My house is a wreck, nothing new there. Caleb and Meghan have been so energized lately!! They go from fighting to kissing and hugging. My gram comes home tomorrow! YAY!! We can not wait. I have been lonely and the kids ask everyday "Mi-mi go??, mi-mi go??"
Our weekend was nothing exciting really. Bart mowed the lawn, and we went to one of my friends son's birthday. The kids had a blast! On Sunday the kids took a 4 hour nap! But it is because they went to bed late the night before! I went grocery shopping and then my dad came down for dinner. The kids loved having Papa here.
We are going to meet my gram at the airport tomorrow. She doesn't know it though! Then I have to find an anniversary present for Bart. This summer is just flying by!

Please Join Me!

Please join me and sign up for blogging about a person that was a victim in the 9-11 attacks. You sign up here and you are assigned a victim and then on September 11, 2006 you write a tribute to your assigned person! I think it's a great idea! Please think about joining and honoring all the people who lost their lives.

Grateful

Now I seem to come off as ungrateful lately. That isn't the case at all. I have lots to be grateful for. I am grateful for my children, family, the list goes on and on. As you know I am grateful for my grandmothers. I have talked a lot about my gram that recently passed, Shirley but have not mentioned my other gram, Marion. She lives right next door to me. We actually bought this house from her. I don't know how I would have survived these first few years with Caleb and Meghan without her. I mean that. Since the day they were born, my grandmother has come down every weekday. She does my laundry, helps with the kids, etc. Most of all she has been my friend, and companion.
She is 84 years old and I wish I had the energy that she does. Now that the kids are getting older they love going to see "Mi-mi." She has even taken them to her house by herself a couple of times. She bought them baby ducks and has raised them so that Caleb and Meghan could see them. She has done it for all of her grandkids. I am so grateful to have her near. She is amazing. I am certainly blessed when it comes to my grandparents. I have faith because of my grandparents. They were the ones who brought me to Church and have brought me up in that faith. I am so thankful for that.
"Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

My mood lately has been not so great. Just ask anyone. There are a lot of contributing factors, mostly PMS. But I have decided that I am sick of doing stuff for people and getting nothing in return. I feel like I try too hard with people. So I am officially DONE!

Lately I just feel really alone. I can't help it. I know some of it is missing my grandmother. I can honestly say she was my best friend. Now I have hardly anyone to go to. At least that is the way I feel. My heart feels empty, and everyday something reminds me of her. I thought it was getting easier but it's not. I know and hope that in time it will get easier. Right now it's just still even hard to look at her picture.
My mom did come by today, and helped me. It made a world of difference for my mood. I think it helps to have someone to talk to, and have a little adult interaction. My mom thinks I should get a part-time job. I don't agree. I would then have to find daycare. Nope, my kids hate leaving me and I would be paying to put them in daycare, despite how much adult interaction I may crave/need.
I keep thinking Caleb and Meghan will get easier, but it doesn't seem that way. I hope its soon! They are in a way getting easier, or different I guess. But still, whew!!
Bart has Friday off, all I can say is TGIF!!!! I am so glad he is home, cause I can sleep in and have help.
Thanks for reading, if you made it this far!!

I haven't felt like blogging lately. Mostly because all I feel like writing about is my gram. Tonight though I saw this website on a board that I read. So I decided to blog about it! Before I had Caleb and Meghan I was not skinny by any means but I was comfortable with my weight. I gained about 50-55lbs with Caleb and Meghan. For some reason I thought my body would recover and I would be back where I was before, like my sister. Nope. I got within 10lbs of where I was before I had the twins, but I was nursing and depressed. I went on Zoloft, stopped nursing and gained back like 25lbs.
I am still having a hard time losing weight. I am on weight watchers, have been since October. I have lost 20lbs and am trying just to stay there during these rough summer times!! Even when and if I lose the weight it won't be the same. My stomach is disfigured and I will always have a "belly." I don't mind that much I just really want to lose AT LEAST another 30lbs. Caleb and Meghan were well worth it!
Here is a website that makes you feel better about it. I will warn there are some nude pics of women showing their belly's. http://shapeofamother.blogspot.com/

Heidi--I posted now lets see some pics!!!!!!!!!

Happy 4th of July! Today we went to the parade like I always have since I can remember. This time was different though. It was the first fourth without my grandmother. She crossed my mind a couple of times today. It made me miss her and my heart aches. I know eventually and hope that it will get easier with time. I have a hard time dealing with change. It's weird not having her house to go to, and most importantly not having my gram to go to.

Bart is on vacation. I am happy about that. It means I get a little break. For some reason today was a hard day for me. I thought about gram a lot. Plus the kids were really "trying" today. It doesn't help that our weather is pretty much raining 24/7. Our house is small, and after a couple days of rain, it gets old.
Bart's grandfather is in the hospital. He has triple bypass surgery, and now I guess his organs are shutting down. Bart isn't all that close to his grandfather, but I told him he should go to see him, and be there for his mom. His family deals with stuff differently.
I don't have much to say, hope everyone has a great 4th of July.

Goodbye Bad week!!!

What a week! To say the least. Bart was gone for 2 days, and my mom helped some of the time. The kids have been really "trying" lately. They fight, and throw things and have such attitude. I know that a lot has to do with their age. But man, oh, man!!
Today I went to vacuum my car, and then washed it. Then I decided to stop by my Aunt's house. I was excited that my cousins were there. It is weird not seeing them like we used to occasionally at Grams. I hope my aunt doesn't mind I stopped by. Then I went grocery shopping, we needed it desperately. Can I just say nothing like washing your car and then driving on a dry, dusty, dirt road. Makes the car wash almost worth it. *Sigh*

Things that have annoyed me recently.
-Hannafords out of everything! (my grocery store)
-People who call right during bath or bed time. So frustrating.
-When you let people out while driving, and they don't wave or anything.
-That I cannot find my contact solution ANYWHERE!!!

Well tomorrow is the dreaded weigh in. I know I have gained, but oh well. I have been emotional eating this week for sure. I hope to be back on track soon. Have a good weekend!

Make a wish

This past weekend I went to a Make-a-Wish celebration. I used to work with a little boy who has a brain tumor. He is raised by his grandmother now, his grandfather passed away not to long ago. They were supposed to go to Disney for his Make-a-Wish, wish. But after his grandfather died they decided they couldn't. So instead they re-did "P's" bedroom. They had a day to reveal it to him and it was an open house. It was going to be a surprise for "P". I was thankful that an old co-worker of mine emailed me about it. I was excited to go because I wanted to see "P" and see if he remembered me.
I went and he did remember me! I was happy about that. I could not believe how far he has come since the last time I saw him. He can read quite well and is talking so much more! I am so proud of him. It made me miss working. Don't get me wrong I love staying at home, but I felt I made a difference ya know?
Anyways the re-did his bedroom. It looked great. They painted it a light blue, he has a new TV, bed, dresser, chair etc. He was really excited about it. I was so happy for him. I also asked him if I could take a picture. We did. It is a really good one too. But I don't think that I should show it unless I have permission.
Make-A-Wish is a great organization. If you are ever thinking of donating please consider them. What a great thing for families and especially the children!

Rest in peace, Gram.

Well we had the burial Friday. It was raining. Overall it was a nice service. I really enjoyed the scriptures that were read. It gave me hope and healing in a way. There were two songs sang, and the guy was really good. You could feel the tension there, which is really sad. I do hope that people can move on, forget and forgive. That is what Gram would want. She deserves to rest in peace.
I miss her so much. It's hard to put into words what she means to me. I do feel some sense of closure now. I just have to keep reminding myself, that she is no longer in pain.

"Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever." Psalm 23:6

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
1 Corinthians 13:13

Dreading it

Gram's burial is Friday. I do dread it. I don't really want to re-live it again. I already do that. But I guess she will finally be put to rest. Now I get to hang with the family that has 2 faces. Peachy.
This past Sunday was the dedication of the funds that were given in memory of my Gram. She would be happy. She wanted her money to go to kids that wanted to go to camp through the church.
I am not even PMS-ing and I am in a foul mood lately. Can't help it. Maybe it's the up coming events. On Saturday I am going to a celebration of a room makeover by Make-a-wish for a little boy that I used to work with. Hopefully he will remember me. I was invited to a picnic on Saturday also from people I used to work with. Haven't decided on that yet. They want me to bring the kids....yeah um they don't know my kids.

Missing Gram....

For some reason Sundays and sunny days make me think of my gram. I just really still can't believe that she is gone. It doesn't seem real to me. I miss her so much, and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. Numerous times I have caught myself saying "well, I'll call gram...." etc.
Sundays remind me of gram because we used to go to church together and then we would go to her house and visit. When I think of sunny days I think of getting ready to play softball and stopping at her house to eat and get ready. I can see it perfectly in my mind. I walk in her kitchen and she is at the stove making dinner. The sunlight is coming in the window streaming across the table and floor. I wish I could go back to that time. I wish I could and take it all in. I would appreciate and listen more. I value those times with my gram when we did nothing. Dinner, coffee, riding to the softball games together, stopping at Dunkin Donuts with her, etc. I really really can't believe that she is gone. I have such a void in my heart. When she died, I seemed ok. I didn't cry much and kept telling myself that she is no longer in pain. But that only lasts so long. It has gotten so much harder for me as time has been moving along. I haven't felt pain like this in a long time. I feel like I didn't tell her everything I wanted to. I just miss her. Nothing is the same without her.

My day so far...

Last night Meghan had a hard night. She slept great from like 8:30-2am Then she was up and she was so restless. Bart finally got her back to sleep.
Caleb and Meghan got up this morning, and so far they have taken about half of the diapers out of the bins on their changing table and spread them all on the floor, taken my wooden calendar and knocked it down with all the little wood pieces all falling out, Caleb opened the dishwasher and then also hit cancel during a cycle so I had to do them twice, and at lunch Meghan thinks its a great idea to dump her lunch plate upside down. I can't help but look forward to nap time. Even then you are never guaranteed that they will sleep.
Calgone, take me away!

It sucks!

So my gram's house is for sale. Which means that there is a big fat realtor sign on her front lawn. I am glad that I knew about it before I drove by there. I really still can not fathom the fact that she is gone, and that her house will no longer be a place to go.
It sucks, it sucks, it sucks. I try to avoid driving by there when I can. But this is reality right? Her burial is June 9th.

Happy Birthday to Caleb & Meghan

At 2:44 am Caleb Stephen was born weighing in at 8lbs 1oz and 19 inches long. One minute later at 2:45 am Meghan Shirley was born weighing in at 6lbs 6oz and 19 inches long. Today they are 2 years old! I can't believe it.

Time seems to have gone so fast, yet at times seems so slow. It has gotten easier and I love being a mother more and more each day. Happy 2nd Birthday to my babies!! Wahhhh!

Two years ago today I was being induced. I went in at 8 am, but didn't really start being induced until about 10 am. Then I pretty much waited. When the contractions started getting worse I asked for an epidural. They came in pretty quick and my Dr was glad I was having one in case I needed an emergency c-section. Bart and my sister Nikki were there. We just waited and waited. They finally broke my water, which is the weirdest feeling! Soon it was late night and I hadn't moved past 6cm so they my Dr said that if I was the same in an hour that I would have a c-section.
To finish tomorrow on Caleb and Meghan's Birthday!

Ponderings

Do the celebrities that endorse the hair dyes, etc actually use them? I highly doubt it. I go to a salon for my hair. I don't want to screw it up with something OTC. So I highly doubt that Teri Hatcher touches up her hair with Loreal' or whatever.

Does Katie Holmes not talk now...? It seems that Tom Cruise does all the talking and everything else for that matter. Get out Katie!!! GO GO Hurry!!

Rants

A few things that are bugging me.

1) When you are in a store like Costco or the grocery store, walk around the store like you would drive. When going down an aisle go on the side you would drive on! Irritating!

2) If you are an employee of a clothing store or restaurant for that matter, remember that this is YOUR job. So if I need help with clothes or am placing an order could you not act like I am bothering you? If you hate your job and it shows, GET ANOTHER JOB!!!!

Ok, I feel better. I had to run errands today and Bart actually took a day off and watched the kids. Of course the kids are perfect for him. He talked and talked about what a great day it was. What I wanna know is when is he going to really see what it is like for me? You know when they are fighting, or crying, or whining and hanging on my leg, or when they open the fridge 50 times. WHEN!!???
When I did talk to Bart he asks me what should I feed them for dinner. Um I don't know maybe food? Come on! He acts like he has never watched them. He knows what they like to eat. Ok, maybe I should consider going back on Zoloft! LMAO

Pics

This is Nikki, Lindsay, my mom, and Me at Lindz's graduation!

Here she is the new college grad!

Graduations

I am so glad this weekend is over. I dreaded it. It was graduation weekend for my sister and sister in law. So Saturday started out with Bart leaving to go to his sisters graduation. I got up and got the kids ready and took them to my sisters graduation party. I dreaded it because I would have no help. My mother assured me that there would be plenty of people to help me. But no like the help I need. Yes they play with Caleb or Meghan etc. But I was constantly asking "where is Caleb??" Meghan of course was attached at my hip. Anyways it wasn't overall that bad. But how is it that I always watch the kids. Why couldn't Bart had taken one and dealt? Because that is what mothers do I guess.
I did get a break Sunday. I drove to Keene, NH to see my little sis graduate. Graduations are SO BORING! I hate any graduation. But I did enjoy riding down with my mom and Nikki. I am so proud of Lindsay. She has come a long way since her (as we say) "blue sweatshirt" days. Lindsay used to be very self conscious and even a little depressed. She really has changed. A lot for the better! Now she is one hot mama! She flaunts what she's got. I really admire her. She worked hard at college and many times like myself felt like quitting. She made it! She wants to teach high school. God knows why! But she can do it. She definitely holds her own.
So after the long ass graduation Nikki and I went to Longhorn. We noticed that we were eating fast. We aren't used to eating without kids!! Then we hit Target! We don't have one in VT of course. So we were there for a while. I love Target!
Today I went grocery shopping with the kids and my gram. Otherwise I wouldn't have been able too. Gram takes one, and I take the other. They were pretty good, as long as they were eating. Kind of like me! LOL
I'll be back to post pics of my sis in her graduation get-up!