy. She wanted her money to go to kids that wanted to go to camp through the church.
I am not even PMS-ing and I am in a foul mood lately. Can't help it. Maybe it's the up coming events. On Saturday I am going to a celebration of a room makeover by Make-a-wish for a little boy that I used to work with. Hopefully he will remember me. I was invited to a picnic on Saturday also from people I used to work with. Haven't decided on that yet. They want me to bring the kids....yeah um they don't know my kids.

Missing Gram....

For some reason Sundays and sunny days make me think of my gram. I just really still can't believe that she is gone. It doesn't seem real to me. I miss her so much, and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. Numerous times I have caught myself saying "well, I'll call gram...." etc.
Sundays remind me of gram because we used to go to church together and then we would go to her house and visit. When I think of sunny days I think of getting ready to play softball and stopping at her house to eat and get ready. I can see it perfectly in my mind. I walk in her kitchen and she is at the stove making dinner. The sunlight is coming in the window streaming across the table and floor. I wish I could go back to that time. I wish I could and take it all in. I would appreciate and listen more. I value those times with my gram when we did nothing. Dinner, coffee, riding to the softball games together, stopping at Dunkin Donuts with her, etc. I really really can't believe that she is gone. I have such a void in my heart. When she died, I seemed ok. I didn't cry much and kept telling myself that she is no longer in pain. But that only lasts so long. It has gotten so much harder for me as time has been moving along. I haven't felt pain like this in a long time. I feel like I didn't tell her everything I wanted to. I just miss her. Nothing is the same without her.

My day so far...

Last night Meghan had a hard night. She slept great from like 8:30-2am Then she was up and she was so restless. Bart finally got her back to sleep.
Caleb and Meghan got up this morning, and so far they have taken about half of the diapers out of the bins on their changing table and spread them all on the floor, taken my wooden calendar and knocked it down with all the little wood pieces all falling out, Caleb opened the dishwasher and then also hit cancel during a cycle so I had to do them twice, and at lunch Meghan thinks its a great idea to dump her lunch plate upside down. I can't help but look forward to nap time. Even then you are never guaranteed that they will sleep.
Calgone, take me away!

It sucks!

So my gram's house is for sale. Which means that there is a big fat realtor sign on her front lawn. I am glad that I knew about it before I drove by there. I really still can not fathom the fact that she is gone, and that her house will no longer be a place to go.
It sucks, it sucks, it sucks. I try to avoid driving by there when I can. But this is reality right? Her burial is June 9th.

Happy Birthday to Caleb & Meghan

At 2:44 am Caleb Stephen was born weighing in at 8lbs 1oz and 19 inches long. One minute later at 2:45 am Meghan Shirley was born weighing in at 6lbs 6oz and 19 inches long. Today they are 2 years old! I can't believe it.

Time seems to have gone so fast, yet at times seems so slow. It has gotten easier and I love being a mother more and more each day. Happy 2nd Birthday to my babies!! Wahhhh!

Two years ago today I was being induced. I went in at 8 am, but didn't really start being induced until about 10 am. Then I pretty much waited. When the contractions started getting worse I asked for an epidural. They came in pretty quick and my Dr was glad I was having one in case I needed an emergency c-section. Bart and my sister Nikki were there. We just waited and waited. They finally broke my water, which is the weirdest feeling! Soon it was late night and I hadn't moved past 6cm so they my Dr said that if I was the same in an hour that I would have a c-section.
To finish tomorrow on Caleb and Meghan's Birthday!

Ponderings

Do the celebrities that endorse the hair dyes, etc actually use them? I highly doubt it. I go to a salon for my hair. I don't want to screw it up with something OTC. So I highly doubt that Teri Hatcher touches up her hair with Loreal' or whatever.

Does Katie Holmes not talk now...? It seems that Tom Cruise does all the talking and everything else for that matter. Get out Katie!!! GO GO Hurry!!

Rants

A few things that are bugging me.

1) When you are in a store like Costco or the grocery store, walk around the store like you would drive. When going down an aisle go on the side you would drive on! Irritating!

2) If you are an employee of a clothing store or restaurant for that matter, remember that this is YOUR job. So if I need help with clothes or am placing an order could you not act like I am bothering you? If you hate your job and it shows, GET ANOTHER JOB!!!!

Ok, I feel better. I had to run errands today and Bart actually took a day off and watched the kids. Of course the kids are perfect for him. He talked and talked about what a great day it was. What I wanna know is when is he going to really see what it is like for me? You know when they are fighting, or crying, or whining and hanging on my leg, or when they open the fridge 50 times. WHEN!!???
When I did talk to Bart he asks me what should I feed them for dinner. Um I don't know maybe food? Come on! He acts like he has never watched them. He knows what they like to eat. Ok, maybe I should consider going back on Zoloft! LMAO

Pics

This is Nikki, Lindsay, my mom, and Me at Lindz's graduation!

Here she is the new college grad!

Graduations

I am so glad this weekend is over. I dreaded it. It was graduation weekend for my sister and sister in law. So Saturday started out with Bart leaving to go to his sisters graduation. I got up and got the kids ready and took them to my sisters graduation party. I dreaded it because I would have no help. My mother assured me that there would be plenty of people to help me. But no like the help I need. Yes they play with Caleb or Meghan etc. But I was constantly asking "where is Caleb??" Meghan of course was attached at my hip. Anyways it wasn't overall that bad. But how is it that I always watch the kids. Why couldn't Bart had taken one and dealt? Because that is what mothers do I guess.
I did get a break Sunday. I drove to Keene, NH to see my little sis graduate. Graduations are SO BORING! I hate any graduation. But I did enjoy riding down with my mom and Nikki. I am so proud of Lindsay. She has come a long way since her (as we say) "blue sweatshirt" days. Lindsay used to be very self conscious and even a little depressed. She really has changed. A lot for the better! Now she is one hot mama! She flaunts what she's got. I really admire her. She worked hard at college and many times like myself felt like quitting. She made it! She wants to teach high school. God knows why! But she can do it. She definitely holds her own.
So after the long ass graduation Nikki and I went to Longhorn. We noticed that we were eating fast. We aren't used to eating without kids!! Then we hit Target! We don't have one in VT of course. So we were there for a while. I love Target!
Today I went grocery shopping with the kids and my gram. Otherwise I wouldn't have been able too. Gram takes one, and I take the other. They were pretty good, as long as they were eating. Kind of like me! LOL
I'll be back to post pics of my sis in her graduation get-up!

Things that are annoying me

1) On 7th Heaven they have been "plugging" items. Once it was Campbell's soup, and currently it is Oreo's. While I don't mind once and a while, this whole show was around freakin Oreo's.

2) American Idol. I personally don't think that Paula Abdul has any business telling people how to sing. Yes she wasn't bad in the 80's, but why not have someone who is a long time singer, who currently still sings etc. I don't usually watch it but I did tonight.

3) Our phone has been out again. WTF? It is our problem I guess. The wiring sucks in this crap house. So Bart tried to fix it, but he couldn't. His dad can, but isn't coming up until Friday. We do have one phone that only works because we have hooked it up outside. Talk about freakin white trash! LOL

4) I missed free cone day at Ben & Jerry's!

I orignally had more things, but as usual when it comes time to blog them I can't remember. Ugh. Yeah that annoys me, not remembering. Oh and one more thing, the political ads are so annoying!

Enough for today..oh one more...I made a myspace page, and found the perfect song for it and they freakin deleted it. I am mad!!!!!

Ok..done...I think.

What have I done?

So we took Caleb and Meghan to get their hair cut. Caleb has had his hair cut once already. This was Meghan's first cut. Anyways I had to hold Meghan because she was freaking. Bart had Caleb. I said I wanted it shorter than last time. But not like this!!! I have cried over this! There is nothing I can do now. But I miss his beautiful curls. Ugh, I am really upset that his hair is freakin BUTCHED!!!
I am really having a hard time with it. Anyways it's probably karma since I just posted about men who needed haircuts. Karma is a bitch!

Men who need a haircut

Here are some men, that I think need a haircut.
1.) Barry Watson (from Seventh Heaven, 2nd pic)
2.)Daniel Kucan (from Extreme Makeover Home Edition, 1st pic)
Their hair drives me nuts. Just had to get that out.

Thinking of Gram

This morning I had a, I guess you would call a good dream. In the last part of my dream, I saw my gram again. She looked so happy and well. In my dream we were all at her house welcoming her home, or something. In my dream I ran up and gave her a huge hug and she held on for a long time. But then sadly I wake up. So the dream was good obviously in the fact that I saw her again, but bad in the fact that it wasn't real and I had to deal with the harsh reality waking up that she really is gone.
It sucks to know that things will never be the same. I know that she is gone, but I keep having these little moments where I think, oh I'll buy that for Gram. Then I remember.
I am trying to do as my gram would have wanted. I made sure that there would be flowers on Easter Sunday at Church in remembrance of her, my grandfather, and my uncle. I also talked to our pastor about making sure there is some sort of dedication service for the funds that were given in her memory, so that kids could attend Church camp. I do find that if I do this I am making her happy and honoring her.

The day from....

Today was umm, terrible. My friend wanted to go to a place called Zachary's. It is sort of like Chuckie Cheese from what I have heard, although not as big etc. I have tried explaining to everyone that I can not go by myself. They think I am over exaggerating. Hello?! I have 2 kids under 2. They do not listen. They do take off. No one understands, unless I guess you have 2 under 2 or what not. Still. It is not fun for me to chase Caleb and Meghan all over this place and worry about them. While we were there Caleb pooped 3 times. So I have to leave Meggy with my friend while I go to change him.
Caleb ran off 4-5 times into the other restaurant. He tried climbing up the skee-ball ramp 4 times. Meghan went up in the tubes only to discover that she can't get down. So I had to drag my fat ass up there and get her twice, while she is screaming mind you. Doesn't this sound like tons of fun?
I am not sure if my kids are terrors, or regular almost 2 year olds. My family seems to make me think that I have hellions for kids. I think they are pretty normal, sure they are hard to watch. But I think it is because there are 2 at the same age. Meanwhile I get the same old sayings from everyone. "I can't even imagine having 2" " I could never do it" "God picked you for a reason, and not me!" (while they laugh)
Am I crazy for wanting one more? Yes. But that won't be until they are like 4 years old...hopefully.
It is starting to get warm in good ol VT! It is going to be a high of 60 tomorrow! Scorcher. My kids ask me everyday "Outside?" I have to say, "No not today..." Because I can not take them outside by myself. Our property is surrounded by the road, a river, and a brook. We are planning on putting up a fence. Actually we have it all here, the posts and panels of fencing. Just waiting, and waiting for it to be put up. Of course the people that have to put it up, don't have to say no to those sweet little faces!!!
Oh and one more VENT...I am driving to go to Zachary's and want to plug in my cell because it is of course, dying and I can not find the charger anywhere. Why? Oh yes, because Bart took it. GRRRRR!!!!!!! I know you might be wondering why don't you get 2. OH WE DO! But his car is being fixed and he forgot to get it out. MEN!! Oh and while I am on it, my car has to be serviced as well. But we have to make sure his is done first. I mean all I use my car is you know, to just cart the kids around!

Being sick sucks

Ugh! I went to the Dr. yesterday because I really thought that I had an ear infection. I held off 3 days because sometimes it just goes away, and with 2 kids and no babysitters it's hard to make an appointment. But I was in pain, so I made an appointment. I went in, and he checked my ears, throat, etc. Did a strep test. Waited for the 5 minute results. Negative. Good. My ears do have fluid, but it's not infected. So that was it, I pretty much have to suck it up and deal. I am feeling a little better today.
I am going with my friend Nicole tomorrow for a day of shopping and actually getting to enjoy lunch. My sister without me asking mind you, took the day off and said she would watch the kids for my birthday and I could make plans. I thought at first Bart, but he can't take the day off. He is a he puts is "slamming" right now. I am looking forward to it. I guess I will just have to pop the advil.

Weekend Recap

So this weekend was ok. Turns out that Meghan has an ear infection. She had a fever for 3 days and I was starting to get worried. I called and they said if she still had a fever on Saturday to bring her in. So we brought her in to the Dr's and sure enough she had an ear infection. Poor little gal! After we went to the inlaws, and hung out. They insisted that Bart and I go to dinner and shopping if we wanted. So we ate at Longhorn and went to Toys R Us and The Children's place. We bought stuff for the kids, because we can't resist. Then we stopped at Starbucks for a Cafe' Latte. YUM! Saturday night was horrible. First there was the time change and then Meg was up most of the night.
Sunday I slept in and Bart got up with the kids. We missed Church, but I did get the Church Newsletter done. Caleb & Meghan took a long nap and I went grocery shopping. My mom and aunt stopped by and I made dinner. My aunt went with her S/O to dinner and my mom stayed and ate with us. Hopefully we can get over this sickness. Although I have a little sore throat now. Ugh

Tonight I was looking through the recipe box of my grams. I was sorting through tons of newspaper & magazine clips. Deciding which ones I wanted to keep, etc. I come across this piece of paper in my grams writing. This is what it says:
Dear God-
Thank you so much for all my happiness and please help me to remember when things aren't so happy, how lucky I've been.

Wow! That is definitely a keeper, and a great reminder!

Please visit this site!

This little boy could use your support! If you can please donate money! If not please keep him in your prayers! Thanks!

http://thomasbickle.blogspot.com/

"Family"

Well, wouldn't my grandmother be DISAPPOINTED. A once together family is being torn apart, by MATERIAL items. Well Gram is gone now, so everyone better get all they want that is worth any money and run. Who cares about relationships? I mean really. As long as we have that antique etc, that will keep us warm at night. My grandmother raised 9 children, with hardly anything. They all grew up with nothing and now some of them want everything. Isn't that ironic? I guess I was wrong, I really thought or didn't want to believe that my family would be like this. All that matters in life is your family, friends....relationships. I just really can't grasp it. How people who grew up with each other, suddenly don't care if they ever talk again. This is not what my grandmother wanted. It was certainly not what she was about. It's really funny, that when my gram was living some of them didn't visit or help her. But now they want all her stuff. All I want is my gram. Anything I wanted from her house was stuff that reminds me of her, stuff with no value. Except that it has value to me. Recipes that my gram wrote...no one wants those. I was so excited to get them. I still have her writing! I guess they need to take a long hard look at their life. If having money and material items is what matters most to you, then you have really got to RETHINK something. I personally have no regrets. I spent and helped my grandmother, and that is what matters. What they did while she was alive is what matters. Last time I checked, when you die you can't take anything with you. Materialism:a desire for wealth and material possessions with little interest in ethical or spiritual matters. Yup, that sums it up. In case you couldn't pick up on it. I am angry. This however does not apply to all of my family. I would hope they would know who they are. I am just so sick of it. This is not what my grandmother raised them to be. I believe that she is watching all of it. That saddens me.

The Longest week ever...

Bart, Caleb and Meghan have all thrown up this week. I have major anxiety about getting sick. I haven't gotten it yet, I am just waiting. I have hardly eaten at all this week. For some reason I am really afraid of throwing up. I would think I would be in the clear by now, but I am not so sure. This has been the longest week ever. Meggy still does not feel well, so she usually lays on me most of the day. Which wouldn't be bad if it was just her. But Caleb is back to his old self, so he wants me to play. This part is so hard with twins.
At this point I almost wish I would just get it, and get it over with. Ugh!

It seems that this month is harder for me than the last month. I miss my gram so much. I remind myself of what it was like for her, she was in pain and I know that she is in a better place now. While that brings me some comfort, I still have an ache in my heart from the void. She is always on my mind.
My aunt called and told me I could come over there and get some stuff. She asked what I had given Gram, so she could give it back to me. Thing is I don't care. Nothing matters now, I don't want any material thing. I just want my Gram. I picked up a penny off the ground yesterday. It reminded me of her. She always used to say that about pennies on the ground--that they were "pennies from heaven."
I catch myself thinking and almost saying "I'll ask Gram what she thinks..." then I remember that she is not here. I just wish I could have one more day with her.

I forgot to add that the little boy who needs bone marrow has gotten a match from someone's cord blood. That is a miracle. I am so happy that they found a match. I just wanted to update on that post.

I have thought about changing my blog name as, I had mentioned but I would assume that people could still find me. Not that I care so much, but I would feel better about it not having my name. Not sure yet.

I had to take Caleb to the doctor yesterday. He has a horrible cough. The Dr. said he was wheezing, so he gave me a prescription for the Albuterol Inhaler. He hates it. You have to keep the mask on him for 6 breaths. Umm on a 21 month old? YEAH RIGHT!

Insert foot in mouth

I just lost my whole post. UGH!
I was reading BBC tonight as usual, and there is a thread about a 60 year old woman giving birth. It has been all over the news. I judged before I even read the article. I learned a lesson tonight. I hate when I am so judgmental. I try to be aware of it, then it slips by and I feel like crap. I do indeed hope this woman lives a long life. The child is blessed. Like one poster said, "any baby is a gift" and I agree.
Today is my grams birthday. She would have been 76. I miss her so much. At times I feel as though I can still go to her house and see her, and she will be sitting in her chair watching the soaps. Man, I really do miss her.
I am thinking of changing my blog name. I wanted to warn some of you, if there are any who actually still read it. Maybe not, if people want to find me they will.
Hi Shawn! Try email!

Save a life!

This weekend I went to a bone marrow drive for a little 2 year old boy named Joseph. His hope for survival is a bone marrow transplant. The way the community came together was amazing. As of yesterday 1,008 people were tested for their bone marrow to see if they were a match. The bake sale raised over 3,000 dollars. There were numerous volunteers, including children. I had like permanent goose bumps. It was overwhelming, so much so that I felt like I was on the verge of tears the entire time I was there. To see all the people, volunteers, children, and the donations.
Someone said to me you know that if you do that then you will be listed on the bone marrow registry, and that means that anyone could contact you for bone marrow. I said yeah I know that. But that means I have the opportunity to save someone's life. Isn't that amazing?
I heard about a woman who gave her bone marrow and saved a nine year old boy. Every year he sends her a mothers day card, and they get together for vacations. The boy is now fifteen.
I read another story in Readers Digest about a woman who needed a bone marrow transplant to live. There was one match. He decided to give her his bone marrow. After a year the patient can contact them. The woman wrote a thank you card to the man, and eventually they met. They fell in love and got married. Now tell me that, isn't the work of God! One match!!
Anyways I encourage you to get tested and go on the registry for bone marrow. You could help save a life. If you can't or don't want to please donate. A test costs 70.00.
To learn more about Joseph go to www.carepages.com and then "josephkrupski"

My grandmother died.

It's all over, the pain and suffering. My sweet gram passed away at 3:05 on January 1st. I guess she waited for the new year. She hadn't really been awake since about Friday December 30. That Thursday night was the last time I really talked to her. I told her that I was going home and the I would be back tomorrow. She told me that she loved me so much. These past few days have been some of the hardest. I knew it was coming, I watched as Cancer took over her body. Yet, I am still in shock. I can't believe that she is truly gone. What am I going to do without her?
The home health nurse told us that she thought it would be in the early morning hours and she was right. I laid on the bed with her. I rubbed her arm and chest and told her to relax, because she has a rattling sound when she was breathing. I know that she could hear me because she would relax her breathing. I told her it was time to rest. I never left her side, and for some reason I had strength. I watched her take her last breath. She was surrounded by family. I am glad that she doesn't have to suffer anymore. She is finally at peace. I have comfort knowing that she is with my grandfather, uncle, and aunt. She can finally meet her dad, and of course Jesus. But it's hard to imagine what it will be like without her. I called her everyday. We talked about all sorts of stuff, and she was the first person I would call when I had a question about Caleb or Meghan, or how to cook something. She just knew the answers.
I went to her house yesterday. It was so hard to be there. I cried when I went into the living room because it smelled like her. I don't want to be there. They gave me her stocking, that I gave her. What am I going to do with that? It was hers. Tomorrow is the wake or viewing. I made a huge collage of pictures I had of her and a poem. The funeral is Thursday. But we can't bury her cause the ground is frozen. That sucks.
Thank you to all who have written emails, or ecards. I appreciate them. Please know that if I don't answer it isn't personal, I just can't right now. In case you are interested her is her obituary.
Here is a link.
http://hayes.lifefiles.com/registryMain.php?PHPSESSID=b0b7cccae068ef59b5731691b4534a30&i_memorialid=1136219558
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" Matthew 11:28