Missing Gram....

For some reason Sundays and sunny days make me think of my gram. I just really still can't believe that she is gone. It doesn't seem real to me. I miss her so much, and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. Numerous times I have caught myself saying "well, I'll call gram...." etc.
Sundays remind me of gram because we used to go to church together and then we would go to her house and visit. When I think of sunny days I think of getting ready to play softball and stopping at her house to eat and get ready. I can see it perfectly in my mind. I walk in her kitchen and she is at the stove making dinner. The sunlight is coming in the window streaming across the table and floor. I wish I could go back to that time. I wish I could and take it all in. I would appreciate and listen more. I value those times with my gram when we did nothing. Dinner, coffee, riding to the softball games together, stopping at Dunkin Donuts with her, etc. I really really can't believe that she is gone. I have such a void in my heart. When she died, I seemed ok. I didn't cry much and kept telling myself that she is no longer in pain. But that only lasts so long. It has gotten so much harder for me as time has been moving along. I haven't felt pain like this in a long time. I feel like I didn't tell her everything I wanted to. I just miss her. Nothing is the same without her.

My day so far...

Last night Meghan had a hard night. She slept great from like 8:30-2am Then she was up and she was so restless. Bart finally got her back to sleep.
Caleb and Meghan got up this morning, and so far they have taken about half of the diapers out of the bins on their changing table and spread them all on the floor, taken my wooden calendar and knocked it down with all the little wood pieces all falling out, Caleb opened the dishwasher and then also hit cancel during a cycle so I had to do them twice, and at lunch Meghan thinks its a great idea to dump her lunch plate upside down. I can't help but look forward to nap time. Even then you are never guaranteed that they will sleep.
Calgone, take me away!

It sucks!

So my gram's house is for sale. Which means that there is a big fat realtor sign on her front lawn. I am glad that I knew about it before I drove by there. I really still can not fathom the fact that she is gone, and that her house will no longer be a place to go.
It sucks, it sucks, it sucks. I try to avoid driving by there when I can. But this is reality right? Her burial is June 9th.

Happy Birthday to Caleb & Meghan

At 2:44 am Caleb Stephen was born weighing in at 8lbs 1oz and 19 inches long. One minute later at 2:45 am Meghan Shirley was born weighing in at 6lbs 6oz and 19 inches long. Today they are 2 years old! I can't believe it.

Time seems to have gone so fast, yet at times seems so slow. It has gotten easier and I love being a mother more and more each day. Happy 2nd Birthday to my babies!! Wahhhh!

Two years ago today I was being induced. I went in at 8 am, but didn't really start being induced until about 10 am. Then I pretty much waited. When the contractions started getting worse I asked for an epidural. They came in pretty quick and my Dr was glad I was having one in case I needed an emergency c-section. Bart and my sister Nikki were there. We just waited and waited. They finally broke my water, which is the weirdest feeling! Soon it was late night and I hadn't moved past 6cm so they my Dr said that if I was the same in an hour that I would have a c-section.
To finish tomorrow on Caleb and Meghan's Birthday!

Ponderings

Do the celebrities that endorse the hair dyes, etc actually use them? I highly doubt it. I go to a salon for my hair. I don't want to screw it up with something OTC. So I highly doubt that Teri Hatcher touches up her hair with Loreal' or whatever.

Does Katie Holmes not talk now...? It seems that Tom Cruise does all the talking and everything else for that matter. Get out Katie!!! GO GO Hurry!!

Rants

A few things that are bugging me.

1) When you are in a store like Costco or the grocery store, walk around the store like you would drive. When going down an aisle go on the side you would drive on! Irritating!

2) If you are an employee of a clothing store or restaurant for that matter, remember that this is YOUR job. So if I need help with clothes or am placing an order could you not act like I am bothering you? If you hate your job and it shows, GET ANOTHER JOB!!!!

Ok, I feel better. I had to run errands today and Bart actually took a day off and watched the kids. Of course the kids are perfect for him. He talked and talked about what a great day it was. What I wanna know is when is he going to really see what it is like for me? You know when they are fighting, or crying, or whining and hanging on my leg, or when they open the fridge 50 times. WHEN!!???
When I did talk to Bart he asks me what should I feed them for dinner. Um I don't know maybe food? Come on! He acts like he has never watched them. He knows what they like to eat. Ok, maybe I should consider going back on Zoloft! LMAO

Pics

This is Nikki, Lindsay, my mom, and Me at Lindz's graduation!

Here she is the new college grad!

Graduations

I am so glad this weekend is over. I dreaded it. It was graduation weekend for my sister and sister in law. So Saturday started out with Bart leaving to go to his sisters graduation. I got up and got the kids ready and took them to my sisters graduation party. I dreaded it because I would have no help. My mother assured me that there would be plenty of people to help me. But no like the help I need. Yes they play with Caleb or Meghan etc. But I was constantly asking "where is Caleb??" Meghan of course was attached at my hip. Anyways it wasn't overall that bad. But how is it that I always watch the kids. Why couldn't Bart had taken one and dealt? Because that is what mothers do I guess.
I did get a break Sunday. I drove to Keene, NH to see my little sis graduate. Graduations are SO BORING! I hate any graduation. But I did enjoy riding down with my mom and Nikki. I am so proud of Lindsay. She has come a long way since her (as we say) "blue sweatshirt" days. Lindsay used to be very self conscious and even a little depressed. She really has changed. A lot for the better! Now she is one hot mama! She flaunts what she's got. I really admire her. She worked hard at college and many times like myself felt like quitting. She made it! She wants to teach high school. God knows why! But she can do it. She definitely holds her own.
So after the long ass graduation Nikki and I went to Longhorn. We noticed that we were eating fast. We aren't used to eating without kids!! Then we hit Target! We don't have one in VT of course. So we were there for a while. I love Target!
Today I went grocery shopping with the kids and my gram. Otherwise I wouldn't have been able too. Gram takes one, and I take the other. They were pretty good, as long as they were eating. Kind of like me! LOL
I'll be back to post pics of my sis in her graduation get-up!

Things that are annoying me

1) On 7th Heaven they have been "plugging" items. Once it was Campbell's soup, and currently it is Oreo's. While I don't mind once and a while, this whole show was around freakin Oreo's.

2) American Idol. I personally don't think that Paula Abdul has any business telling people how to sing. Yes she wasn't bad in the 80's, but why not have someone who is a long time singer, who currently still sings etc. I don't usually watch it but I did tonight.

3) Our phone has been out again. WTF? It is our problem I guess. The wiring sucks in this crap house. So Bart tried to fix it, but he couldn't. His dad can, but isn't coming up until Friday. We do have one phone that only works because we have hooked it up outside. Talk about freakin white trash! LOL

4) I missed free cone day at Ben & Jerry's!

I orignally had more things, but as usual when it comes time to blog them I can't remember. Ugh. Yeah that annoys me, not remembering. Oh and one more thing, the political ads are so annoying!

Enough for today..oh one more...I made a myspace page, and found the perfect song for it and they freakin deleted it. I am mad!!!!!

Ok..done...I think.

What have I done?

So we took Caleb and Meghan to get their hair cut. Caleb has had his hair cut once already. This was Meghan's first cut. Anyways I had to hold Meghan because she was freaking. Bart had Caleb. I said I wanted it shorter than last time. But not like this!!! I have cried over this! There is nothing I can do now. But I miss his beautiful curls. Ugh, I am really upset that his hair is freakin BUTCHED!!!
I am really having a hard time with it. Anyways it's probably karma since I just posted about men who needed haircuts. Karma is a bitch!

Men who need a haircut

Here are some men, that I think need a haircut.
1.) Barry Watson (from Seventh Heaven, 2nd pic)
2.)Daniel Kucan (from Extreme Makeover Home Edition, 1st pic)
Their hair drives me nuts. Just had to get that out.

Thinking of Gram

This morning I had a, I guess you would call a good dream. In the last part of my dream, I saw my gram again. She looked so happy and well. In my dream we were all at her house welcoming her home, or something. In my dream I ran up and gave her a huge hug and she held on for a long time. But then sadly I wake up. So the dream was good obviously in the fact that I saw her again, but bad in the fact that it wasn't real and I had to deal with the harsh reality waking up that she really is gone.
It sucks to know that things will never be the same. I know that she is gone, but I keep having these little moments where I think, oh I'll buy that for Gram. Then I remember.
I am trying to do as my gram would have wanted. I made sure that there would be flowers on Easter Sunday at Church in remembrance of her, my grandfather, and my uncle. I also talked to our pastor about making sure there is some sort of dedication service for the funds that were given in her memory, so that kids could attend Church camp. I do find that if I do this I am making her happy and honoring her.

The day from....

Today was umm, terrible. My friend wanted to go to a place called Zachary's. It is sort of like Chuckie Cheese from what I have heard, although not as big etc. I have tried explaining to everyone that I can not go by myself. They think I am over exaggerating. Hello?! I have 2 kids under 2. They do not listen. They do take off. No one understands, unless I guess you have 2 under 2 or what not. Still. It is not fun for me to chase Caleb and Meghan all over this place and worry about them. While we were there Caleb pooped 3 times. So I have to leave Meggy with my friend while I go to change him.
Caleb ran off 4-5 times into the other restaurant. He tried climbing up the skee-ball ramp 4 times. Meghan went up in the tubes only to discover that she can't get down. So I had to drag my fat ass up there and get her twice, while she is screaming mind you. Doesn't this sound like tons of fun?
I am not sure if my kids are terrors, or regular almost 2 year olds. My family seems to make me think that I have hellions for kids. I think they are pretty normal, sure they are hard to watch. But I think it is because there are 2 at the same age. Meanwhile I get the same old sayings from everyone. "I can't even imagine having 2" " I could never do it" "God picked you for a reason, and not me!" (while they laugh)
Am I crazy for wanting one more? Yes. But that won't be until they are like 4 years old...hopefully.
It is starting to get warm in good ol VT! It is going to be a high of 60 tomorrow! Scorcher. My kids ask me everyday "Outside?" I have to say, "No not today..." Because I can not take them outside by myself. Our property is surrounded by the road, a river, and a brook. We are planning on putting up a fence. Actually we have it all here, the posts and panels of fencing. Just waiting, and waiting for it to be put up. Of course the people that have to put it up, don't have to say no to those sweet little faces!!!
Oh and one more VENT...I am driving to go to Zachary's and want to plug in my cell because it is of course, dying and I can not find the charger anywhere. Why? Oh yes, because Bart took it. GRRRRR!!!!!!! I know you might be wondering why don't you get 2. OH WE DO! But his car is being fixed and he forgot to get it out. MEN!! Oh and while I am on it, my car has to be serviced as well. But we have to make sure his is done first. I mean all I use my car is you know, to just cart the kids around!

Being sick sucks

Ugh! I went to the Dr. yesterday because I really thought that I had an ear infection. I held off 3 days because sometimes it just goes away, and with 2 kids and no babysitters it's hard to make an appointment. But I was in pain, so I made an appointment. I went in, and he checked my ears, throat, etc. Did a strep test. Waited for the 5 minute results. Negative. Good. My ears do have fluid, but it's not infected. So that was it, I pretty much have to suck it up and deal. I am feeling a little better today.
I am going with my friend Nicole tomorrow for a day of shopping and actually getting to enjoy lunch. My sister without me asking mind you, took the day off and said she would watch the kids for my birthday and I could make plans. I thought at first Bart, but he can't take the day off. He is a he puts is "slamming" right now. I am looking forward to it. I guess I will just have to pop the advil.

Weekend Recap

So this weekend was ok. Turns out that Meghan has an ear infection. She had a fever for 3 days and I was starting to get worried. I called and they said if she still had a fever on Saturday to bring her in. So we brought her in to the Dr's and sure enough she had an ear infection. Poor little gal! After we went to the inlaws, and hung out. They insisted that Bart and I go to dinner and shopping if we wanted. So we ate at Longhorn and went to Toys R Us and The Children's place. We bought stuff for the kids, because we can't resist. Then we stopped at Starbucks for a Cafe' Latte. YUM! Saturday night was horrible. First there was the time change and then Meg was up most of the night.
Sunday I slept in and Bart got up with the kids. We missed Church, but I did get the Church Newsletter done. Caleb & Meghan took a long nap and I went grocery shopping. My mom and aunt stopped by and I made dinner. My aunt went with her S/O to dinner and my mom stayed and ate with us. Hopefully we can get over this sickness. Although I have a little sore throat now. Ugh

Tonight I was looking through the recipe box of my grams. I was sorting through tons of newspaper & magazine clips. Deciding which ones I wanted to keep, etc. I come across this piece of paper in my grams writing. This is what it says:
Dear God-
Thank you so much for all my happiness and please help me to remember when things aren't so happy, how lucky I've been.

Wow! That is definitely a keeper, and a great reminder!

Please visit this site!

This little boy could use your support! If you can please donate money! If not please keep him in your prayers! Thanks!

http://thomasbickle.blogspot.com/

"Family"

Well, wouldn't my grandmother be DISAPPOINTED. A once together family is being torn apart, by MATERIAL items. Well Gram is gone now, so everyone better get all they want that is worth any money and run. Who cares about relationships? I mean really. As long as we have that antique etc, that will keep us warm at night. My grandmother raised 9 children, with hardly anything. They all grew up with nothing and now some of them want everything. Isn't that ironic? I guess I was wrong, I really thought or didn't want to believe that my family would be like this. All that matters in life is your family, friends....relationships. I just really can't grasp it. How people who grew up with each other, suddenly don't care if they ever talk again. This is not what my grandmother wanted. It was certainly not what she was about. It's really funny, that when my gram was living some of them didn't visit or help her. But now they want all her stuff. All I want is my gram. Anything I wanted from her house was stuff that reminds me of her, stuff with no value. Except that it has value to me. Recipes that my gram wrote...no one wants those. I was so excited to get them. I still have her writing! I guess they need to take a long hard look at their life. If having money and material items is what matters most to you, then you have really got to RETHINK something. I personally have no regrets. I spent and helped my grandmother, and that is what matters. What they did while she was alive is what matters. Last time I checked, when you die you can't take anything with you. Materialism:a desire for wealth and material possessions with little interest in ethical or spiritual matters. Yup, that sums it up. In case you couldn't pick up on it. I am angry. This however does not apply to all of my family. I would hope they would know who they are. I am just so sick of it. This is not what my grandmother raised them to be. I believe that she is watching all of it. That saddens me.

The Longest week ever...

Bart, Caleb and Meghan have all thrown up this week. I have major anxiety about getting sick. I haven't gotten it yet, I am just waiting. I have hardly eaten at all this week. For some reason I am really afraid of throwing up. I would think I would be in the clear by now, but I am not so sure. This has been the longest week ever. Meggy still does not feel well, so she usually lays on me most of the day. Which wouldn't be bad if it was just her. But Caleb is back to his old self, so he wants me to play. This part is so hard with twins.
At this point I almost wish I would just get it, and get it over with. Ugh!