Things that are annoying me

1) On 7th Heaven they have been "plugging" items. Once it was Campbell's soup, and currently it is Oreo's. While I don't mind once and a while, this whole show was around freakin Oreo's.

2) American Idol. I personally don't think that Paula Abdul has any business telling people how to sing. Yes she wasn't bad in the 80's, but why not have someone who is a long time singer, who currently still sings etc. I don't usually watch it but I did tonight.

3) Our phone has been out again. WTF? It is our problem I guess. The wiring sucks in this crap house. So Bart tried to fix it, but he couldn't. His dad can, but isn't coming up until Friday. We do have one phone that only works because we have hooked it up outside. Talk about freakin white trash! LOL

4) I missed free cone day at Ben & Jerry's!

I orignally had more things, but as usual when it comes time to blog them I can't remember. Ugh. Yeah that annoys me, not remembering. Oh and one more thing, the political ads are so annoying!

Enough for today..oh one more...I made a myspace page, and found the perfect song for it and they freakin deleted it. I am mad!!!!!

Ok..done...I think.

What have I done?

So we took Caleb and Meghan to get their hair cut. Caleb has had his hair cut once already. This was Meghan's first cut. Anyways I had to hold Meghan because she was freaking. Bart had Caleb. I said I wanted it shorter than last time. But not like this!!! I have cried over this! There is nothing I can do now. But I miss his beautiful curls. Ugh, I am really upset that his hair is freakin BUTCHED!!!
I am really having a hard time with it. Anyways it's probably karma since I just posted about men who needed haircuts. Karma is a bitch!

Men who need a haircut

Here are some men, that I think need a haircut.
1.) Barry Watson (from Seventh Heaven, 2nd pic)
2.)Daniel Kucan (from Extreme Makeover Home Edition, 1st pic)
Their hair drives me nuts. Just had to get that out.

Thinking of Gram

This morning I had a, I guess you would call a good dream. In the last part of my dream, I saw my gram again. She looked so happy and well. In my dream we were all at her house welcoming her home, or something. In my dream I ran up and gave her a huge hug and she held on for a long time. But then sadly I wake up. So the dream was good obviously in the fact that I saw her again, but bad in the fact that it wasn't real and I had to deal with the harsh reality waking up that she really is gone.
It sucks to know that things will never be the same. I know that she is gone, but I keep having these little moments where I think, oh I'll buy that for Gram. Then I remember.
I am trying to do as my gram would have wanted. I made sure that there would be flowers on Easter Sunday at Church in remembrance of her, my grandfather, and my uncle. I also talked to our pastor about making sure there is some sort of dedication service for the funds that were given in her memory, so that kids could attend Church camp. I do find that if I do this I am making her happy and honoring her.

The day from....

Today was umm, terrible. My friend wanted to go to a place called Zachary's. It is sort of like Chuckie Cheese from what I have heard, although not as big etc. I have tried explaining to everyone that I can not go by myself. They think I am over exaggerating. Hello?! I have 2 kids under 2. They do not listen. They do take off. No one understands, unless I guess you have 2 under 2 or what not. Still. It is not fun for me to chase Caleb and Meghan all over this place and worry about them. While we were there Caleb pooped 3 times. So I have to leave Meggy with my friend while I go to change him.
Caleb ran off 4-5 times into the other restaurant. He tried climbing up the skee-ball ramp 4 times. Meghan went up in the tubes only to discover that she can't get down. So I had to drag my fat ass up there and get her twice, while she is screaming mind you. Doesn't this sound like tons of fun?
I am not sure if my kids are terrors, or regular almost 2 year olds. My family seems to make me think that I have hellions for kids. I think they are pretty normal, sure they are hard to watch. But I think it is because there are 2 at the same age. Meanwhile I get the same old sayings from everyone. "I can't even imagine having 2" " I could never do it" "God picked you for a reason, and not me!" (while they laugh)
Am I crazy for wanting one more? Yes. But that won't be until they are like 4 years old...hopefully.
It is starting to get warm in good ol VT! It is going to be a high of 60 tomorrow! Scorcher. My kids ask me everyday "Outside?" I have to say, "No not today..." Because I can not take them outside by myself. Our property is surrounded by the road, a river, and a brook. We are planning on putting up a fence. Actually we have it all here, the posts and panels of fencing. Just waiting, and waiting for it to be put up. Of course the people that have to put it up, don't have to say no to those sweet little faces!!!
Oh and one more VENT...I am driving to go to Zachary's and want to plug in my cell because it is of course, dying and I can not find the charger anywhere. Why? Oh yes, because Bart took it. GRRRRR!!!!!!! I know you might be wondering why don't you get 2. OH WE DO! But his car is being fixed and he forgot to get it out. MEN!! Oh and while I am on it, my car has to be serviced as well. But we have to make sure his is done first. I mean all I use my car is you know, to just cart the kids around!

Being sick sucks

Ugh! I went to the Dr. yesterday because I really thought that I had an ear infection. I held off 3 days because sometimes it just goes away, and with 2 kids and no babysitters it's hard to make an appointment. But I was in pain, so I made an appointment. I went in, and he checked my ears, throat, etc. Did a strep test. Waited for the 5 minute results. Negative. Good. My ears do have fluid, but it's not infected. So that was it, I pretty much have to suck it up and deal. I am feeling a little better today.
I am going with my friend Nicole tomorrow for a day of shopping and actually getting to enjoy lunch. My sister without me asking mind you, took the day off and said she would watch the kids for my birthday and I could make plans. I thought at first Bart, but he can't take the day off. He is a he puts is "slamming" right now. I am looking forward to it. I guess I will just have to pop the advil.

Weekend Recap

So this weekend was ok. Turns out that Meghan has an ear infection. She had a fever for 3 days and I was starting to get worried. I called and they said if she still had a fever on Saturday to bring her in. So we brought her in to the Dr's and sure enough she had an ear infection. Poor little gal! After we went to the inlaws, and hung out. They insisted that Bart and I go to dinner and shopping if we wanted. So we ate at Longhorn and went to Toys R Us and The Children's place. We bought stuff for the kids, because we can't resist. Then we stopped at Starbucks for a Cafe' Latte. YUM! Saturday night was horrible. First there was the time change and then Meg was up most of the night.
Sunday I slept in and Bart got up with the kids. We missed Church, but I did get the Church Newsletter done. Caleb & Meghan took a long nap and I went grocery shopping. My mom and aunt stopped by and I made dinner. My aunt went with her S/O to dinner and my mom stayed and ate with us. Hopefully we can get over this sickness. Although I have a little sore throat now. Ugh

Tonight I was looking through the recipe box of my grams. I was sorting through tons of newspaper & magazine clips. Deciding which ones I wanted to keep, etc. I come across this piece of paper in my grams writing. This is what it says:
Dear God-
Thank you so much for all my happiness and please help me to remember when things aren't so happy, how lucky I've been.

Wow! That is definitely a keeper, and a great reminder!

Please visit this site!

This little boy could use your support! If you can please donate money! If not please keep him in your prayers! Thanks!

http://thomasbickle.blogspot.com/

"Family"

Well, wouldn't my grandmother be DISAPPOINTED. A once together family is being torn apart, by MATERIAL items. Well Gram is gone now, so everyone better get all they want that is worth any money and run. Who cares about relationships? I mean really. As long as we have that antique etc, that will keep us warm at night. My grandmother raised 9 children, with hardly anything. They all grew up with nothing and now some of them want everything. Isn't that ironic? I guess I was wrong, I really thought or didn't want to believe that my family would be like this. All that matters in life is your family, friends....relationships. I just really can't grasp it. How people who grew up with each other, suddenly don't care if they ever talk again. This is not what my grandmother wanted. It was certainly not what she was about. It's really funny, that when my gram was living some of them didn't visit or help her. But now they want all her stuff. All I want is my gram. Anything I wanted from her house was stuff that reminds me of her, stuff with no value. Except that it has value to me. Recipes that my gram wrote...no one wants those. I was so excited to get them. I still have her writing! I guess they need to take a long hard look at their life. If having money and material items is what matters most to you, then you have really got to RETHINK something. I personally have no regrets. I spent and helped my grandmother, and that is what matters. What they did while she was alive is what matters. Last time I checked, when you die you can't take anything with you. Materialism:a desire for wealth and material possessions with little interest in ethical or spiritual matters. Yup, that sums it up. In case you couldn't pick up on it. I am angry. This however does not apply to all of my family. I would hope they would know who they are. I am just so sick of it. This is not what my grandmother raised them to be. I believe that she is watching all of it. That saddens me.

The Longest week ever...

Bart, Caleb and Meghan have all thrown up this week. I have major anxiety about getting sick. I haven't gotten it yet, I am just waiting. I have hardly eaten at all this week. For some reason I am really afraid of throwing up. I would think I would be in the clear by now, but I am not so sure. This has been the longest week ever. Meggy still does not feel well, so she usually lays on me most of the day. Which wouldn't be bad if it was just her. But Caleb is back to his old self, so he wants me to play. This part is so hard with twins.
At this point I almost wish I would just get it, and get it over with. Ugh!

It seems that this month is harder for me than the last month. I miss my gram so much. I remind myself of what it was like for her, she was in pain and I know that she is in a better place now. While that brings me some comfort, I still have an ache in my heart from the void. She is always on my mind.
My aunt called and told me I could come over there and get some stuff. She asked what I had given Gram, so she could give it back to me. Thing is I don't care. Nothing matters now, I don't want any material thing. I just want my Gram. I picked up a penny off the ground yesterday. It reminded me of her. She always used to say that about pennies on the ground--that they were "pennies from heaven."
I catch myself thinking and almost saying "I'll ask Gram what she thinks..." then I remember that she is not here. I just wish I could have one more day with her.

I forgot to add that the little boy who needs bone marrow has gotten a match from someone's cord blood. That is a miracle. I am so happy that they found a match. I just wanted to update on that post.

I have thought about changing my blog name as, I had mentioned but I would assume that people could still find me. Not that I care so much, but I would feel better about it not having my name. Not sure yet.

I had to take Caleb to the doctor yesterday. He has a horrible cough. The Dr. said he was wheezing, so he gave me a prescription for the Albuterol Inhaler. He hates it. You have to keep the mask on him for 6 breaths. Umm on a 21 month old? YEAH RIGHT!

Insert foot in mouth

I just lost my whole post. UGH!
I was reading BBC tonight as usual, and there is a thread about a 60 year old woman giving birth. It has been all over the news. I judged before I even read the article. I learned a lesson tonight. I hate when I am so judgmental. I try to be aware of it, then it slips by and I feel like crap. I do indeed hope this woman lives a long life. The child is blessed. Like one poster said, "any baby is a gift" and I agree.
Today is my grams birthday. She would have been 76. I miss her so much. At times I feel as though I can still go to her house and see her, and she will be sitting in her chair watching the soaps. Man, I really do miss her.
I am thinking of changing my blog name. I wanted to warn some of you, if there are any who actually still read it. Maybe not, if people want to find me they will.
Hi Shawn! Try email!

Save a life!

This weekend I went to a bone marrow drive for a little 2 year old boy named Joseph. His hope for survival is a bone marrow transplant. The way the community came together was amazing. As of yesterday 1,008 people were tested for their bone marrow to see if they were a match. The bake sale raised over 3,000 dollars. There were numerous volunteers, including children. I had like permanent goose bumps. It was overwhelming, so much so that I felt like I was on the verge of tears the entire time I was there. To see all the people, volunteers, children, and the donations.
Someone said to me you know that if you do that then you will be listed on the bone marrow registry, and that means that anyone could contact you for bone marrow. I said yeah I know that. But that means I have the opportunity to save someone's life. Isn't that amazing?
I heard about a woman who gave her bone marrow and saved a nine year old boy. Every year he sends her a mothers day card, and they get together for vacations. The boy is now fifteen.
I read another story in Readers Digest about a woman who needed a bone marrow transplant to live. There was one match. He decided to give her his bone marrow. After a year the patient can contact them. The woman wrote a thank you card to the man, and eventually they met. They fell in love and got married. Now tell me that, isn't the work of God! One match!!
Anyways I encourage you to get tested and go on the registry for bone marrow. You could help save a life. If you can't or don't want to please donate. A test costs 70.00.
To learn more about Joseph go to www.carepages.com and then "josephkrupski"

My grandmother died.

It's all over, the pain and suffering. My sweet gram passed away at 3:05 on January 1st. I guess she waited for the new year. She hadn't really been awake since about Friday December 30. That Thursday night was the last time I really talked to her. I told her that I was going home and the I would be back tomorrow. She told me that she loved me so much. These past few days have been some of the hardest. I knew it was coming, I watched as Cancer took over her body. Yet, I am still in shock. I can't believe that she is truly gone. What am I going to do without her?
The home health nurse told us that she thought it would be in the early morning hours and she was right. I laid on the bed with her. I rubbed her arm and chest and told her to relax, because she has a rattling sound when she was breathing. I know that she could hear me because she would relax her breathing. I told her it was time to rest. I never left her side, and for some reason I had strength. I watched her take her last breath. She was surrounded by family. I am glad that she doesn't have to suffer anymore. She is finally at peace. I have comfort knowing that she is with my grandfather, uncle, and aunt. She can finally meet her dad, and of course Jesus. But it's hard to imagine what it will be like without her. I called her everyday. We talked about all sorts of stuff, and she was the first person I would call when I had a question about Caleb or Meghan, or how to cook something. She just knew the answers.
I went to her house yesterday. It was so hard to be there. I cried when I went into the living room because it smelled like her. I don't want to be there. They gave me her stocking, that I gave her. What am I going to do with that? It was hers. Tomorrow is the wake or viewing. I made a huge collage of pictures I had of her and a poem. The funeral is Thursday. But we can't bury her cause the ground is frozen. That sucks.
Thank you to all who have written emails, or ecards. I appreciate them. Please know that if I don't answer it isn't personal, I just can't right now. In case you are interested her is her obituary.
Here is a link.
http://hayes.lifefiles.com/registryMain.php?PHPSESSID=b0b7cccae068ef59b5731691b4534a30&i_memorialid=1136219558
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" Matthew 11:28

Whew! I am so glad that Christmas is over. I love Christmas actually, but this year I have no Christmas spirit as you might have picked up on. The tree is already out, because we had no room for all of the kids toys. I had a good Christmas overall. But I have realized and (always known) that Christmas is not about the presents. I mean I have always known that of course. But every year has been pretty good. This year was different. The only present I really want and won't receive is for my grandmother not to be dying.
I feel so torn this week. Bart has the week off, so I have been going to my grams. Thing is I want to be there all the time, but when I am there I want to be home because I feel like a neglectful mother. I also feel bad for Bart because this is his week off. Even though he is getting a taste of what I do, day in and day out. Anyways I know my kids are little and that they won't remember, but I feel torn. I have been there a lot lately, so I have decided that tomorrow I will not go over until later like 6. It is hard. I want to be there. But I need to be here with my kids. I could never go to work now. I would miss my kids too much.
My gram still has her sense of humor. She jokes around with me, and I joke around with her. I lay with her on the bed and we talk, or she will hold my hand. I know how to move her, what medicines she has to take, what number her oxygen has to be on. I spent the night with her on Christmas Eve. I am so glad I did. Bart and I did Christmas morning on Dec. 26. so I could see the kids faces when they got up.
Well thanks for all the prayers and good thoughts I appreciate it.

I haven't written lately, but I get home late. After Bart comes home from work, we put the kids to bed and then I leave to go to my grams. She is in her bed a lot now, and I go in and lay with her. I made her a photo book and she loved it. I finally got what I wanted to say to her in a card and she read it. Of course she almost doesn't believe the things about herself. She said "You say all these nice things about me..." I said "But gram they are true."
She has lost a lot of hair, and that was only from one treatment. She isn't having anymore treatments. I can notice a difference, she is in more pain and doesn't have much energy. It is so hard to watch her like that. So much has changed since this summer. It sucks, it royally sucks.
Here is the letter:
Dear Gram,
I’m so sorry that you have to go through all of this. It’s not fair. No one deserves to be in pain, especially you. I wish there was something that I could do. I feel so helpless.
I have never told you this, but you are my best friend. I can tell you anything and you always intently listen to me. Whenever I feel like no one is listening to me, I know I can call you or go see you and that you will. You have always made me feel so loved, and proud of myself. I hope I can at least be half the mother that you are.
Some of the greatest moments in my life have been spent with you. I loved staying with you on weekends. Bart and I had so much fun. I loved chatting with you at night, even when you wished secretly that I would go to sleep. I also loved going shopping with you. I even loved bringing you to the pool, even though you hated it. I remember the time we almost didn’t turn off the Christmas lights and it’s a good thing we did. I believe that someone was watching out for us that night. I also remember the time and laugh to myself when I think about that night that you woke me up so I would hear that alarm clock singing “You are my sunshine.”
One of my first memories is eating peanut butter on saltines watching Guiding Light with you. My favorite Christmas memory is when I gave you that stocking. I didn’t realize that you had never had one before. You are always so grateful for everything. I never once got tired of doing stuff for you Gram. I loved to do it. You are always so appreciative.
Gram because of you I am a better person. Your strong faith has showed me to always trust in God, and pray. I am lucky because having a strong faith helps me through rough times. I owe that to you.
I still have those glass angels you gave me for Christmas when I was putting them up I was reminded of how you always said that I was your angel, but you are really MY angel, and always will be.
I love you so much Gram.
Love always and forever,
Kylee
It is kind of choppy, but I am not the greatest writer. It did however come from my heart. Thank you all who actually read my blog and are praying for my Gram. It means a lot to me.

Tonight was hard. I went to visit my gram and I was laying on the bed with her holding her hand while she drifted in and out of sleep. I told her I was going to go home, and she said "I love you so much, so so much. Don't ever forget that." I started crying right there. I don't think she knew though. She was pretty tired. God I love her, and it breaks my heart to see her in pain.
Christmas time is my favorite time of year. But it is so hard to be in the spirit. I'm trying though.

Thanksgiving wasn't all that great. That night we had to go to the E.R. with my Gram. Her meds were screwed up and she was saying weird things. They had to come and get her by ambulance. She ended up coming home that morning. I brought her home. I guess that she had fluid around her lungs..? Anyways they mentioned having a chest tube put in. But that means that she would have to be in the hospital, and most likely in pain. She doesn't want too. Which means, it is all coming too fast for me. I am in denial, I guess. I know that she is going to die but I didn't think it would be this soon. A little part of me still believes that she won't.
Yesterday she gave me her class ring. That meant so much to me. I am wearing it around my neck, because it is too small. I try and go see her every night. I lay on the bed with her, and we just talk. Memories that I will cherish forever.
See we moved up here out in the boonies, away from the city. We had to, so we could buy a house. I live next door to one Gram, and my Gram who has cancer lives a mile from my house. I had a hard time adjusting to living here. I keep saying that I couldn't wait until we could move back. But now, I am so thankful that we did move up here. I am able to go see my gram every day. It wouldn't be possible if I lived in the city. Thank you Lord.
Today my "gramp" has been gone 5 years. It seems like so much longer. He died suddenly of a heart attack. We were so shocked. I remember that day vividly. I was driving home from college listening to Christmas music, and then I noticed my sister pull in right after I got home. I thought she wanted to go shopping. But then I saw her face. I thought it was my dad at first. Then she told me that Gramp had died. I hadn't seen him in 3 weeks. I vowed never to let that happen with any of my grandparents again. And I haven't.
Sorry this has been such a downer blog, but it's my life at the moment. Not that anyone reads it anyways!

My heart hurts. For the past week I have been trying to block out that my grandmother will be dying. But no matter what I do, it is still there in the back of my mind. Tonight I went to see her. She is in so much pain, and gets sick to her stomach. Why, why, why does she have to be in pain? Why can't she just live the rest of her days feeling half way decent? I really wish I could go back in time for one night...I would pick a night back when she was well and I used to stay with her. If I had one of those nights, this time I would listen, really listen and just take it all in. Unfortunately we can't. I don't want my grandmother to die, but I don't want her to be in pain either. Life royally sucks sometimes.
Tonight when I was talking with Bart, I was asking him why certain things happen, etc. He said "If we didn't experience sorrow, then we wouldn't know happiness" I guess I never thought of it like that.
I want to tell my gram so many things, but I am having a hard time finding the words. I just hope that she knows how I feel. She gave me a bookmark once, and it said "To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world." That is how I truly feel about her.