A New Year!

This time last year, I was laying with my dying grandmother. I didn't even think about the new year at all then. I remember announcing to gram that it was the new year, and then 3 hours later at 3:05 she took her last breath. I can only hope that this new year starts off better. It does seem to be getting a little easier, or you just learn to deal I guess. Now I drive past her house all dark, empty and cold, with a big for sale sign on the front yard. No more warm family gatherings, or the smell of wood smoke. Until some other family moves in and fills it with love again. I go through spurts, where I am really down and sad. Amazingly enough I am doing okay tonight. I did cry earlier thinking about her and this time last year. But you know she was in so much pain, I really am comforted to know that she is in Heaven and not in pain. I know its on most of my family's minds, and I think most of my family is keeping busy trying to think about what day it is.

Gram was like the foundation of our family. When she died, it seemed like we all crumbled a little and family was growing apart. She was like the glue, and is missed SO much. I think tonight I will toast to gram!

I usually make resolutions, but hardly ever keep them. Here are a few I have thought of.

1) Lose weight (original I know)

2) Clean my house and get rid of junk

3) Go to Church more & pray

4) Play with my kids more

5) Blog more

I could go on and on, but I want to try and keep these :)

Happy New Year!

Long time no post. Not much is going on with me, just the same old shit. I have been dealing with sick kids this week, ugh. I have never ever heard so much whining. Bart and I seriously were going to go crazy. Meghan is on antibiotics for a sinus infection and seems to be doing better. Caleb just had a virus so the Dr. said. But he is coughing still and whiney which is really unusual for him. Needless to say our Thanksgiving was not that great.
Today I had to go to church to do nursery. We haven't been to church in 4-5 weeks because it was beginning to become stressful. Church shouldn't be stressful. We hope that we can continue going when the kids are older. I miss it. After church we put up our Christmas decorations outside. I also put up a cross that my grandfather made that has blue lights on the side of our house. It looks good.
I have been down in the dumps lately, and I know it has to do with this time of year, my kids being such a handful, and gram's passing. I really am trying to pull myself out of this slump so that I don't have to go on meds. I think I am doing better now, I finally told Bart everything that was on my mind, crying and all. It felt good to finally let it all out. It's hard because I don't really have a lot of adult time or friends that actually keep in touch. Anyways here's to looking up!
I have a lot of my Christmas shopping done which is actually a miracle in itself. I still have some to do. Can I just say that I LOVE online shopping!
Supposedly we are supposed to be building a room downstairs. My FIL says he will help etc. We'll see. At least we would have a little more space in this little house.

Happy Halloween!

Create Your Own!

Same old, same old

Well, well I haven't written in a long time. Mostly when I feel like writing it is about my gram and how much I miss her and all that stuff. Sigh, it seems to get old I am sure to everyone else. It seems so prominent in my thoughts now because this was around the time of year that my grandmother found out, that she had terminal cancer (actually it was November 13, 2005).

My sister had a great dream about my gram and grandfather. She dreamt that she saw my gram and she hugged us and said "I just want you to know that I love you so very much" Then my sister Nikki talked to my grandfather and asked him what heaven was like. He told her that it was better than life itself. He also said that you know when you get a new car, and it has fresh new paint, it's like that. I have to admit, I was jealous that Nikki got the dream and not me. I have dreamt about my gram, but nothing like that.

Usually on the weekends we make the trip to see the in-laws. We don't mind, and the kids like to get out of the house. But they have Bart's great-grandmother lives with them. She is 98 years old. She is so crotchety! Don't get me wrong I love most elderly people. I used to work in a nursing home. But she is like nothing I have ever seen. She can hardly move lately, but somehow manages to threaten my kids. She antagonizes them, and yells. Last year she spanked Caleb. Today when we were there she picked up this metal tray that the kids just wanted to drum on and said she was going to hit them with it. I don't actually think she would but I said "no you won't grandma!"
Ugh it DRIVES me nuts because Bart, and my MIL do nothing, say nothing. UGHHHHHHHH!!!! And this is really, really awful but I think why does she get to live to be 98, and my gram had to die at 75? I know, I am awful. :(

Getting Better

Well I can say that I am feeling better than when I wrote my last post. When I wrote that entry I was really at a low, and felt like I was at the end of my rope. I think a lot had to do with the fact that Bart was gone for the whole week. It was very overwhelming. I also watched Extreme Makeover Home Edition tonight, and of course besides making me cry it made me realize that I am blessed.

Yesterday I started weight watchers again. sigh. I really hope I can lose more weight. I eventually would like to have one more child, and I want to lose weight before I try to have another baby. Plus I found out that I have an underactive thyroid, and that could have been stalling my weight loss before. Now I am on medication so hopefully that will help.
We went to go apple picking, but the pick your own was closed for the season! What the heck? Already? But since we drove all the way over there we stayed and let the kids play on all the playground stuff. I did get to buy a bag of apples, and some pumpkins. The kids didn't know any different.

Today we didn't do much. It was raining and we just hung out at the house. I went grocery shopping. Yippee! Oh but Bart did put up two shelves I have had for like 5 months. About time!!!

I know I haven't updated in forever. I have wanted to many times, but didn't because no matter how I put it, I would be a downer. So you were warned. I have been down lately. There are a lot of contributing factors.

I miss my gram terribly, I thought I was getting better but I'm not. It hurts right now like it did when I found out that she had cancer. My heart aches everyday. I feel like she is the only one who really knows me. I can't help it. I feel alone without her. I miss her so much, and she is on my mind everyday. I hate that she is not here, I am mad and angry about it. All I can replay in my mind is her being sick, I can't seem to remember when she wasn't. It's like a movie over and over in my mind. It kills me.

I am so not the mother I thought I would be. Ever since I was little I wanted to be a mom. Now I am one, and I feel like a failure. I have no patience with them lately, and I have even yelled at them this week. I mean yelled. I feel like such an asshole of a mother. I feel like I don't do enough with them, and that my gram is looking down and is so disappointed in how I treat my kids. I feel constantly judged about how I raise my children. I feel like no one wants to be around me or my kids because we are just too complicated, etc.

I really hope that I am just stressed because Bart was gone, and that I don't need to go back on Zoloft. I just feel like I can't catch a break. Sigh. Glad I updated?

In Memory Of Daniel F. McGinley

Daniel F. McGinley was a family man, and a man of the Lord. He valued his family and his deep Catholic faith. He was known as the always "working the beads" when his brother last talked to him on September 11, Daniel was saying the Rosary for the people in the other tower. That says a lot about the person he was.

He was proud of his Irish heritage, that every St. Patrick's Day he took the day off work and took his wife Peggy, and their 5 children to a parade on Fifth Avenue. He also loved to sing his favorite, "Danny Boy" his wife even bought him a karoke machine.

Daniel enjoyed playing hockey, and was quite good at it. He played twice a week. He also coached his children's soccer, hockey, and baseball teams. He was also very interested in his Irish Heritage and Catholic religion. He knew his history on both subjects very well.

After reading all about Daniel while researching for this blog what really stood out to me was what an all around great guy he was. He was a great friend, husband, and father. Not everyone is so fortunate to know someone like Daniel. It was hard for me to write this without sounding like an obitutary. I am glad that I got to do this. My thoughts and prayers are with all of Daniel's family on this day, as well as all the other 2,995 that lost their lives.

Prayers Please

Can you please pray for Joseph? He is a 3 year old boy that has had one cord blood transplant and now needs another one. He is currently on a ventilator. I know he and his family would appreciate your prayers. Thanks.

Maine

So this weekend we went to Maine. It was not bad, but the kids sleep horribly in hotels. But they loved being "free" as we let them run around with Elise, Jack, and Seth. They even met a few other friends while staying there. I was very thankful to have help, my grandmother and my great aunt watched Caleb and Meghan, so Bart and I could eat breakfast in peace. LOL My kids aren't really so great at eating out, but I will say they did pretty well in Maine.
There was a Canadian couple that had boy/girl twins that were the same age as Caleb & Meghan. They were born on the 21st of May. But they were 2 months premature. Meghan and the little boy hit it off, they even kissed once. Too cute!
It rained the whole way home, and the DVD player in my car stopped working before we even left for home. I was so fuming mad about that, because it is our lifesaver for long rides, and because I have had to return it like twice before. Good thing we got the warranty.
I am so glad to be home in my own bed though!

Missing Gram

Every year since I can remember we go to the fair with my moms side of the family. Not all of them but some of them. My gram loved to go to the fair. We went on Tuesday August 29, and it was not the same at all. This is the first year without gram there.
One of my favorite stories that my gram told me was how she used to take her 9 kids to the fair every year. They didn't have much money but she would take them, and they would go out and eat in the car with a picnic that gram had prepared. She would buy things that they never had because they were too expensive to buy all the time, like soda and cookies. So even though they didn't have a lot of money to get fair food, she still made it special for them by getting things that they rarely had. She also gave each kid a roll of dimes to use for what they wanted whether it be rides or games.
I love that story because it shows what a great mom my grandmother was. She still made it special for them even though they didn't have much money.

Random

Ok, a few random tidbits.....

I watch Young & the Restless and Guiding Light. On both shows they are having people die. I can't deal! It all brings me back to when my gram passed away. Sigh can't they go back to cheating on each other?

I need sneakers. I went to 4 stores today. Did I find shoes? No. Why? Cause I have wide feet. Apparently wider than anyone else. I tried on some cute woman sneakers, but nope NONE of them fit even the ones that said wide. So I tried mens, and I did find a couple pairs but nothing that fit great.

I did however get the Church newsletter done. Finally. I had to take it to Staples because the church copier is on the skits. I had to make 90 copies. It cost me 40.00!! But it works out because we haven't been to church in a while to give any money. Bart and I have a goal to start to go to church every Sunday like we used to. The kids need to get used to it, and I think the more we go, the more they will get used to it. That is the hope anyway.

Pictures from The Wiggles!!

Picture 1: Giving the Wiggly dancer the bone we brought for Wags the dog!
Picture 2: Watching the show.
Picture 3: Fruit salad, yummy, yummy!!
Picture 4: Watching the show, Meghan is holding a rose to give to Dorothy the dinosaur!
Picture 5: Toot, toot, chugga, chugga, big red car....
Picture 6: Henry the Octopus, Captain Feathersword, Dorothy the dinosaur, and Wags the dog!!
Picture 7: Giving the Wiggly dancer roses for Dorothy the dinosaur!

I want to snap on my freakin internet. I had to call them this morning because last night I was off and on, off and on. SO irritating. Then this morning it was out. FUN FUN! At least I talked with a woman and she had kids so she wasn't annoyed with Caleb playing the trumpet. *sigh*

I took Caleb to the Dr yesterday. He is now on oral antibotics for staph and I have to alternate between Hydrocortizone cream with desitin and Lotrimin and desitin. He HATES medicine. I have been trying to sneak it in his bottle (yes you heard right *gasp*), he doesn't like it very well...I also talked to my Ped. about Meghan and her constipation he gave her a stool softener which is tasteless and I can put it in juice or her bottle, now why can't they make Calebs medicine like that? He said it was a stool softener but on the bottle it says prescription laxative. I think I might call tomorrow. I don't want her to be dependent on it to go, plus I hate putting it in her little body. I just want to make sure I am doing the right thing. I do trust my Ped, but I just worry like that.

Bart finally took the van in to get looked at because the stupid ABS light comes on randomly. But it was nothing! Thank God, we just shelled out 500.00 for Barts car. It never ends. We are going to see the Wiggles on Friday!! WHOO HOOO!! Rock on! LOL I am looking forward to it because I know my kids will love it and be so excited. I am however not looking forward to sleeping in a hotel cause the kids will do horrible. Oh and driving for like 4-5 hours. Yeah not looking forward to that.

Tomorrow night my gram and I are going to Ladies Night Out with women from our church. I am looking forward to that, because I have adult conversation, & I get to hang with my gram. Today she watched them for what I thought would be like 20 minutes. I had to go talk to the pastor about the newsletter. I was gone for like an hour and a half and my 84 year old gram watched Caleb and Meghan. She took them outside even!! I don't even do that unless we are inside the fence! SO thankful for her.

Nothing New

Not much new on the home front. Same old same old. I still miss my gram like crazy, something reminds me of her everyday. Still waiting for it to get easier...

Caleb has a rash on his private area, and we went to the Dr. They said it was a yeast rash and gave us nystatin. Well it still hasn't gone away so I called on Sunday. They told me to do all this other stuff. Well I have, and it is still there. So I am calling tomorrow and I want to go in. Poor little guy.

Tonight Caleb and Meghan were so cute. Earlier today I cut up an apple and had some peanut butter to dip it in. I tried to give Meg some, and she didn't want it. Well later she saw that I was eating and so she decided to try it. She did and then she said "that good" LOL She cracks me up! I made Cheeseburger Macaroni for dinner (I know, I rock right?) Meghan loves it. So I gave her a plate and she took a bite and said "mmm yummy" then took another bite and said "that good."
Caleb likes it too, he said "mmm yummy mommy"
Poor Caleb's bum was so sore and he did not want to get into the bath. So he looked at me and then said "mommy bath?" So I got in the bath with them. Poor kids, with my fat ass in there, there was no room! LOL Oh well, at least Caleb got in the bath.

My house is a wreck, nothing new there. Caleb and Meghan have been so energized lately!! They go from fighting to kissing and hugging. My gram comes home tomorrow! YAY!! We can not wait. I have been lonely and the kids ask everyday "Mi-mi go??, mi-mi go??"
Our weekend was nothing exciting really. Bart mowed the lawn, and we went to one of my friends son's birthday. The kids had a blast! On Sunday the kids took a 4 hour nap! But it is because they went to bed late the night before! I went grocery shopping and then my dad came down for dinner. The kids loved having Papa here.
We are going to meet my gram at the airport tomorrow. She doesn't know it though! Then I have to find an anniversary present for Bart. This summer is just flying by!

Please Join Me!

Please join me and sign up for blogging about a person that was a victim in the 9-11 attacks. You sign up here and you are assigned a victim and then on September 11, 2006 you write a tribute to your assigned person! I think it's a great idea! Please think about joining and honoring all the people who lost their lives.

Grateful

Now I seem to come off as ungrateful lately. That isn't the case at all. I have lots to be grateful for. I am grateful for my children, family, the list goes on and on. As you know I am grateful for my grandmothers. I have talked a lot about my gram that recently passed, Shirley but have not mentioned my other gram, Marion. She lives right next door to me. We actually bought this house from her. I don't know how I would have survived these first few years with Caleb and Meghan without her. I mean that. Since the day they were born, my grandmother has come down every weekday. She does my laundry, helps with the kids, etc. Most of all she has been my friend, and companion.
She is 84 years old and I wish I had the energy that she does. Now that the kids are getting older they love going to see "Mi-mi." She has even taken them to her house by herself a couple of times. She bought them baby ducks and has raised them so that Caleb and Meghan could see them. She has done it for all of her grandkids. I am so grateful to have her near. She is amazing. I am certainly blessed when it comes to my grandparents. I have faith because of my grandparents. They were the ones who brought me to Church and have brought me up in that faith. I am so thankful for that.
"Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

My mood lately has been not so great. Just ask anyone. There are a lot of contributing factors, mostly PMS. But I have decided that I am sick of doing stuff for people and getting nothing in return. I feel like I try too hard with people. So I am officially DONE!

Lately I just feel really alone. I can't help it. I know some of it is missing my grandmother. I can honestly say she was my best friend. Now I have hardly anyone to go to. At least that is the way I feel. My heart feels empty, and everyday something reminds me of her. I thought it was getting easier but it's not. I know and hope that in time it will get easier. Right now it's just still even hard to look at her picture.
My mom did come by today, and helped me. It made a world of difference for my mood. I think it helps to have someone to talk to, and have a little adult interaction. My mom thinks I should get a part-time job. I don't agree. I would then have to find daycare. Nope, my kids hate leaving me and I would be paying to put them in daycare, despite how much adult interaction I may crave/need.
I keep thinking Caleb and Meghan will get easier, but it doesn't seem that way. I hope its soon! They are in a way getting easier, or different I guess. But still, whew!!
Bart has Friday off, all I can say is TGIF!!!! I am so glad he is home, cause I can sleep in and have help.
Thanks for reading, if you made it this far!!

I haven't felt like blogging lately. Mostly because all I feel like writing about is my gram. Tonight though I saw this website on a board that I read. So I decided to blog about it! Before I had Caleb and Meghan I was not skinny by any means but I was comfortable with my weight. I gained about 50-55lbs with Caleb and Meghan. For some reason I thought my body would recover and I would be back where I was before, like my sister. Nope. I got within 10lbs of where I was before I had the twins, but I was nursing and depressed. I went on Zoloft, stopped nursing and gained back like 25lbs.
I am still having a hard time losing weight. I am on weight watchers, have been since October. I have lost 20lbs and am trying just to stay there during these rough summer times!! Even when and if I lose the weight it won't be the same. My stomach is disfigured and I will always have a "belly." I don't mind that much I just really want to lose AT LEAST another 30lbs. Caleb and Meghan were well worth it!
Here is a website that makes you feel better about it. I will warn there are some nude pics of women showing their belly's. http://shapeofamother.blogspot.com/

Heidi--I posted now lets see some pics!!!!!!!!!

Happy 4th of July! Today we went to the parade like I always have since I can remember. This time was different though. It was the first fourth without my grandmother. She crossed my mind a couple of times today. It made me miss her and my heart aches. I know eventually and hope that it will get easier with time. I have a hard time dealing with change. It's weird not having her house to go to, and most importantly not having my gram to go to.

Bart is on vacation. I am happy about that. It means I get a little break. For some reason today was a hard day for me. I thought about gram a lot. Plus the kids were really "trying" today. It doesn't help that our weather is pretty much raining 24/7. Our house is small, and after a couple days of rain, it gets old.
Bart's grandfather is in the hospital. He has triple bypass surgery, and now I guess his organs are shutting down. Bart isn't all that close to his grandfather, but I told him he should go to see him, and be there for his mom. His family deals with stuff differently.
I don't have much to say, hope everyone has a great 4th of July.

Goodbye Bad week!!!

What a week! To say the least. Bart was gone for 2 days, and my mom helped some of the time. The kids have been really "trying" lately. They fight, and throw things and have such attitude. I know that a lot has to do with their age. But man, oh, man!!
Today I went to vacuum my car, and then washed it. Then I decided to stop by my Aunt's house. I was excited that my cousins were there. It is weird not seeing them like we used to occasionally at Grams. I hope my aunt doesn't mind I stopped by. Then I went grocery shopping, we needed it desperately. Can I just say nothing like washing your car and then driving on a dry, dusty, dirt road. Makes the car wash almost worth it. *Sigh*

Things that have annoyed me recently.
-Hannafords out of everything! (my grocery store)
-People who call right during bath or bed time. So frustrating.
-When you let people out while driving, and they don't wave or anything.
-That I cannot find my contact solution ANYWHERE!!!

Well tomorrow is the dreaded weigh in. I know I have gained, but oh well. I have been emotional eating this week for sure. I hope to be back on track soon. Have a good weekend!

Make a wish

This past weekend I went to a Make-a-Wish celebration. I used to work with a little boy who has a brain tumor. He is raised by his grandmother now, his grandfather passed away not to long ago. They were supposed to go to Disney for his Make-a-Wish, wish. But after his grandfather died they decided they couldn't. So instead they re-did "P's" bedroom. They had a day to reveal it to him and it was an open house. It was going to be a surprise for "P". I was thankful that an old co-worker of mine emailed me about it. I was excited to go because I wanted to see "P" and see if he remembered me.
I went and he did remember me! I was happy about that. I could not believe how far he has come since the last time I saw him. He can read quite well and is talking so much more! I am so proud of him. It made me miss working. Don't get me wrong I love staying at home, but I felt I made a difference ya know?
Anyways the re-did his bedroom. It looked great. They painted it a light blue, he has a new TV, bed, dresser, chair etc. He was really excited about it. I was so happy for him. I also asked him if I could take a picture. We did. It is a really good one too. But I don't think that I should show it unless I have permission.
Make-A-Wish is a great organization. If you are ever thinking of donating please consider them. What a great thing for families and especially the children!

Rest in peace, Gram.

Well we had the burial Friday. It was raining. Overall it was a nice service. I really enjoyed the scriptures that were read. It gave me hope and healing in a way. There were two songs sang, and the guy was really good. You could feel the tension there, which is really sad. I do hope that people can move on, forget and forgive. That is what Gram would want. She deserves to rest in peace.
I miss her so much. It's hard to put into words what she means to me. I do feel some sense of closure now. I just have to keep reminding myself, that she is no longer in pain.

"Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever." Psalm 23:6

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
1 Corinthians 13:13

Dreading it

Gram's burial is Friday. I do dread it. I don't really want to re-live it again. I already do that. But I guess she will finally be put to rest. Now I get to hang with the family that has 2 faces. Peachy.
This past Sunday was the dedication of the funds that were given in memory of my Gram. She would be happy. She wanted her money to go to kids that wanted to go to camp through the church.
I am not even PMS-ing and I am in a foul mood lately. Can't help it. Maybe it's the up coming events. On Saturday I am going to a celebration of a room makeover by Make-a-wish for a little boy that I used to work with. Hopefully he will remember me. I was invited to a picnic on Saturday also from people I used to work with. Haven't decided on that yet. They want me to bring the kids....yeah um they don't know my kids.

Missing Gram....

For some reason Sundays and sunny days make me think of my gram. I just really still can't believe that she is gone. It doesn't seem real to me. I miss her so much, and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. Numerous times I have caught myself saying "well, I'll call gram...." etc.
Sundays remind me of gram because we used to go to church together and then we would go to her house and visit. When I think of sunny days I think of getting ready to play softball and stopping at her house to eat and get ready. I can see it perfectly in my mind. I walk in her kitchen and she is at the stove making dinner. The sunlight is coming in the window streaming across the table and floor. I wish I could go back to that time. I wish I could and take it all in. I would appreciate and listen more. I value those times with my gram when we did nothing. Dinner, coffee, riding to the softball games together, stopping at Dunkin Donuts with her, etc. I really really can't believe that she is gone. I have such a void in my heart. When she died, I seemed ok. I didn't cry much and kept telling myself that she is no longer in pain. But that only lasts so long. It has gotten so much harder for me as time has been moving along. I haven't felt pain like this in a long time. I feel like I didn't tell her everything I wanted to. I just miss her. Nothing is the same without her.

My day so far...

Last night Meghan had a hard night. She slept great from like 8:30-2am Then she was up and she was so restless. Bart finally got her back to sleep.
Caleb and Meghan got up this morning, and so far they have taken about half of the diapers out of the bins on their changing table and spread them all on the floor, taken my wooden calendar and knocked it down with all the little wood pieces all falling out, Caleb opened the dishwasher and then also hit cancel during a cycle so I had to do them twice, and at lunch Meghan thinks its a great idea to dump her lunch plate upside down. I can't help but look forward to nap time. Even then you are never guaranteed that they will sleep.
Calgone, take me away!

It sucks!

So my gram's house is for sale. Which means that there is a big fat realtor sign on her front lawn. I am glad that I knew about it before I drove by there. I really still can not fathom the fact that she is gone, and that her house will no longer be a place to go.
It sucks, it sucks, it sucks. I try to avoid driving by there when I can. But this is reality right? Her burial is June 9th.

Happy Birthday to Caleb & Meghan

At 2:44 am Caleb Stephen was born weighing in at 8lbs 1oz and 19 inches long. One minute later at 2:45 am Meghan Shirley was born weighing in at 6lbs 6oz and 19 inches long. Today they are 2 years old! I can't believe it.

Time seems to have gone so fast, yet at times seems so slow. It has gotten easier and I love being a mother more and more each day. Happy 2nd Birthday to my babies!! Wahhhh!

Two years ago today I was being induced. I went in at 8 am, but didn't really start being induced until about 10 am. Then I pretty much waited. When the contractions started getting worse I asked for an epidural. They came in pretty quick and my Dr was glad I was having one in case I needed an emergency c-section. Bart and my sister Nikki were there. We just waited and waited. They finally broke my water, which is the weirdest feeling! Soon it was late night and I hadn't moved past 6cm so they my Dr said that if I was the same in an hour that I would have a c-section.
To finish tomorrow on Caleb and Meghan's Birthday!

Ponderings

Do the celebrities that endorse the hair dyes, etc actually use them? I highly doubt it. I go to a salon for my hair. I don't want to screw it up with something OTC. So I highly doubt that Teri Hatcher touches up her hair with Loreal' or whatever.

Does Katie Holmes not talk now...? It seems that Tom Cruise does all the talking and everything else for that matter. Get out Katie!!! GO GO Hurry!!

Rants

A few things that are bugging me.

1) When you are in a store like Costco or the grocery store, walk around the store like you would drive. When going down an aisle go on the side you would drive on! Irritating!

2) If you are an employee of a clothing store or restaurant for that matter, remember that this is YOUR job. So if I need help with clothes or am placing an order could you not act like I am bothering you? If you hate your job and it shows, GET ANOTHER JOB!!!!

Ok, I feel better. I had to run errands today and Bart actually took a day off and watched the kids. Of course the kids are perfect for him. He talked and talked about what a great day it was. What I wanna know is when is he going to really see what it is like for me? You know when they are fighting, or crying, or whining and hanging on my leg, or when they open the fridge 50 times. WHEN!!???
When I did talk to Bart he asks me what should I feed them for dinner. Um I don't know maybe food? Come on! He acts like he has never watched them. He knows what they like to eat. Ok, maybe I should consider going back on Zoloft! LMAO

Pics

This is Nikki, Lindsay, my mom, and Me at Lindz's graduation!

Here she is the new college grad!

Graduations

I am so glad this weekend is over. I dreaded it. It was graduation weekend for my sister and sister in law. So Saturday started out with Bart leaving to go to his sisters graduation. I got up and got the kids ready and took them to my sisters graduation party. I dreaded it because I would have no help. My mother assured me that there would be plenty of people to help me. But no like the help I need. Yes they play with Caleb or Meghan etc. But I was constantly asking "where is Caleb??" Meghan of course was attached at my hip. Anyways it wasn't overall that bad. But how is it that I always watch the kids. Why couldn't Bart had taken one and dealt? Because that is what mothers do I guess.
I did get a break Sunday. I drove to Keene, NH to see my little sis graduate. Graduations are SO BORING! I hate any graduation. But I did enjoy riding down with my mom and Nikki. I am so proud of Lindsay. She has come a long way since her (as we say) "blue sweatshirt" days. Lindsay used to be very self conscious and even a little depressed. She really has changed. A lot for the better! Now she is one hot mama! She flaunts what she's got. I really admire her. She worked hard at college and many times like myself felt like quitting. She made it! She wants to teach high school. God knows why! But she can do it. She definitely holds her own.
So after the long ass graduation Nikki and I went to Longhorn. We noticed that we were eating fast. We aren't used to eating without kids!! Then we hit Target! We don't have one in VT of course. So we were there for a while. I love Target!
Today I went grocery shopping with the kids and my gram. Otherwise I wouldn't have been able too. Gram takes one, and I take the other. They were pretty good, as long as they were eating. Kind of like me! LOL
I'll be back to post pics of my sis in her graduation get-up!

Things that are annoying me

1) On 7th Heaven they have been "plugging" items. Once it was Campbell's soup, and currently it is Oreo's. While I don't mind once and a while, this whole show was around freakin Oreo's.

2) American Idol. I personally don't think that Paula Abdul has any business telling people how to sing. Yes she wasn't bad in the 80's, but why not have someone who is a long time singer, who currently still sings etc. I don't usually watch it but I did tonight.

3) Our phone has been out again. WTF? It is our problem I guess. The wiring sucks in this crap house. So Bart tried to fix it, but he couldn't. His dad can, but isn't coming up until Friday. We do have one phone that only works because we have hooked it up outside. Talk about freakin white trash! LOL

4) I missed free cone day at Ben & Jerry's!

I orignally had more things, but as usual when it comes time to blog them I can't remember. Ugh. Yeah that annoys me, not remembering. Oh and one more thing, the political ads are so annoying!

Enough for today..oh one more...I made a myspace page, and found the perfect song for it and they freakin deleted it. I am mad!!!!!

Ok..done...I think.

What have I done?

So we took Caleb and Meghan to get their hair cut. Caleb has had his hair cut once already. This was Meghan's first cut. Anyways I had to hold Meghan because she was freaking. Bart had Caleb. I said I wanted it shorter than last time. But not like this!!! I have cried over this! There is nothing I can do now. But I miss his beautiful curls. Ugh, I am really upset that his hair is freakin BUTCHED!!!
I am really having a hard time with it. Anyways it's probably karma since I just posted about men who needed haircuts. Karma is a bitch!

Men who need a haircut

Here are some men, that I think need a haircut.
1.) Barry Watson (from Seventh Heaven, 2nd pic)
2.)Daniel Kucan (from Extreme Makeover Home Edition, 1st pic)
Their hair drives me nuts. Just had to get that out.

Thinking of Gram

This morning I had a, I guess you would call a good dream. In the last part of my dream, I saw my gram again. She looked so happy and well. In my dream we were all at her house welcoming her home, or something. In my dream I ran up and gave her a huge hug and she held on for a long time. But then sadly I wake up. So the dream was good obviously in the fact that I saw her again, but bad in the fact that it wasn't real and I had to deal with the harsh reality waking up that she really is gone.
It sucks to know that things will never be the same. I know that she is gone, but I keep having these little moments where I think, oh I'll buy that for Gram. Then I remember.
I am trying to do as my gram would have wanted. I made sure that there would be flowers on Easter Sunday at Church in remembrance of her, my grandfather, and my uncle. I also talked to our pastor about making sure there is some sort of dedication service for the funds that were given in her memory, so that kids could attend Church camp. I do find that if I do this I am making her happy and honoring her.

The day from....

Today was umm, terrible. My friend wanted to go to a place called Zachary's. It is sort of like Chuckie Cheese from what I have heard, although not as big etc. I have tried explaining to everyone that I can not go by myself. They think I am over exaggerating. Hello?! I have 2 kids under 2. They do not listen. They do take off. No one understands, unless I guess you have 2 under 2 or what not. Still. It is not fun for me to chase Caleb and Meghan all over this place and worry about them. While we were there Caleb pooped 3 times. So I have to leave Meggy with my friend while I go to change him.
Caleb ran off 4-5 times into the other restaurant. He tried climbing up the skee-ball ramp 4 times. Meghan went up in the tubes only to discover that she can't get down. So I had to drag my fat ass up there and get her twice, while she is screaming mind you. Doesn't this sound like tons of fun?
I am not sure if my kids are terrors, or regular almost 2 year olds. My family seems to make me think that I have hellions for kids. I think they are pretty normal, sure they are hard to watch. But I think it is because there are 2 at the same age. Meanwhile I get the same old sayings from everyone. "I can't even imagine having 2" " I could never do it" "God picked you for a reason, and not me!" (while they laugh)
Am I crazy for wanting one more? Yes. But that won't be until they are like 4 years old...hopefully.
It is starting to get warm in good ol VT! It is going to be a high of 60 tomorrow! Scorcher. My kids ask me everyday "Outside?" I have to say, "No not today..." Because I can not take them outside by myself. Our property is surrounded by the road, a river, and a brook. We are planning on putting up a fence. Actually we have it all here, the posts and panels of fencing. Just waiting, and waiting for it to be put up. Of course the people that have to put it up, don't have to say no to those sweet little faces!!!
Oh and one more VENT...I am driving to go to Zachary's and want to plug in my cell because it is of course, dying and I can not find the charger anywhere. Why? Oh yes, because Bart took it. GRRRRR!!!!!!! I know you might be wondering why don't you get 2. OH WE DO! But his car is being fixed and he forgot to get it out. MEN!! Oh and while I am on it, my car has to be serviced as well. But we have to make sure his is done first. I mean all I use my car is you know, to just cart the kids around!

Being sick sucks

Ugh! I went to the Dr. yesterday because I really thought that I had an ear infection. I held off 3 days because sometimes it just goes away, and with 2 kids and no babysitters it's hard to make an appointment. But I was in pain, so I made an appointment. I went in, and he checked my ears, throat, etc. Did a strep test. Waited for the 5 minute results. Negative. Good. My ears do have fluid, but it's not infected. So that was it, I pretty much have to suck it up and deal. I am feeling a little better today.
I am going with my friend Nicole tomorrow for a day of shopping and actually getting to enjoy lunch. My sister without me asking mind you, took the day off and said she would watch the kids for my birthday and I could make plans. I thought at first Bart, but he can't take the day off. He is a he puts is "slamming" right now. I am looking forward to it. I guess I will just have to pop the advil.

Weekend Recap

So this weekend was ok. Turns out that Meghan has an ear infection. She had a fever for 3 days and I was starting to get worried. I called and they said if she still had a fever on Saturday to bring her in. So we brought her in to the Dr's and sure enough she had an ear infection. Poor little gal! After we went to the inlaws, and hung out. They insisted that Bart and I go to dinner and shopping if we wanted. So we ate at Longhorn and went to Toys R Us and The Children's place. We bought stuff for the kids, because we can't resist. Then we stopped at Starbucks for a Cafe' Latte. YUM! Saturday night was horrible. First there was the time change and then Meg was up most of the night.
Sunday I slept in and Bart got up with the kids. We missed Church, but I did get the Church Newsletter done. Caleb & Meghan took a long nap and I went grocery shopping. My mom and aunt stopped by and I made dinner. My aunt went with her S/O to dinner and my mom stayed and ate with us. Hopefully we can get over this sickness. Although I have a little sore throat now. Ugh

Tonight I was looking through the recipe box of my grams. I was sorting through tons of newspaper & magazine clips. Deciding which ones I wanted to keep, etc. I come across this piece of paper in my grams writing. This is what it says:
Dear God-
Thank you so much for all my happiness and please help me to remember when things aren't so happy, how lucky I've been.

Wow! That is definitely a keeper, and a great reminder!

Please visit this site!

This little boy could use your support! If you can please donate money! If not please keep him in your prayers! Thanks!

http://thomasbickle.blogspot.com/

"Family"

Well, wouldn't my grandmother be DISAPPOINTED. A once together family is being torn apart, by MATERIAL items. Well Gram is gone now, so everyone better get all they want that is worth any money and run. Who cares about relationships? I mean really. As long as we have that antique etc, that will keep us warm at night. My grandmother raised 9 children, with hardly anything. They all grew up with nothing and now some of them want everything. Isn't that ironic? I guess I was wrong, I really thought or didn't want to believe that my family would be like this. All that matters in life is your family, friends....relationships. I just really can't grasp it. How people who grew up with each other, suddenly don't care if they ever talk again. This is not what my grandmother wanted. It was certainly not what she was about. It's really funny, that when my gram was living some of them didn't visit or help her. But now they want all her stuff. All I want is my gram. Anything I wanted from her house was stuff that reminds me of her, stuff with no value. Except that it has value to me. Recipes that my gram wrote...no one wants those. I was so excited to get them. I still have her writing! I guess they need to take a long hard look at their life. If having money and material items is what matters most to you, then you have really got to RETHINK something. I personally have no regrets. I spent and helped my grandmother, and that is what matters. What they did while she was alive is what matters. Last time I checked, when you die you can't take anything with you. Materialism:a desire for wealth and material possessions with little interest in ethical or spiritual matters. Yup, that sums it up. In case you couldn't pick up on it. I am angry. This however does not apply to all of my family. I would hope they would know who they are. I am just so sick of it. This is not what my grandmother raised them to be. I believe that she is watching all of it. That saddens me.

The Longest week ever...

Bart, Caleb and Meghan have all thrown up this week. I have major anxiety about getting sick. I haven't gotten it yet, I am just waiting. I have hardly eaten at all this week. For some reason I am really afraid of throwing up. I would think I would be in the clear by now, but I am not so sure. This has been the longest week ever. Meggy still does not feel well, so she usually lays on me most of the day. Which wouldn't be bad if it was just her. But Caleb is back to his old self, so he wants me to play. This part is so hard with twins.
At this point I almost wish I would just get it, and get it over with. Ugh!

It seems that this month is harder for me than the last month. I miss my gram so much. I remind myself of what it was like for her, she was in pain and I know that she is in a better place now. While that brings me some comfort, I still have an ache in my heart from the void. She is always on my mind.
My aunt called and told me I could come over there and get some stuff. She asked what I had given Gram, so she could give it back to me. Thing is I don't care. Nothing matters now, I don't want any material thing. I just want my Gram. I picked up a penny off the ground yesterday. It reminded me of her. She always used to say that about pennies on the ground--that they were "pennies from heaven."
I catch myself thinking and almost saying "I'll ask Gram what she thinks..." then I remember that she is not here. I just wish I could have one more day with her.

I forgot to add that the little boy who needs bone marrow has gotten a match from someone's cord blood. That is a miracle. I am so happy that they found a match. I just wanted to update on that post.

I have thought about changing my blog name as, I had mentioned but I would assume that people could still find me. Not that I care so much, but I would feel better about it not having my name. Not sure yet.

I had to take Caleb to the doctor yesterday. He has a horrible cough. The Dr. said he was wheezing, so he gave me a prescription for the Albuterol Inhaler. He hates it. You have to keep the mask on him for 6 breaths. Umm on a 21 month old? YEAH RIGHT!

Insert foot in mouth

I just lost my whole post. UGH!
I was reading BBC tonight as usual, and there is a thread about a 60 year old woman giving birth. It has been all over the news. I judged before I even read the article. I learned a lesson tonight. I hate when I am so judgmental. I try to be aware of it, then it slips by and I feel like crap. I do indeed hope this woman lives a long life. The child is blessed. Like one poster said, "any baby is a gift" and I agree.
Today is my grams birthday. She would have been 76. I miss her so much. At times I feel as though I can still go to her house and see her, and she will be sitting in her chair watching the soaps. Man, I really do miss her.
I am thinking of changing my blog name. I wanted to warn some of you, if there are any who actually still read it. Maybe not, if people want to find me they will.
Hi Shawn! Try email!

Save a life!

This weekend I went to a bone marrow drive for a little 2 year old boy named Joseph. His hope for survival is a bone marrow transplant. The way the community came together was amazing. As of yesterday 1,008 people were tested for their bone marrow to see if they were a match. The bake sale raised over 3,000 dollars. There were numerous volunteers, including children. I had like permanent goose bumps. It was overwhelming, so much so that I felt like I was on the verge of tears the entire time I was there. To see all the people, volunteers, children, and the donations.
Someone said to me you know that if you do that then you will be listed on the bone marrow registry, and that means that anyone could contact you for bone marrow. I said yeah I know that. But that means I have the opportunity to save someone's life. Isn't that amazing?
I heard about a woman who gave her bone marrow and saved a nine year old boy. Every year he sends her a mothers day card, and they get together for vacations. The boy is now fifteen.
I read another story in Readers Digest about a woman who needed a bone marrow transplant to live. There was one match. He decided to give her his bone marrow. After a year the patient can contact them. The woman wrote a thank you card to the man, and eventually they met. They fell in love and got married. Now tell me that, isn't the work of God! One match!!
Anyways I encourage you to get tested and go on the registry for bone marrow. You could help save a life. If you can't or don't want to please donate. A test costs 70.00.
To learn more about Joseph go to www.carepages.com and then "josephkrupski"

My grandmother died.

It's all over, the pain and suffering. My sweet gram passed away at 3:05 on January 1st. I guess she waited for the new year. She hadn't really been awake since about Friday December 30. That Thursday night was the last time I really talked to her. I told her that I was going home and the I would be back tomorrow. She told me that she loved me so much. These past few days have been some of the hardest. I knew it was coming, I watched as Cancer took over her body. Yet, I am still in shock. I can't believe that she is truly gone. What am I going to do without her?
The home health nurse told us that she thought it would be in the early morning hours and she was right. I laid on the bed with her. I rubbed her arm and chest and told her to relax, because she has a rattling sound when she was breathing. I know that she could hear me because she would relax her breathing. I told her it was time to rest. I never left her side, and for some reason I had strength. I watched her take her last breath. She was surrounded by family. I am glad that she doesn't have to suffer anymore. She is finally at peace. I have comfort knowing that she is with my grandfather, uncle, and aunt. She can finally meet her dad, and of course Jesus. But it's hard to imagine what it will be like without her. I called her everyday. We talked about all sorts of stuff, and she was the first person I would call when I had a question about Caleb or Meghan, or how to cook something. She just knew the answers.
I went to her house yesterday. It was so hard to be there. I cried when I went into the living room because it smelled like her. I don't want to be there. They gave me her stocking, that I gave her. What am I going to do with that? It was hers. Tomorrow is the wake or viewing. I made a huge collage of pictures I had of her and a poem. The funeral is Thursday. But we can't bury her cause the ground is frozen. That sucks.
Thank you to all who have written emails, or ecards. I appreciate them. Please know that if I don't answer it isn't personal, I just can't right now. In case you are interested her is her obituary.
Here is a link.
http://hayes.lifefiles.com/registryMain.php?PHPSESSID=b0b7cccae068ef59b5731691b4534a30&i_memorialid=1136219558
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" Matthew 11:28