I know I haven't updated in forever. I have wanted to many times, but didn't because no matter how I put it, I would be a downer. So you were warned. I have been down lately. There are a lot of contributing factors.

I miss my gram terribly, I thought I was getting better but I'm not. It hurts right now like it did when I found out that she had cancer. My heart aches everyday. I feel like she is the only one who really knows me. I can't help it. I feel alone without her. I miss her so much, and she is on my mind everyday. I hate that she is not here, I am mad and angry about it. All I can replay in my mind is her being sick, I can't seem to remember when she wasn't. It's like a movie over and over in my mind. It kills me.

I am so not the mother I thought I would be. Ever since I was little I wanted to be a mom. Now I am one, and I feel like a failure. I have no patience with them lately, and I have even yelled at them this week. I mean yelled. I feel like such an asshole of a mother. I feel like I don't do enough with them, and that my gram is looking down and is so disappointed in how I treat my kids. I feel constantly judged about how I raise my children. I feel like no one wants to be around me or my kids because we are just too complicated, etc.

I really hope that I am just stressed because Bart was gone, and that I don't need to go back on Zoloft. I just feel like I can't catch a break. Sigh. Glad I updated?

In Memory Of Daniel F. McGinley

Daniel F. McGinley was a family man, and a man of the Lord. He valued his family and his deep Catholic faith. He was known as the always "working the beads" when his brother last talked to him on September 11, Daniel was saying the Rosary for the people in the other tower. That says a lot about the person he was.

He was proud of his Irish heritage, that every St. Patrick's Day he took the day off work and took his wife Peggy, and their 5 children to a parade on Fifth Avenue. He also loved to sing his favorite, "Danny Boy" his wife even bought him a karoke machine.

Daniel enjoyed playing hockey, and was quite good at it. He played twice a week. He also coached his children's soccer, hockey, and baseball teams. He was also very interested in his Irish Heritage and Catholic religion. He knew his history on both subjects very well.

After reading all about Daniel while researching for this blog what really stood out to me was what an all around great guy he was. He was a great friend, husband, and father. Not everyone is so fortunate to know someone like Daniel. It was hard for me to write this without sounding like an obitutary. I am glad that I got to do this. My thoughts and prayers are with all of Daniel's family on this day, as well as all the other 2,995 that lost their lives.

Prayers Please

Can you please pray for Joseph? He is a 3 year old boy that has had one cord blood transplant and now needs another one. He is currently on a ventilator. I know he and his family would appreciate your prayers. Thanks.

Maine

So this weekend we went to Maine. It was not bad, but the kids sleep horribly in hotels. But they loved being "free" as we let them run around with Elise, Jack, and Seth. They even met a few other friends while staying there. I was very thankful to have help, my grandmother and my great aunt watched Caleb and Meghan, so Bart and I could eat breakfast in peace. LOL My kids aren't really so great at eating out, but I will say they did pretty well in Maine.
There was a Canadian couple that had boy/girl twins that were the same age as Caleb & Meghan. They were born on the 21st of May. But they were 2 months premature. Meghan and the little boy hit it off, they even kissed once. Too cute!
It rained the whole way home, and the DVD player in my car stopped working before we even left for home. I was so fuming mad about that, because it is our lifesaver for long rides, and because I have had to return it like twice before. Good thing we got the warranty.
I am so glad to be home in my own bed though!

Missing Gram

Every year since I can remember we go to the fair with my moms side of the family. Not all of them but some of them. My gram loved to go to the fair. We went on Tuesday August 29, and it was not the same at all. This is the first year without gram there.
One of my favorite stories that my gram told me was how she used to take her 9 kids to the fair every year. They didn't have much money but she would take them, and they would go out and eat in the car with a picnic that gram had prepared. She would buy things that they never had because they were too expensive to buy all the time, like soda and cookies. So even though they didn't have a lot of money to get fair food, she still made it special for them by getting things that they rarely had. She also gave each kid a roll of dimes to use for what they wanted whether it be rides or games.
I love that story because it shows what a great mom my grandmother was. She still made it special for them even though they didn't have much money.

Random

Ok, a few random tidbits.....

I watch Young & the Restless and Guiding Light. On both shows they are having people die. I can't deal! It all brings me back to when my gram passed away. Sigh can't they go back to cheating on each other?

I need sneakers. I went to 4 stores today. Did I find shoes? No. Why? Cause I have wide feet. Apparently wider than anyone else. I tried on some cute woman sneakers, but nope NONE of them fit even the ones that said wide. So I tried mens, and I did find a couple pairs but nothing that fit great.

I did however get the Church newsletter done. Finally. I had to take it to Staples because the church copier is on the skits. I had to make 90 copies. It cost me 40.00!! But it works out because we haven't been to church in a while to give any money. Bart and I have a goal to start to go to church every Sunday like we used to. The kids need to get used to it, and I think the more we go, the more they will get used to it. That is the hope anyway.

Pictures from The Wiggles!!

Picture 1: Giving the Wiggly dancer the bone we brought for Wags the dog!
Picture 2: Watching the show.
Picture 3: Fruit salad, yummy, yummy!!
Picture 4: Watching the show, Meghan is holding a rose to give to Dorothy the dinosaur!
Picture 5: Toot, toot, chugga, chugga, big red car....
Picture 6: Henry the Octopus, Captain Feathersword, Dorothy the dinosaur, and Wags the dog!!
Picture 7: Giving the Wiggly dancer roses for Dorothy the dinosaur!

I want to snap on my freakin internet. I had to call them this morning because last night I was off and on, off and on. SO irritating. Then this morning it was out. FUN FUN! At least I talked with a woman and she had kids so she wasn't annoyed with Caleb playing the trumpet. *sigh*

I took Caleb to the Dr yesterday. He is now on oral antibotics for staph and I have to alternate between Hydrocortizone cream with desitin and Lotrimin and desitin. He HATES medicine. I have been trying to sneak it in his bottle (yes you heard right *gasp*), he doesn't like it very well...I also talked to my Ped. about Meghan and her constipation he gave her a stool softener which is tasteless and I can put it in juice or her bottle, now why can't they make Calebs medicine like that? He said it was a stool softener but on the bottle it says prescription laxative. I think I might call tomorrow. I don't want her to be dependent on it to go, plus I hate putting it in her little body. I just want to make sure I am doing the right thing. I do trust my Ped, but I just worry like that.

Bart finally took the van in to get looked at because the stupid ABS light comes on randomly. But it was nothing! Thank God, we just shelled out 500.00 for Barts car. It never ends. We are going to see the Wiggles on Friday!! WHOO HOOO!! Rock on! LOL I am looking forward to it because I know my kids will love it and be so excited. I am however not looking forward to sleeping in a hotel cause the kids will do horrible. Oh and driving for like 4-5 hours. Yeah not looking forward to that.

Tomorrow night my gram and I are going to Ladies Night Out with women from our church. I am looking forward to that, because I have adult conversation, & I get to hang with my gram. Today she watched them for what I thought would be like 20 minutes. I had to go talk to the pastor about the newsletter. I was gone for like an hour and a half and my 84 year old gram watched Caleb and Meghan. She took them outside even!! I don't even do that unless we are inside the fence! SO thankful for her.

Nothing New

Not much new on the home front. Same old same old. I still miss my gram like crazy, something reminds me of her everyday. Still waiting for it to get easier...

Caleb has a rash on his private area, and we went to the Dr. They said it was a yeast rash and gave us nystatin. Well it still hasn't gone away so I called on Sunday. They told me to do all this other stuff. Well I have, and it is still there. So I am calling tomorrow and I want to go in. Poor little guy.

Tonight Caleb and Meghan were so cute. Earlier today I cut up an apple and had some peanut butter to dip it in. I tried to give Meg some, and she didn't want it. Well later she saw that I was eating and so she decided to try it. She did and then she said "that good" LOL She cracks me up! I made Cheeseburger Macaroni for dinner (I know, I rock right?) Meghan loves it. So I gave her a plate and she took a bite and said "mmm yummy" then took another bite and said "that good."
Caleb likes it too, he said "mmm yummy mommy"
Poor Caleb's bum was so sore and he did not want to get into the bath. So he looked at me and then said "mommy bath?" So I got in the bath with them. Poor kids, with my fat ass in there, there was no room! LOL Oh well, at least Caleb got in the bath.

My house is a wreck, nothing new there. Caleb and Meghan have been so energized lately!! They go from fighting to kissing and hugging. My gram comes home tomorrow! YAY!! We can not wait. I have been lonely and the kids ask everyday "Mi-mi go??, mi-mi go??"
Our weekend was nothing exciting really. Bart mowed the lawn, and we went to one of my friends son's birthday. The kids had a blast! On Sunday the kids took a 4 hour nap! But it is because they went to bed late the night before! I went grocery shopping and then my dad came down for dinner. The kids loved having Papa here.
We are going to meet my gram at the airport tomorrow. She doesn't know it though! Then I have to find an anniversary present for Bart. This summer is just flying by!

Please Join Me!

Please join me and sign up for blogging about a person that was a victim in the 9-11 attacks. You sign up here and you are assigned a victim and then on September 11, 2006 you write a tribute to your assigned person! I think it's a great idea! Please think about joining and honoring all the people who lost their lives.

Grateful

Now I seem to come off as ungrateful lately. That isn't the case at all. I have lots to be grateful for. I am grateful for my children, family, the list goes on and on. As you know I am grateful for my grandmothers. I have talked a lot about my gram that recently passed, Shirley but have not mentioned my other gram, Marion. She lives right next door to me. We actually bought this house from her. I don't know how I would have survived these first few years with Caleb and Meghan without her. I mean that. Since the day they were born, my grandmother has come down every weekday. She does my laundry, helps with the kids, etc. Most of all she has been my friend, and companion.
She is 84 years old and I wish I had the energy that she does. Now that the kids are getting older they love going to see "Mi-mi." She has even taken them to her house by herself a couple of times. She bought them baby ducks and has raised them so that Caleb and Meghan could see them. She has done it for all of her grandkids. I am so grateful to have her near. She is amazing. I am certainly blessed when it comes to my grandparents. I have faith because of my grandparents. They were the ones who brought me to Church and have brought me up in that faith. I am so thankful for that.
"Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

My mood lately has been not so great. Just ask anyone. There are a lot of contributing factors, mostly PMS. But I have decided that I am sick of doing stuff for people and getting nothing in return. I feel like I try too hard with people. So I am officially DONE!

Lately I just feel really alone. I can't help it. I know some of it is missing my grandmother. I can honestly say she was my best friend. Now I have hardly anyone to go to. At least that is the way I feel. My heart feels empty, and everyday something reminds me of her. I thought it was getting easier but it's not. I know and hope that in time it will get easier. Right now it's just still even hard to look at her picture.
My mom did come by today, and helped me. It made a world of difference for my mood. I think it helps to have someone to talk to, and have a little adult interaction. My mom thinks I should get a part-time job. I don't agree. I would then have to find daycare. Nope, my kids hate leaving me and I would be paying to put them in daycare, despite how much adult interaction I may crave/need.
I keep thinking Caleb and Meghan will get easier, but it doesn't seem that way. I hope its soon! They are in a way getting easier, or different I guess. But still, whew!!
Bart has Friday off, all I can say is TGIF!!!! I am so glad he is home, cause I can sleep in and have help.
Thanks for reading, if you made it this far!!

I haven't felt like blogging lately. Mostly because all I feel like writing about is my gram. Tonight though I saw this website on a board that I read. So I decided to blog about it! Before I had Caleb and Meghan I was not skinny by any means but I was comfortable with my weight. I gained about 50-55lbs with Caleb and Meghan. For some reason I thought my body would recover and I would be back where I was before, like my sister. Nope. I got within 10lbs of where I was before I had the twins, but I was nursing and depressed. I went on Zoloft, stopped nursing and gained back like 25lbs.
I am still having a hard time losing weight. I am on weight watchers, have been since October. I have lost 20lbs and am trying just to stay there during these rough summer times!! Even when and if I lose the weight it won't be the same. My stomach is disfigured and I will always have a "belly." I don't mind that much I just really want to lose AT LEAST another 30lbs. Caleb and Meghan were well worth it!
Here is a website that makes you feel better about it. I will warn there are some nude pics of women showing their belly's. http://shapeofamother.blogspot.com/

Heidi--I posted now lets see some pics!!!!!!!!!

Happy 4th of July! Today we went to the parade like I always have since I can remember. This time was different though. It was the first fourth without my grandmother. She crossed my mind a couple of times today. It made me miss her and my heart aches. I know eventually and hope that it will get easier with time. I have a hard time dealing with change. It's weird not having her house to go to, and most importantly not having my gram to go to.

Bart is on vacation. I am happy about that. It means I get a little break. For some reason today was a hard day for me. I thought about gram a lot. Plus the kids were really "trying" today. It doesn't help that our weather is pretty much raining 24/7. Our house is small, and after a couple days of rain, it gets old.
Bart's grandfather is in the hospital. He has triple bypass surgery, and now I guess his organs are shutting down. Bart isn't all that close to his grandfather, but I told him he should go to see him, and be there for his mom. His family deals with stuff differently.
I don't have much to say, hope everyone has a great 4th of July.

Goodbye Bad week!!!

What a week! To say the least. Bart was gone for 2 days, and my mom helped some of the time. The kids have been really "trying" lately. They fight, and throw things and have such attitude. I know that a lot has to do with their age. But man, oh, man!!
Today I went to vacuum my car, and then washed it. Then I decided to stop by my Aunt's house. I was excited that my cousins were there. It is weird not seeing them like we used to occasionally at Grams. I hope my aunt doesn't mind I stopped by. Then I went grocery shopping, we needed it desperately. Can I just say nothing like washing your car and then driving on a dry, dusty, dirt road. Makes the car wash almost worth it. *Sigh*

Things that have annoyed me recently.
-Hannafords out of everything! (my grocery store)
-People who call right during bath or bed time. So frustrating.
-When you let people out while driving, and they don't wave or anything.
-That I cannot find my contact solution ANYWHERE!!!

Well tomorrow is the dreaded weigh in. I know I have gained, but oh well. I have been emotional eating this week for sure. I hope to be back on track soon. Have a good weekend!

Make a wish

This past weekend I went to a Make-a-Wish celebration. I used to work with a little boy who has a brain tumor. He is raised by his grandmother now, his grandfather passed away not to long ago. They were supposed to go to Disney for his Make-a-Wish, wish. But after his grandfather died they decided they couldn't. So instead they re-did "P's" bedroom. They had a day to reveal it to him and it was an open house. It was going to be a surprise for "P". I was thankful that an old co-worker of mine emailed me about it. I was excited to go because I wanted to see "P" and see if he remembered me.
I went and he did remember me! I was happy about that. I could not believe how far he has come since the last time I saw him. He can read quite well and is talking so much more! I am so proud of him. It made me miss working. Don't get me wrong I love staying at home, but I felt I made a difference ya know?
Anyways the re-did his bedroom. It looked great. They painted it a light blue, he has a new TV, bed, dresser, chair etc. He was really excited about it. I was so happy for him. I also asked him if I could take a picture. We did. It is a really good one too. But I don't think that I should show it unless I have permission.
Make-A-Wish is a great organization. If you are ever thinking of donating please consider them. What a great thing for families and especially the children!

Rest in peace, Gram.

Well we had the burial Friday. It was raining. Overall it was a nice service. I really enjoyed the scriptures that were read. It gave me hope and healing in a way. There were two songs sang, and the guy was really good. You could feel the tension there, which is really sad. I do hope that people can move on, forget and forgive. That is what Gram would want. She deserves to rest in peace.
I miss her so much. It's hard to put into words what she means to me. I do feel some sense of closure now. I just have to keep reminding myself, that she is no longer in pain.

"Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever." Psalm 23:6

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
1 Corinthians 13:13

Dreading it

Gram's burial is Friday. I do dread it. I don't really want to re-live it again. I already do that. But I guess she will finally be put to rest. Now I get to hang with the family that has 2 faces. Peachy.
This past Sunday was the dedication of the funds that were given in memory of my Gram. She would be happy. She wanted her money to go to kids that wanted to go to camp through the church.
I am not even PMS-ing and I am in a foul mood lately. Can't help it. Maybe it's the up coming events. On Saturday I am going to a celebration of a room makeover by Make-a-wish for a little boy that I used to work with. Hopefully he will remember me. I was invited to a picnic on Saturday also from people I used to work with. Haven't decided on that yet. They want me to bring the kids....yeah um they don't know my kids.